Cat Fact:
Me.
Cat facts:
If there’s food enough in my dish but I can see a glimmer of the bottom of the dish shining through, I have no food at all. I’m starving. Why are you starving me?
Please be fully clothed from wrist to ankle. Skin. Ick. Don’t ask me to explain why hands and feet are exempted.
Refrigerators are magic. They spontaneously generate tasty things and that’s why I keep checking. You know, just in case, like.
It’s 9pm. Crazy time.
All the world’s a throne. For ME.
Eeeww, there’s a dog, fecking meow…
7:30 am: Eeeeeeek! It’s a human! Panic! Panic! Remember the time they skinned me alive and threw me to the wolves? Panic! Panic! Eeeek! Whew! Got past 'em.
7:32 am: Feed me Feed me Feed me.
You’re not foolin’ anyone, Joseph. Ya gotta be able to think like a cat to pull this off.
heehee.
Cat fact:
Stop moving the butter dish. Resistance is futile.
Another cat fact: (I’m fixing this one. “Oh my goodness” is NOT a cat attitude, and cannot replace what I actually typed.)
What’s yer problem? So what if it’s your torso? I’m lying on it. Fix the circulation in your leg later.
Oh, look, I can leap up on this handle thing that sticks out and open the door.
Oh, look, I can leap from the floor right up onto the dining table and … .. lose that furball that’s been concerning me for days. This feels much better. Look at me, human! Aren’t I wonderful? You may scratch me - NOW!!!
Oh, look, they didn’t close the drawer completely, and look! I can get my paw in and, oh, look! I can hook underwear out onto the floor with a claw. Gawd, can they really be this stupid? They’ll never imagine that I can empty the whole drawer out before they get home. Being the second drawer from the top is no challenge for me.
Oh, look, they’ve put a bell on my collar. Not only will this warn any birdie I might happen to fancy for lunch, but it also attracts every coyote, fox or raccoon that fancies me for lunch.
djm
Humans of the house, I have brought thee a mighty gift, fresh, and lo! it still moves! I’ll just toss it in the air a few more times…
Fact: a cat’s way of saying “I love you” is to thrust his forehead into your forehead.
Fact: a really enthusiastic cat can thrust his head forward at several hundred miles per hour.
It’s a bonding experience, holding your purring cat and looking at all the birdies flying among all the spinning stars while waiting for your eyes to stop watering. 
–James
Do you suppose your kitty kat can see all the birdies too… hence the reason for the enthusiastic skull collision?
You are chasing me, you are chasing me, you are CHASING ME! For God’s sake woman, what have I done to deserve this? Oh, you were just going that way too?
There’s a corollary to this one:
I need to go THIS way! (this way being right in front of an ambulating human) Sheesh! Why’d you kick me?
I have discovered that cats can’t walk a straight line…they have to rub against this over hear, and then they have to rub against that over there, and then of course they simply must cross directly in front of you again to rub against something else…then they turn, look at you, and simply flop to the ground right where you were about to step.
–James
“Muad’Dib! Come out, Muad’Dib. I am looking for you. I have something to show you …” 
djm
This is particularly effective when the head thrust happens just as you’re raising the glass of pinot noir to your face.
djm, your cat is named Muad’Dib?!?
“And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the cat has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.” 
–James
Only the tail remains.
djm
Legs! Legs! Going down the stairs! They’ll never see me dart between them with all that laundry they’re carrying!
If my human wants to sleep in someday, I will meow/howl/jump on the bed until said human gets up. As soon as said human gets out of bed, I will disappear to a nice cozy corner not to be heard from again.