I just sent Brien@airleaf.com this: (using my alternate email address, natch)
Hey, Brien!
Boy, do you ever have my permission to submit my book, The Legend of Logjam to your film partner Cinemagic! It almost reads
like a screenplay as is! I can really see Dakota Fanning in the lead role, and since you seem to be familiar with my writing, I’m sure you’ll agree!
How did you know my dream was to become a household name? And a television commercial? Whoa…could you get something like, The Superbowl, or at least a spot on The Simple Life?
What a privilege to be among the very select group of authors to whom you’re extending this phenomenal offer! Of course I want to sign on! What’s 7.9K in light of certain fame?
The only (slight) contingency is that due to the financial constraints imposed upon my ability to access the trust fund left to me by my eccentric Uncle Bellwether, I shall have to submit payment to you in the form of a cashier’s check for either $10,000 or $20,000, and have you remit the difference to me.
Do you find these terms acceptable?
Please let me know straight away as I think the rest of the select group will be lining up to grab this great offer while the grabbing’s good, and I don’t want to miss out!
Geezowhiz. I got this reply. I don’t really think I can play anymore unless someone has a brilliant response suggestion:
(rereading my email, I’m befuddled than anyone would even respond as if I were serious.)
Emily,
My name is Dawn Rodgers. I am the VP of Marketing for Airleaf. Brien
is out of town (Hollywood, CA) and I am answering his email for him. I
don’t think there would be a problem with this. But can you clarify
the payment situation? You will submit a Cashiers Check for 10K and we
are to refund you the difference between the two ($2001) ? This
shouldn’t be a problem, but I only have a few spots left for the program.
Are you able to send this verified shipping such as UPS or FedEx? When
should I expect it? I am delighted you’re interested. You’ll really
have a good time with this program! But we should talk on the telephone
for a bit too in case you have some questions.
Can you forward your phone number?
Thanks,
Dawn Rodgers
Here’s my response: We should take bets on whether I’ll hear from them again.
Dear Dawn,
Brien is in Hollywood? Far out! (I bet he’s doing a little pre-scouting to whip up a bit of interest in some of the great projects you people are taking on, huh? Just wait 'til he dangles my book in front of the Disney talent-hunters!)
Oh, and about the cashier’s check. I’m so relieved that that’s ok with you. I’ve had people balk at Uncle Bellwether’s stipulations in the past. It’s going to be drawn on the Catatonia Island branch of the Dawes, Tomes, Mousely, Grubbs Fidelity Fiduciary Bank of the Fondolopia Archipelago. But they’re good, I promise. And trustworthy. And they never forget to offer kids a lollipop.
I was in contact with the Bank Trustee, Mr. Smith-Peligrimoso-Warchovski, who oversees all withdrawals from my trust account, and he advised me that I’ve used up all my 10K draws as stipulated by Uncle Bellwether’s original charter, and am therefore limited to withdrawing the amount of 20K. Furthermore, because Uncle Bellwether feared, above all else, that I might fall prey to a clever swindler, the amount must be made payable in full to a company which represents a worthy investment. I trust that Airleaf Publishing represents a worthy investment? As for the overage which you will need to remit to me, I am happy to accept it in the form of cash in a duffel bag.(you can hand the duffel bag to the jetski driver–see below.) You can keep the change at $12,000, and use the remaining dollar to buy a few more seconds of my television commercial!
You requested a phone number. I’m sorry to say that I have no land-line, and all my cell calls are routed through the Quantum Foam Cellular Company, located in the Fondolopia Archipelago. As I’ve mentioned, their banks are the cat’s pajamas, but frankly, their cellular companies are the cat’s underpants if you get my drift. Our connection would be scratchy at best, and I fear some kind of dreadful miscommunication could transpire.
As soon as I get your go-ahead, I can have the bank cut that check. UPS and Fedex are unheard of in the Fondolopia Archipelago, and they will intead be delivering by Jetski. They assure me that all important documents are kept in waterproof fish-skin portfolios.
Personally, I think this exchange should become the basis for an epistolary novel, or whatever the equivalent email verison would be called. It’s a gem of a start to what could be a hilarious book. Emm, maybe in a weird way Brien and Dawn are leading you to your pot of gold after all!
I’d even be willing to go so far as to manage the capital investments in this brilliant idea. (There are printing and distribution costs, people.) I will establish a secure trust where all investors’ money will be 100% safe.
