I’m sending this guy $10. . .definitely worth it.
Get Out of Hell Free
Dunno about getting out of actual hell once you’re in there, but I sure sprang a ton of holy souls out of purgatory with me pair of rosary beads when I was a youth. I seem to recall that certain days in the church calendar were held to be more fruitful for this purpose than others. I secretly prayed to the liberated souls that they would return the favour when I eventually found myself banged up in purgatorial clink. I’ll gladly do the same for anyone down here who’s nice to me while I’m still here. It’s a benign system that the Big Boss operates - as long as you know the right people. And it don’t cost a bean!
Oooh, Simony–a special sin, named after little ol’ ME!
You shouldn’t have.
Perhaps you spoke too fast…the full name of the sin, per the web page, is “simple simony.” Are you sure you want to own that?
Met a piemony … What the hell is a “piemony”? Are you sure you have that first line right? 
djm
Not to worry. It’s, like, a poststructural rhyme scheme. 
Is that similar to when you Simonize your car? 
I love it when you get indulgent!
I give myself to indulgence plenty enough already. My ten bucks is already allocated, thank you.
Hey, I’m an ordained minister, so I ought to be able to issue these things. Plus, cranberry made me pope some time back, so it should carry the weight of papal authority as well. With that in mind, I grant to all who post in this thread the following –
“By the authority of all the saints, and in mercy towards you, I absolve you from all sins and misdeeds and remit all punishments for ten days.”
The first ten days are free – kind of like an introductory offer. Any more will cost you.
Pax vobiscum, dudes and dudesses, and let us pray –
O sibili cedem go
Fortibuses ina ro.
O nobili dimis trux.
Vatis enim? Caus en dux.
I’d like to see
Go To Hell
Do Not Pass Go
Do Not Collect Eternal Salvation
Pox Nabisco, yerself.
Nux Vomica, dude.
E urabus vino.
Apparently you were brought up with Strychnos and discipline.
That would explain a lot.
“I drank what?” – Socrates
“Conium maculatum.” – Linnaeus
Cool! Posting to accept the introductory offer. Question: Does this cover only those sins and misdeeds committed prior to the post, or does the absolution cover the 10-day trial period, too? This info is needed for peccancy planning.
I was going to ask about the cost, but thought better of it.
Actually, I think it gets you out of 10 days of penance for those sins you’ve already committed, but as it has always confused me, I’m thinking of just adopting by papal fiat Guido Sarducci’s thoughts (paraphrasing from memory) – Life is a job. You get like $10 a day, but after you die, you have to pay for your sins. Stealing a hub cap is around $100. Murder is like a hundred thousand. Masturbation is 25 cents; it doesn’t sound like much, but it can add up. If there’s money left over after you subtract what you owe from what you’ve earned, you get to go to heaven. If not, you have to go back to work.
Then, if you give money to gonzo’s church, it will be credited to your heaven account. Ten bucks will buy you a lot of masturbation.
Bejaysus, me debts are insurmountable!
Fortunately, at our age, 10 bucks goes a lot farther than it used to.