…and goes, “Ouch! Who put this bar here?!”
many apologies to the humor impaired 
Hey! Moderator! He’s discriminatin’ against ducks! 
Besides, I only walked into it that one time. 
Two guys walk into a bar. Which is pretty dumb, you’d think after the first guy cracked his head on it, the other one would have avoided it. (I first heard this by Howie Mandel.)
Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a Bar.
Barman sez “Is this a joke?”
Slan,
D.
Two Scotsmen walk past a bar.
A man walked up to a bar and ordered “seven, count em, seven shots of whiskey. In fact, make them doubles.”
The barman thought this dude is buying for his friends, and so lined up seven glasses. But the dude pulled up a stool and began drinking it all himself—drinking faster than the bartender is pouring. Just as the barman poured the seventh glass the man snatched it from the table and kicked it back.
“My God, man,” cried the bartender, “what are you doing to yourself? You just—”
But the man looked up, stopping the bartender cold with his sad, devastated expression. “If you had what I have,” he said sheepishly, “you’d be drinking as fast as I am.”
The barman shifted uncomfortably. “Gosh, buddy, um, what do you have?”
The man said, “I have a dollar.”
A B-flat, a D-flat, and an F walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, “I’m sorry we don’t serve minors here”… So the D-flat leaves and the B-flat and the F have an open fifth between them.
A horse walked into a pub and ordered a beer…
The barman says…" g’day there mate,why the long face ? "
Guy walks into a bar carrying his son who, oddlly enough, was born without a body…just a head.
He says to the bartender “It’s my boy’s 21st birthday. Bring him a beer”. The head drinks the beer and burps, and out pop a couple of arms.
“It’s a miracle!” cries the father “Barkeep, bring another beer quick!”. The bar keeper obliges. The lad drinks and burps and out pops a torso.
“Keep ‘em comin’” cries the father. Two beers and two burps later, and the lad has a two legs, a complete set of body parts.
“Glory be!” says the father “This calls for a celebration! Barkeep bring us one more round for a toast.” The barkeep brings the beers and they drink a toast to their good fortune. The lad drinks his beer, burps and explodes.
Moral of the story: Quit while your a head. 
Doc
Three pieces of tarmac walk into a bar and order a pint each. They take a seat in the corner and immediately start argueing. Tarmac No 1 says “I’m the hardest piece of road around”. “No you’re not” says No 2 “I’m by far the hardest”. “Rubbish” says No 3, “I’m easily the hardest”. With that, a piece of red tarmac walks into the bar and the other three fall silent. The red tarmac orders a pint, drinks it and walks out. The barman says I thought you were all hard you didn’t have anything to say when he came in. Tarmac No 1 replies “Are you joking? We may be hard but he’s a cyclepath”.
Pfft. Ridiculous.
A joke walks into a bar, and everybody (including the bar staff) get up and walk out.
Four doctors are in a bar, talking shop.
One doctor says, “you know, I like operating on accountants, because when you open them up, everything is neatly organized.”
The second doctor says, “Librarians are better. You open them up and their organs are arranged alphabetically.”
The third doctor says, “Lawyers are the easiest: they’re spineless, gutless, heartless, and their heads and butts are interchangable.”
The fourth doctor says, “Yeah, but I prefer operating on engineers. They always seem to understand when you end up with a few extra parts left over.”
Ugh. That was horrible. You should get a federal grant.
A guy walks into a bar.
“It’s me !”, he says out loud.
Everyone turns back to the guy and guess what ?
It was not him.
…
I’m sorry, I’m not getting the bit about the red tarmac. What’s red tarmac?
Red-colored road pavement, tarmac, macadam. I’m guessing that British (or at least Scottish) bicycle paths are paved in red to distinguish them from other pedestrian or motorized uses.
Bike lanes here are Green.
Slan,
D.
Some are, the colour wasn’t really the important part of the joke. Actually most cyclepaths here are just a dotted line between the pavement and the road, marking the area more commonly known as the gutter. Any red colouring is probably due to cyclists being squashed under artics (semi truck in the US).