Limited to actual scrolls. Purveyors of fictional fortune cookie wisdom will never attain shizt hu. Include emoticons if possible.
My restaurant’s supplier is a rather positive basmati:
You take an optimistic view of life
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy
You will always be surrounded by true friends
The job is well done
Confucius say: lovers in triangle not on square
OK, so I had 5 last night… 
???
That’s OK, I’m more of a cat person, anyway.
Nice move, Dale. I like this one better than “porn”.
The night life is for you!
I got one yesterday, but I cannot remember what it said.
Many years ago, someone at my then-workplace stuck this actual fortune from a cookie up on the bulletin board:
Look for someone as gay as you are.
I heard that any fortune in a cookie can be made better if, at the end of the fortune, you add the words, “in bed”. Try it.
My latest:
“Flying birds especially keep the ground in mind.”
I keep getting these stupid philosophical ones that actually make sense.
“Your understanding of other peoples’ problems is unique.”
…in bed. Nyuk.
Some years ago I opened the best fortune ever. And please, nobody take it to the gutter by adding “in bed.” It says all I need to hear as it is:
“You will soon achieve perfection.”
Susan
in bed. Nyuk.
Signed,
Nobody.
Well, you said…
…“without pants” also is a funny ending…
ya, there ya go Missy…that’ll save it 
My all-time best one has a bit of a story behind it. This was, oh, 8 or 10 years ago, long before I met the future Mrs. Badger, when some friends took me out to dinner at China Garden. I returned from a quick side trip to find my friends very amused–seems one of the waitresses was quite taken with me, and the owner of the restaurant had come out and asked my friends if I was single and looking.
I was the former but not particularly the latter (though she was cute), so other than having a mild ego boost I didn’t think too much of it. Until, that is, I cracked open my fortune cookie and, without thinking, read it aloud.
It said, “Someone across the room is watching and admiring you.”
We all involuntarily turned to look, and there in the kitchen window was a rather cute Asian face smiling at me. We all about fell out of our chairs laughing. I hope it didn’t hurt her feelings…
Tom
Not so much. I’ve gotten that one before. 
Being flattered by fortune cookies. What a sad, sad turn my life has come to.
Sadly, I misquoted the cookie.
It read
“You have an unusual understanding of the problems of others.”
The double meaning was not lost on my wife, who laughed and agreed with it.
Just got this one at lunch today:
“You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.”
Hmmm… I guess you had better get to work then.
Here is one just the opposite of that.
Its a little harsh but at least its to the point as in this case one would need to be direct.
Perhaps I should start by no longer reading the PROCTology forum.