…and orders a drink. He pulls out his wallet to pay the bartender, but the bartender stops him and says, “For you…no charge.”
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, I got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper replies, “Really?! You got a drink named Murray?!”
A farmer buys a mule for $100, but when he gets it home it’s dead. He takes it back to the guy who sold it to him and demands his money back, but the man refuses, saying it was alive when he sold it. Several weeks later, the farmer sees the man who sold him the mule and excitedly tells him how he got his money back. “I held a raffle for the mule, at $1 a ticket. I sold over 100 tickets, and more than made up for the $100 I paid you.” “Well yeah, but what happened when the winner saw that the mule was dead???” The farmer answered, “I gave him his dollar back.”
Sick of those sappy “friendship” email forwards? Here’s one that is much more on the mark (WARNING - slightly offensive):
When you are sad … I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the SOB who made you sad.
When you are blue .. I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile .. I’ll know you finally had sex.
When you are scared … I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried … I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused … I will use little words to explain.
Wen you are sick … stay away from me until you’re well again. I don’t want whatever you have.
When you fall … I will point and laugh at your clumsy a$$.
Send this to eight of your closest friends and get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.
Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.
A gorilla walks into a bar. He sits down, orders a beer and gives the bartender a $20 bill. The bartender thinks, “Gorillas can’t be very smart,” so he only gives the gorilla a dollar back in change. The bartender wants to make conversation, so he says to the gorilla, “You know, we don’t get many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “At $19 a beer I can see why.”
I try to stay away from evil deeds but succumb to temptation every once in a while. I’m not quite on my way to hell but I certainly have some explaining to do. (18%)
