A friend of mine sent me this.
I thought that you would get a kick out of this.
Male Rules!
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please
note…these are all
numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a
big girl. If it is up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You
don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday = Sports. It is like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think
of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost everyquestion.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That
is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
problem. See a doctor!
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say, during
commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like
nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an
answer you don’t want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine…Really!
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Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many pairs of shoes.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know,I have to sleep on
the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s
like camping.
I was going to say that you sure know how to live dangerously by posting that secret knowledge on this board. But the first reply was from Redwolf, so it might be as bad as it seems.
Columbus did fine without asking directions. The fact that he ended up somewhere else than he thought he was going is irrelevant. Typical female nit picking.
I like this one, it came in last night. Thank God I have already found Mr. Perfect, the mating game is not an easy one!
Understanding Men, I’s not so complicated!
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think
we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
don’t think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have money, are pigs.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some
money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE
THE FIRST MOVE! The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
My parents were CONSTANTLY fighting while on vacations because of “misadventures” and lost ways. My wife and I promised each other that we would not do that. Instead, like Mr C. we relish the new scenes and sights we find while getting back on track to our destination. Besides, he was NOT lost, he just did not go far enough!
There are thousands of ways to get from one place to another. Just because the expected route was not taken does not mean it was wrong!
Columbus was probably just saying one thing and doing another, you know…or just a misunderstanding, maybe a communication breakdown with the Queen. He probably had a vacation for himself in mind. And besides, wasn’t he using that old Vinland map of Leif Erickson’s, the one Leif’s wife had improved?
Here’s one I rec’d today: (I’m still trying to convince my wife that I didn’t make them up)
These statements are so true…
Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make
love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the
pores and makes your skin glow.
Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.
Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It’s more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don’t need special sneakers!
Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins
into the bloodstream, inducing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with
a feeling of well-being.
The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that
causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the
tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever..
If my fiance accepted these three rules we would never argue. Heck..I would even be ok with the first one if she told me first she wanted sympathy instead of a solution. Writing this makes me wonder what her list would be like. Things that make you go “hmmmm”.
I’ve been learning how to ask something like, “Would you like me to just listen, or are you looking for suggestions or help?” Often, it seems that a problem isn’t a problem any more if we just talk about it.
Sometimes I’ll be working something out (usually to do with business or money), and Arleen will express concern that it isn’t going to work out. I’ll start explaining how I’ve figured everything out, how everything will fit together, and she’ll change the subject or leave the room before I’ve told enough that she could see how it will work. I’ve realized that understanding the particulars isn’t important to her. What’s important is that we’ve talked about it.
If you’re interested, a great book about the differences in how men and women communicate is You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, by Deborah Tannen.
In response to Gerry/Whistling Gypsy’s funny and true posting about the health of benefits of sex, I’ll respond that most of the folks I hear complaining about not getting enough are the women! Apparently, contrary to the stereotype, many men also have headaches, had a hard day, are just not in the mood or whatever. So that one goes both ways!
As for the original male rules, they’re hilarious and ring true! I’ve learned to shift gears when communicating with men (not as hard for me because I don’t fit all the stereotypes of women–I work mostly with men, tend to be a problem-solver, and I’m not hung up about the toilet seat, can tell if something makes me look fat and won’t ask a question with no good answer, and am not Imelda Marcos on shoes, for example), both at work and in relationships. We ARE different, but that’s part of what makes the world interesting!
My poor wife grew up in a house with only women - five of them. Now she’s the only female in a house full of men and boys. So we try to be considerate and understanding. We have three bathrooms, so we have designated one of them to be the seat always up down bathroom.
As far as asking for directions, there is no need to ask for directions, because I have teh m4d n4V1gat10nal sK1llz!!!
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Jerry, you’re usually as clear as daylight. Don’t toy with us, please. 