Hi, my name is JES. I live in Florida where there are giant allegories in the swamps that percolate my state.
Take it aweigh! 
I once heard a sweet old lady asking a coffee shop assistant for an “Al Pacino…with two sugars please”
Slan,
D. 
Years ago one of my patient’s was describing a sort of depressed relative of hers. She said “She’s always waddling in self pity”. I thought that was a particularly visual image…
My son is a paramedic. On one call they picked up a lady and were questioning her about meds she took. They were puzzled by “peanut butterball”… until they realized she meant phenobarbital…
I don’t get it. I’m compounded and it makes me engaged. I wish someone would mummify me.
One of our resident doctors was volunteering at the Cleveland Free Clinic years ago. One day he was speaking with a young woman who was having abdominal pain and cramps. The exam rooms were really cubicles with with a curtain over the opening. So, trying to approach the subject of menstruation delicately he asked the patient, “How is your flow?”
“Huh?”, she said.
“How is your flow?” he asked again, a little louder.
Again she replied, “Huh?”
The doctor the asked again, loudly, “How is your flow?”
“Oh, my flow,” she answered, “my flow’s linoleum.”
Mike
This one’s weird:
My daughter, at 3 or 4, insisting that she wanted “3 little erasers.” Took us a while until she finally pulled out a vanilla wafers box.
Once saw a lady in the local DMV, trying to fill out paperwork. She looked at it in disgust and said “This is so flustrating.”
Just shy of two years ago my wife had to go under the knife for a surgery…when she came out she was disoriented for extended periods of time. When I returned to her hospital room the following day after work she said she was still disoriented and she told me “The doctor says it’s because I had a small alergic reaction to the encyclopedia.” (anesthesia) 
I thought she was still a little gonzo from the surgery so I let it slide…then on the way home that night I got what she was trying to tell me…I LMAO!
I heard of a customer in a record store who wanted to buy a recording by the harp player Carol Anne.
The encyclopedia bit reminded me of a story Dick Van Dyke tells of a Sunday School class where the teacher told a class of young children that if they wanted more information about something-or-other they were discussing they could look it up in the encyclopedia. She then asked, “Do any of you have encyclopedias at home?” One little girl piped up and said, “Oh, yes, my mama knits them all the time!”
Once in awhile I still find myself trying to work out what she thought encyclopedias were…
Susan
Speaking of Sunday School stories…a teacher asked the kids if they knew what God’s name was. One little boy replied, “Andy?” The teacher asked why he thought God’s name was Andy. The boy replied, “well, that’s what it says in the Hymn book.” The teacher asked which song. The boy replied. “I Come to the Garden Alone…it says, ‘and he walks with me and he talks with me, and he tells me I am his own.’”
Everybody knows that God’s name is Howard as it says in the Lords prayer: “and Howard be thy name”!
But I thought God’s name was Art’. Our Father who is Art in heaven.
Did anyone else in Sunday school instead of “Fishers of men” sing “I will make you vicious old men”?
The title of Malachy McCourt’s book “A Monk Swimming” came from his childhood misinterpretation of “Blessed art thou amongst women”.
djm
In the song “Love Shack” by the B-52’s, in the middle of the song the woman yells out, “Tin Roof… Rusted!”. But I could never understand what she was saying. Since it was about people going to the Love Shack, I thought she was acting like some wife who found her husband there. So I thought she was yelling, “Henry! Busted!”
Hey, where did the eye-roll smiley go to?
It was depreciated by Dale.
Song lyrics are a great source of amusement, since its impossible to make some of them out … so we invent our own. Like England Dan and John Ford Coley’s “Really Love to See You Tonight” - “I’m not talkin’ ‘bout movin’ in” sounded more like “I’m not talkin’ 'bout the linen”, or in Hot Chocolate’s “You Sexy Thing”, I could never understand “I believe in Milko”. I mean, what the hell’s “Milko”?
djm
Two Tickets to Paradise = Two Chickens to Paralyze.
John McCutcheon sings a song on an old LP I have called Who Will Sing for Me. For years I thought the words were “death’s cold pharmacy.” I couldn’t figure what that was about till I finally realized it was “death’s cold form I see.”
On another LP an old time band is singing a song and they sing “village cellini” where the c is pronounced ch. Obviously I couldn’t get that. Did they have Benvenuto there in Texas? Later I learned that is was “village committee.”