Jokes

Poststructural Pub
1

A guy snooping around a dusty old antique shop finds a little stone statue of a cat.

“How much for the cat statue?” He asks the old shop keeper.

“$5 for the statue” says the old man “and $100 for the story”

“Ah I could care less about the story” says the guy “Here’s your five bucks.”

As the guy walks out of the store The old man cackles and says “You’ll be back for the story.”

The guy tosses the cat statue into his trunk and drives away.

He comes to a stop light and happens to look in his rear-view mirror. There dozens of cats following his car. “Weird” he says to himself.

At the next stoplight he looks again and there are hundreds of cats!

By the time he gets to the edge of town he’s being chased by thousands of cats!!

Panic stricken, he drives out onto a bridge, jumps out of the car, opens the trunk and throws the cat statue into the river. All the cats jump into the river and drown.

He returns immediately to the antique shop. “I told you you’d be back for the story” says the old man.

“Story, schmory” says the guy…“Ya got any lawyer statues?”

Doc

2

So… what’s the story?

:laughing:

3

Why do you want lawyers to follow you? :confused:

4

What does a doctor call a lawyer face down in the river?

A good start.




A Boston joke: It was so cold yesterday they caught a lawyer with his hand in his own pocket.

5

Yeah, sounds like the stuff of nightmares to me. shudder

6

Do you know why they’re now using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory research? (Three reasons.)













\

  1. There’s a limit to the number …





    of rats.






    \
  2. Some people have ethical objections to using …






    rats.





    \
  3. There are some things …







    you just can’t get a rat to do.





    Best wishes,
    Jerry
7

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Control freak. Now you say “control freak who”.



Doc

8

Control freak who?

9

Oh. Nevermind. I got it :laughing: .

10

Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet deep instead of the standard 6 feet?

Because, deep down, lawers are OK…

11

I never get most jokes, but I get the deep down one.

12

Tania made up her own knockknock joke when she was five:

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Nobody.

Nobody who?




























Best wishes,
Jerry

13

i only remember one lawyer joke:

what do you call a busload of lawyers with one empty seat, going over a cliff?





wasted space.



here’s something found on the web:

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

  1. CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
  2. STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
  3. WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
  4. GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
  5. MEOW occasionally.
  6. STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
  7. SAY -DING at each floor.
  8. SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
  9. MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  10. STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
  11. WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
  12. TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
  13. DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
  14. WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
  15. PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
  16. ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
  17. HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
  18. DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
  19. BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
  20. PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
  21. SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
  22. CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

the last one’s my favorite.

14

Zax, that was brilliant!

In a recent study scientists have proven that drinking beer is good for the liver. Did I say scientists? I meant Irish people!

Why did God invent whiskey?
To keep the Irish from ruling the world.

How many whistles could a whistlemaker make if a whistlemaker could make whistles?

So there’s 3 guys in a pub drinking beer. An irishman, a scotsman, and an englishman. By coincidence a fly lands in each of their beers. So the englishman exclaims, “oh, how retchid” and promptly gets a new pint. The scotsman merrily picks out the fly and resumes drinking. The Irishman picks up the fly and screams at it, “give it back you bastard!”.

15

Knock knock.

Who’s there again.

Yeah, they regroup every few years. Pete’s legal bills, y’know. Just ignore 'em, and they’ll go away.

16

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
FanTASTIC!!

17

I think it was someone here on the board who posted an ADD joke written by her own ADD son. It’s become one of my favorites:

Question: How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Wanna go ride bikes?

18

How many Klingons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A true Klingon warrior is not afraid of the dark.

19

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they screw in dirty sleeping bags.

20

…And mice? Just two…but you wonder how they got in there in the first place.

This isn’t a joke, but it happened, and this is as good a place as any to relate it: not long ago there was this huge walk-a-thon for breast cancer going by my apartment building all day, and there were some pretty silly getups among them, but the very best was this woman who had hand-lettered her t-shirt with the legend, “SAVE THE RACKS”. Now THAT was funny.