I don’t celebrate birthdays, for religious reasons. All my friends and loved ones know this and I have asked them as politely as possible not to send or give me anything for multiple years.
However, each year many of them ignore my wishes and send me cards and presents and money. I don’t think they understand that I really don’t want this. It’s not a humility issue and it’s not a “I don’t want anything from you” issue, it’s an old and admittedly somewhat quaint but nonetheless real religious conviction I have.
It’s a nice gesture on their part, and I understand where they’re coming from because in the dominant US culture birthdays are something to be celebrated, but I do not wish to have my birthday celebrated. I wish there were a way to change the day I was born so I would never tell anybody.
My basic question is this–Would it be wrong, tacky, or rude to send the gifts, cards, and money, back to the senders? I cannot honestly say “Thank you” when I do not want these things. I feel like if I thank the people who send them, I encourage them and lead them to believe that this kind of behaviour is ok with me, when it is not.
I know there are much bigger problems in the world, but this small problem affects me a lot at a certain time of year, every year.
Heretofore, I have simply accepted whatever came my way, but I’m at the point where I am either going to 1). Stop telling people not to do anything, or 2). Start returning everything.
If you simply refuse to acknowledge the gifts and cards, forgoing even a simple “Thank you,” your friends will eventually assume either (1) that you don’t want these presents, or (2) that your are a crass, churlish boor unworthy of their friendship. Either way, the presents will stop.
But this, unfortunately, does not give you a chance to crow about what a religiously superior fellow you are. If flaunting your sanctity is your goal, then merely refusing to acknowledge presents is not enough. You must actively discourage them in their well-wishing so that they understand you are better and more holy than they are. Only then can you take your place proudly on the moral high ground and look down your nose upon the lesser mortals.
Or your could quietly accept the gifts and sell them on eBay.
This is actually what I normally have done. I just wish they wouldn’t come in the first place so I wouldn’t feel conflicted about the whole “thank you” part, which, by its very nature, encourages it again.
I don’t know. I think I just think about everything too much. I guess my issues extend further than that. So just, um, never mind. Or something.
It’s a pathological desire to never forget your birthday on one side and a pathological need to be polite and say thank you on your side.
Everyone should learn how to be a social misfit like me. The world would work so much better. Nobody remembering anybody’s birthday and nobody ever having to say thank you.
I would suggest finding a Jehovah’s Witness and asking them how it is dealt
with within that community. Certainly they’ve run into this problem before.
Could it be that your friends and family don’t share your religious views? They’re celebrating your birthday whether you do or not. And clearly, receiving these gifts aren’t causing you to celebrate. So, where exactly is the conflict here?
I’ve no African heritage, but if someone were to give me a Kwanzaa present, I surely wouldn’t send it back and ask them to stop. That seems a bit obnoxious, don’t you think?
How dare they be nice to you, or think of you, or give you anything, regardless of the day of the year! I agree with you totally. You should tell them off to their faces, the cretins! What were they thinking?
I can understand where you’re coming from. But it also feels like the situation where you invite a Muslim or Jew over to eat pork chops. The kind of thing that, even though you don’t share the same religious views, you refrain from certain things out of respect for others’. Does that make sense?
Nope, big difference. Receiving a gift does not make you ritually unclean. Just give away what you can, and consider that a blessing for those who receive it. Simple.
Cran, that is about the quirkiest thing you have post here in a while…comparing a Hallmark card on your birthday with a Muslim invited over for pork chops is just asinine.
If this is about humility, think about this quote… Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. ~Wilson Mizner
I think you’ll just have to forgive people for loving you.
Seriously, how about telling them that “if you feel you really must do something, then please just make a small donation to [name your favourite charity]”.
Would that work for you at all? You might have to give a couple of options. I never give to religiously based charities because I reckon humans should not need a religious reason to be kind to each other.
Are you OK with gifts the rest of the year? What if someone comes to you at any other time of the year and says “I saw this at … and just knew you would love it.” That OK?
OK, I don’t have any better advice than has already been offered, but I do have a question for you, Cran:
Would you object to someone sending you a gift/card/money “Just because”?
I mean, there are plenty of “Just Thinking of You” Hallmark cards out there. It couldn’t possibly be offensive (in my humble and possibly highly ignorant opinion), regardless of one’s religious convictions, to simply accept someone’s good wish, be it in the form of a phone call, visit, cheesy card, or gift if it really was “Just because” they love you.
Just curious.
And if you don’t object, I wish you a sincere “Happy Day!”
