Advice for the Lovelorn

Poststructural Pub
1

OK, first post here because I really needed to do this anonymously, and I trust the folks on this forum, and I know it is well read.

I’ll cut right to the chase.

I am a happily married thirty-something man.
I recently was approached by a young woman whom I have known casually for a few years, who was looking for instrumental lessons. After our first “lesson”, we mutually decided that lessons weren’t the best idea, because she has actually been playing this particular instrument longer than I have (though I have been a “musician” longer than she has been alive) and I don’t think there’s anything in that regard that I could actually teach her. It turns out what she really wanted was someone locally to just “play” with .

The problem: She’s 19, and I’m hopelessly physically attracted to her. I would absolutely NEVER cheat on my wife, though opportunities have presented themselves to me. That bond is sacred, and will remain so.
The music this young lady and I have been making together really is wonderful, and I do want to continue that. But, I still can’t get over the fact that I am very attracted to her. She is “drop-dead gorgeous” (in the words of my wife who met her recently), and I get that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling when I’m around her (haven’t had that since High school, I think), and when thinking about her (like now).

The question is this: Should I tell this young woman what’s going on with me? I really feel like I need to clear the air, confess my dirty-old-man feelings, so we can get on with the music, which again, completely separate from the physical attraction, really is also something special. Or, should I just continue on in quiet desperation, and expect that eventually the obsession will subside as I get to know her (since she really is still just a kid)?

Other than this lovely conundrum, I think I’m a pretty well-adjusted, responsible adult, so I don’t think I need to see a shrink about all this (b’sides - no medical advice, remember?)

TIA.

P.S. Our next “lesson” is tonight. Advice needed soon.

2

I’d keep your feelings to yourself. They are your problem, not hers, and if she knew it would only make her uncomfortable at best.

Focus on the music and enjoy her playing and her beauty.

She is no threat to your family…and neither are you, unless you allow yourself to be.

–James

3

I’d think that we would need to know what instrument…

4

:laughing: Yes, I’d imagine piano duets are right out. :laughing:

You’d do better to invite others to these little sessions, so that it is not just you two, and limit the frequency of these meetings. If you can’t at least do that, you’re best to extract yourself from these meetings altogether.

djm

5

You’re not responsible for how you feel. What you DO with those feelings, however, holds great power - and in the words of some superhero or other: with great power comes great responsibility. I wouldn’t say anything to anyone*. If you find yourself at a point where you can’t bear being around her without saying something - don’t be around her anymore.

If your wife guesses how you feel (which may be quite likely depending on your wife), be honest with her about it and make sure she knows that you have not and would not ever act on the feelings. Chances are she’s been attracted to someone else too over the years. Attraction is natural and is not a bad thing. It comes and it goes. Letting an attraction overcome the bond of trust and love that you have with your wife would be the bad thing.

\

  • depending on your relationship with your wife, you might be able to confide in her. I don’t know. It would probably depend on a lot of different factors about your relationship with her that only you and she know, so I can’t advise on that.
6

  1. Do not tell the young lady. She is 19; she will giggle, or worse yet, tell you wife.

  2. Do not tell your wife yourself. This is a basic guy rule. No matter what you are up to, and no matter how harmless it might be, the less they know, the better your life will be.

  3. In the event your wife should casually mention that she rather likes the young lady, too, ponder briefly on the mathematical permutations and then let yourself be swept along on the tide.

  4. You need to play with your own instrument by yourself more.

7

Do what Gonzo said. Especially no 4, you can think about her while you play.

8

yes, do try to avoid the giggle!

9

Oh my !


And I thought I was nervous and jittery before!!
:boggle:

10

[quote=“gonzo914”]1. Do not tell the young lady. [quote]

Agreed. You can’t pretend telling her will dissipate your feelings - the only possible benefit to you is that she reciprocates the feelings, and you don’t want to go down that road.

I think you might tell your wife, depending on your relationship and how honest and open you are with each other. She should understand that attraction is not under your control, but how you act on that attraction is, and that you trust her enough to tell her about it. She may have some advice or help to offer. She may prefer you stop seeing the young lady at all, and if that’s her preference, you should do so.

11

… and I think a good time to do this would be just before we get together. To “warm up”, so to speak.

12

Is the real reason you’re thinking of telling her your feelings to “clear the air” or to see if you have a shot with her? Be honest with yourself.

If you told her and she reciprocated your interest, what then? If you told her and she construed it as an unwelcome advance, what then?

Brother, if you value your marriage and the music i would say don’t tell anybody about it, get a third player or stop seeing her. I’m thinking the likelihood is that the crush will fade with time and you’ll be relieved that you didn’t act on your impulses.

