OT 'Stupid Headlines Printed by the Press'

Whistle
1

from this site: http://www.jokes2go.com/lists/list75.html
(slow day at work…)

  1. Something Went Wrong in Plane Crash, Expert Says

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  2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

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  3. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

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  4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

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  5. Stud Tires Out

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  6. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

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  7. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

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  8. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

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  9. Eye Drops off Shelf

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  10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

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  11. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

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  12. War Dims Hope for Peace

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  13. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

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  14. Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

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  15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

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  16. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

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  17. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

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  18. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

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  19. Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

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  20. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

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  21. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

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  22. If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

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  23. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

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  24. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

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  25. Deer Kill 17,000

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  26. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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  27. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

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  28. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

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  29. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

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  30. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

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  31. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

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  32. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

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  33. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

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  34. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

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  35. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

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  36. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

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  37. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

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  38. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

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  39. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

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  40. Air Head Fired

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  41. Clock Thief Faces Time

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  42. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

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  43. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

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  44. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

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  45. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

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  46. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

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  47. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

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  48. Include your Children when Baking Cookies
2

WEATHERMAN’S LOOKING FORWARD TO THE BACK SIDE OF THE FRONT-look up 50 Stories

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:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

4

Gotta love the media…

:roll:

5

“Kids Make Nutritious Snacks”…this is news?

6

How about some of our own?

‘Air Bag Chokes Whistling Driver’

7

Tony,

as you mentioned, you post this because bored at work.

When same happens to a journalist, sometimes he makes up some goofy headline as those you quoted, wondering “will it get through?”.

I couldn’t count how many spoonerisms, approximations, oblique sex inuendos and paradoxes of this kind we may sneak in our papers in a journalist’s life. It’s a kind of a sport. Unfortunately, there’s no Spoonitzer prize… :sunglasses:

In a very uppety French news agency (France-Presse), we had “International Wires”, i.e. same news as main board translated into Spanish, German, etc.
When a rookie, in the teletype years, I shared desk there with this fellow German journalist, who came up with very un-France-Presse headlines, since no-one was there to check his rewritten translations. Last Camel Croaks (Letztes Kamel krepiert) is one I recall, but he produced such almost daily. Next desk, the South-Americans would produce equally equivocal headlines, see who could do the worst and get away with it.

Every magazine/paper with a cool team produces such on a constant basis. When you know it, the gremlins’ hunt is fun…

In France, too, every magazine, radio or TV broadcasts “special” features for April’s Fools.
This year, the very serious “France Musiques” radio spent the whole afternoon of Aprils 1st to commemorate the forgotten works of “great musician”, copied by both J.S.Bach and David Bowie, Adolf von Ktazenblummerzwischundwagenplafterbomm… Depending on the hour and speaker he was either from 20th or 16th centuries, and sometimes both, and the musics broadcasted ranged from mock oratorios to ‘lectric guitar riffs.
The even-more-serious Marine Meteorology service of public radio produced (two minutes before the compulsory, tightly scheduled real thing) a totally crazy weather forecast on imaginary Marine Zones: "severe depression on East Channel, Shannon, Hebrides, Jung, Freud, with nightin’ gale forecast…"

8

Zubivka,
I totally believe what you’ve said. I strongly suspected these were deliberate attempts to see what one could get away with. I have to confess we inserted similarly double-meaninged comments in patients hospital chart notes that were shared at change of shift meetings. That was back in my Air Force days working on a psychiatric ward. I routinely screen printed messages sent by telephone receptionists to medical doctors and the funniest things I read are generally written by those for whom English is a second language (or by English speakers who were distracted in school).

Another source of current humor for me is people who call for medical advice and feel they need to exagerate their condition to be taken seriously. A guy called and told the receptionist, “I feel so bad, I think I could die.” She replied, “Maybe you should go to the emergency room.” His response: “Oh, it’s not that bad.” And figure this one out: “I was bit on the tongue by a wild rat.” My imagination reels. (Maybe it was her boyfriend.)
Tony

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Many years ago while working as a staff announcer at a 5,000 watt radio station in Macon, Missouri (already this has undertones of Ted Baxter from the Mary Tyler Moore Show – however this is true) we had a slot open on Sunday mornings where a guest minister would come and deliver a short sermonette. On this one Sunday the scheduled speaker was Reed Wade. When the time came for him to go on the air, I turned on the microphone and confidently blurted out, “Our distinguished guest for this morning’s sermonette is the Reverend Weed Raid.” Even though I appologized to the man for making this unintentional spoonerism he had NO sense of humor. Following the sermonette, he went straight to the station manager and complained, although the manager was laughing so hard I don’t think he heard what the reverend was saying.

Will O’Ban

10

Well, this doesn’t qualify as funny, but when I was younger, we had a local paper, the Richmond Independent (I’m sure Tony remembers it) that had a penchant for blood and guts, police blotter and screaming headlines. Now that was in my woozy pot days, when a simple gaffe could cause lengthy giggling.

Anyway, they had a screaming banner headline one day that I will never forget:

“MAN WITH FACE BLOWN OFF IDENTIFIED”

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http://www.venisproductions.com/movies/iep.html

:smiling_imp:

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when I was younger, we had a local paper, the Richmond Independent (I’m sure Tony remembers it)

Remember it? I used to deliver it. It was thin enough to fold into a hatchet triangle and spin at peoples’ doors from a Stingray bike. Those were the days. I just assumed all newpapers (and the world at large) was full of blood and guts fun. Actually, what I remember most was the daily body count from Viet Nam while I was folding the papers. I was 13 at the time. (But, let’s not get serious in this thread- or political, either.) I was hoping people would submit their own whistle-related headlines.
Tony
(TSam, I’ll look at that website when I get home. You never know what might pop up on your workplace screen.)

13

I remember when I was in 5th grade (somewhere back in the 70’s), they said that the newspapers where written on a 5th grade reading level. So they encouraged us to start reading the newspapers.

Well, I would guess that today the newspapers have probably lowered their reading level. I wonder what the new level is.

14

I don’t think they’ve changed the reading level, but now, it’s rated as high school graduate. :laughing:
Tony