Just Another Joke Thread

Poststructural Pub
1

It’s time to start another joke thread. I’ll lead off with this cutie:

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: ‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’

‘I am Scottish and I am a golfer,’ said the old fellow: ‘and that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways all day long. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.’

‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it than that. How old was your Dad when he died?’

‘Who said ma Da’s deid?’

The doctor was amazed. ‘You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive? How old is he?’

‘He is 100 years old,’ said the old Scottish golfer. ‘In fact he golfed wi’ me this mornin’, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram, and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor said, ‘that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said ma grandad is deid?’

Stunned, the doctor asked, ‘You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living? Incredible! How old is he?’

He is 118 years old,’ said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘Nay, nay. Granda could nae go this mornin’ because he is getting married today.’

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. ‘Getting married?! Why would a 118 year-old man want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?’

2

How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?

  1. One to change the bulb and five to kibbutz about how they could have better done it.
3

For the IT types out there –

A guy walks into a pet store, and the pet store owner approaches the guy and says “Can I help you?”

And the guy says “I want to buy a monkey.”

So the pet store owner says “You came to the right place; follow me,” and he walks to a set of shelves that has a number of monkeys sitting in cages. “Check these out,” he says.

And the customer looks at the monkeys, and they all have very high prices, so he asks “Why are these monkeys so expensive?”

And the pet store owner says, “Well, these are very special monkeys. For example, this $10000 monkey is a developer monkey. He can write SQR and SQL and program in at least one proprietary development language.”

He goes on – “And this $10000 monkey is a functional analyst monkey. It can design the business processes for an entire human resources, benefits and payroll system for you.”

“Wow. Those are impressive.” says the customer. “What about this $5000 monkey?”

And the pet store owner says “That’s a PeopleSoft DBA monkey.”

“Why is it so much cheaper?” asks the customer.

“Well, it can only do Microsoft® SQL Server,” says the pet store owner, “so we have to discount it. We hope to have some Oracle monkeys in later this month.”

“And what about this monkey?” says the customer. “The price is $75,000. What does it do to make it worth so much more than the other monkeys?”

“Damned if I know,” says the pet store owner. “I’ve never seen it do anything, but the other monkeys all send it status reports every week.”

4

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?













None, it’s a hardware problem.

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?













None, diagnostics says it’s OK, so it must be a software problem.

5

What do you call a building full of guitar players? Prison.

6

More, more!
Lesley loves your jokes and I love to see her laugh! She often asks if there are any new ones; I even considered buying a joke book, but yet again the board comes to the rescue!
More!

Ro

7

How do you get a particle physicist to start tearing his (or her) hair out?



Ask them the speed of gravity.

8

I may or may not have originally read this one in these pages. If I did, I apologise profusely…

A pretty young woman was on a long flight and as the aircraft reached cruising altitude and the ban on electronic devices during takeoff and landing was lifted, she started arranging her portable DVD player on the small table in front of her.

Just as she was opening the screen, the man next to her said:
“You know, these long flights can be a lot less tedious if you can have a nice conversation with the person sitting next to you.”

As the young lady slowly closed the screen of the DVD player again, she turned to him and said:
“OK, what do you want to talk about?”

The man said:
“Well, how about nuclear science”.

The young lady said:
“OK, but first let me ask you a question.
We all know that cows, horses and sheep all eat grass. So, why is it that when a cow goes to the toilet, it pruduces a flat patty, the horse produces big lumps with grass in them and the sheep produces small pellets?”

“Well, I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to that one”, said the man.

The young lady slowly opened the screen of her DVD player and said:
“Well, how are you going to hold an intelligent conversation about nuclear science when you clearly don’t know shit?”

Owen

9

A man dies and ends up in Hell.

Satan walks up to him and says “You have a choice to make, the only one you will make for all eternity. You have to pick one of three rooms to spend eternity in.”

Satan shows the man into the first room.

It is a trackless desert no shade and no water anywhere. The sun is always beating down and the temperature is 120 degrees. The people in this room are breaking rocks with sledgehammers.

The man looks around and says “Man, I don’t like the looks of this room. Can I see the second room?”

Satan takes him into the second room.

This room streches for as far as the man can see. It is filled waist deep with cow dung. The people in it are all standing on their heads, up to their waists in dung.

The man looks around and says “This is worse than the first room, can I see the third room?”

Satan takes him into the third room.

This room streches for as far as the man can see. It is filled waist deep with cow dung. The people in it are all standing upright in the dung with coffee mugs drinking coffee, and chatting.

The man looks at that and says “This is the room for me!” and he wades into the the room.

Satan hands him a mug full of wonderfull smelling hot coffee.

The man takes the mug, looks around the room to see who he would like to chatt with, lifted the mug to his lips, and…

























Satan comes back into the room and says…













































Coffee break is over!!! Back on your heads!!!

10

If you missed the Colbert Report, you missed this great joke:

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? The Commuist Manipesto.

11

What would happen if somebody took a whole bunch of stale old doctor puns and aimed them at the bail-out package for no particular reason …

Doctors’ Opinion of Financial Bail Out Package

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroerologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, ‘Over my dead body!’ while the Pediatricians said, ‘Oh, Grow up!’

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, ‘This puts a whole new face on the matter.’

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to the politicians in Washington.

djm