13

Are you the praying type? Prayer helps-- Whoever is out there listens and understands the whole thing. This episode might even be a source of spiritual growth. ANoFGO–" Another F— Growth Opportunity"

Creative responses-- keep a journal, write music if that’s your thing.
Dante wrote his Divine Comedy as a spiritual response to a woman he found so beautiful that she affected him balls to bones (as they say :wink:)

Helps to have someone to be accountable to. Someone who gets it and does not dump harsh judgement on you. But who doesn’t make excuses for you either.

Good luck. Means you’re alive, doesn’t it? (Which is sometimes painful). Everything shines brighter because of it.

Sincerely,
Been There but Haven’t Done That :laughing:

14

19?

Heck they are barely sentient at that age. :smiley:


Gonzo is fairly straight on.


Tell them?

What good would that do?

Don’t be selfish.

Chances are very high it will hurt everyone.


Do not tell the girl.

Do not tell your wife.


Keep it to yourself and suck it up.


19 year olds are supposed to make you feel like that.

It means your body is still firing on all its cylinders.

Take some comfort it that.. and enjoy it a little even but be careful.

The reality is that, like many things, your body is on autopilot.

Step up take control of it.

Listen.

Keeping the trust of your wife is the most important thing!

Don’t give her any reason to doubt you.

Not even the smallest seed.

It will grow.

Trusting in your spouse is the most precious thing… love… heck thats everywhere… trust is not.


There is nothing for your to feel guilty about when you have these feelings.

Its natural and expected.

Acting on them, however, is not.

This is the stuff that builds moral character.

You make the choice.



my .02

15

If it were me (and it has been, though perhaps not to the same degree), I would not see the girl privately anymore. It’s that simple. Here’s why:

My relationship with my wife is beyond sacred. She is my best friend, the only person with whom I share certain things, the only person who has dared to make a lifelong comittment to me. I’ve had adolescent crushes since we got married. This is harmless as long as I recognize them for what they are and end them, quickly. I have other women as friends, one or two of whom are quite close. But these wonderful friends are just that. No one can take the place of my wife.

Jesus said, “Whoever looks on a woman to lust after her, has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to give the love and affection due my wonderful wife to anyone else, even if it never goes further than my mind. I don’t want to flirt with anyone except her. To do so would be to betray her trust in me.

So end the “lessons,” move on, and concentrate on loving your wife. She’s the greatest gift you have. A great musical experience with someone else isn’t worth compromising your relationship with her.

Tom

16

Do not spend any more time at all alone with this gal. You cannot afford the temptation, and frankly, neither can she.

17

It’s just a crush and will pass. Once it passes you’ll wonder why on earth you ever felt that way.

18

Thank you all. I got what I needed.
What happens from here must remain a mystery to you all.

Most of you are spot on.

19

Ooops-- sorry I missed the “deadline”-- hope it’s still OK to post.


I’m still thinking about this! Maybe my situation was different, because we’d been really good friends for a long time beforehand.

Also my husband had negociated something similar a few years before and we worked through it so that we became really good friends with the object of his attraction. We were in her wedding :slight_smile: and are still friends. She was close to our age though.

Yes the advice about getting out of the wind sounds really good (time alone). Now that I remember, in my case we stopped talking 1:1, and our contact now is always with other people around.

The extreme buzz usually lasts no longer than a year or two-- the body can’t keep pumping out endorphins that long :laughing: Good book-- Helen Fisher’s “Why We Love-- the Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love”.

Yes maybe I approached this differently than some people :laughing:

Prayer-- really long eloquent ones :wink: like “Ow, ow, ow” “Please help me” and “please guide me”. I did get guidance, often from unexpected places.

In my case, I wrote some excellent music (which I still think is good) and some really, really sucky poetry :laughing:

You’re getting some really good advice here. Certainly a variety of things to choose from! All the way from, uh, playing your instrument to writing a masterpiece of poetic literature.

20

Isn’t it obvious? Expanding on the above, and not to put too fine a point on it, if teach you must, have a third party on hand, for cryin’ out loud. Maybe even have your wife present for the purpose. Your behavior (AND your word!..most important, as any guy sooner or later knows to his relief or grief) can be substantiated, and glowing reports of your teaching prowess can be attested to. In court, if need be.

And yet another edit: I belatedly see that your situation isn’t so much teaching as it is a social occasion, by your lights. No matter. Best to keep quiet, anyway, and let the others on hand do the hard work for you (even if they don’t know it :wink: ). Consider your pining as paying yer dues to play the blues, so to speak.

And to mention to no one in particular, in case anyone teaches, breaching the traditionally regarded-as-sacred teacher-student arrangement with romance is thin, thin, thin ice indeed. In most cases it ultimately works out for the worse, being the ethical violation it arguably is, and one’s standing in one’s community can suffer a lot for it. Do I know whereof I speak? Why, a gentleman never tells. :wink:

In the meantime, suck it up, Lovelorn. Do the right thing, and remember that a temptation like that is best passed on, especially in the circumstances you have described. Character development may be a cold comfort to you now, but trust me: you’ll thank yourself later. Yes, sir.