If picking up my whistle to practice at the traffic lights makes the lights turn to green quicker and a watched kettle never boils:-
what other strange time anomalies have you observed?
(Oh that sounded like it was straight out of Star Trek)
Works the same if you want to tie your shoe during a light cycle.
I watched a pot once. It totally boiled. But it took forever.
I’ve heard that time flies when you’re having fun
…and fruit flies when you throw it. Wait, no…
Going out to get the paper in my boxers or loud gift pjs causes a sudden increase in drive-by traffic on my fairly quiet street. Fully dressed? Nobody drives by.
Working customer service, customers always seem to walk in when you need to use the restroom.
Also, we have this guy that comes to our office to wash our cars. He always seems to come two days before payday and the day before it rains. Seriously.
I know you will all understand this one but when I get on my computer (and of course on C&F 
) I go into ‘computer time’ - I only think I have been there half an hour and it’s two hours later!!! 
“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” – Kermit the Frog
“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” Groucho Marx
Pick up a harmonica and start to play it without checking. It will always be upside down.
Coins dropped on the kitchen floor will roll underneath something that makes them inaccessible. The larger the denomination of the coin, the more inaccessible it will be.
When you ride a bike on any given journey, ending where you started, you will, by the end of the ride, have ascended exactly twice as many feet as you descended.
The weather in Cornwall has been bone-dry for six weeks, up to last Saturday. On Sunday I took part in a sponsored walk for charity, walking on the coast path from Morwenstow to Bude. I was almost drowned twice in half an hour by tropical deluges, the first of which was accompanied by terrifying thunder and lightning just when we were on an exposed clifftop. The rest of the walk was a mudbath, and just before the end I slipped on my arse and got plastered in mud so comprehensively that I couldn’t join the rest in the pub at the end before I’d spent half an hour scraping it off. This is proof absolute that there is no God. Dawkins should be told.
Time flies for me when I’m listening to music. I’ll put something really good on, and the next thing I know, it’s over.
And what about that law a la Murphy that the waitperson will always come and ask you how everything is right after you’ve taken a huge bite of your salad or something? Yeah..happens every time to me 
Yep.
Another waitperson truism: The slowest waiter in the world will become Speedy Gonzales as soon as you put your credit card on the table to pay the bill.
Or that he/she/it is really pissed off at you for some reason.
Buttered toast always falls buttered side down. Has something to do with General Relativity.
Stepping into a supermarket line (queue) immediately causes the person in front of you to misplace their bank card or checkbook, and half the bar codes in their basket to stop working. Whatever is going to make them take 2 hours to check out while your ice cream melts on your shoes.
I wouldn’t be at all surprised, but don’t you think that me on a sponsored walk for a leukaemia charity is a bloody funny time to show it?
Yep. Anyone who queues behind me in a supermarket/post office/bank is an idiot.
[Raises hand] That would be me!
The technique for fishing for Luderick is using a float …and waiting (sometimes waiting and waiting and waiting ! ) for the float to go under,indicating that there is a fish on the other end…
You can bet that the float will go down as soon as you reach for a drink,talk to someone or look the other way 
Yeah, and anyone who lines up in FRONT of me at the post office has multiple pieces of mail, all insured, going to foreign countries requiring customs forms…
(of course on whistle mailing day, I’m often that annoying SOB with the multiple international parcels 
)
The catfood that you open will always be the wrong one, as far as the cat is concerned.
Small objects when dropped will roll under larger objects. (even caltrops, which are really hard to roll!) This is part of the natural hostility of inanimate objects towards animate ones.
It’s true. I’ve been a waiter, and I can tell you that even the conscientious in that profession have a hard time of timing it with solo diners. After all, there’s no one to converse with, so you might as well fall to.
I mean, hey. I’m eating it, aren’t I? How can it not be at least okay then, so why ask? Nevertheless I make do with polite nodding; sometimes I even give a Joe Sixpack thumbs-up in lieu of a spoken reply. But my inclination is to stop, raise my head from my trough with mouth full, and glare darkly at the poor waitron. 
Miss Manners urges, Gentle Reader, that even when dining alone one can and ought to enrich one’s gustatory experience by releasing an iron focus from one’s plate, and by pausing from time to time to admire the scenery beyond the window, or failing that, the quaint foreign zodiac beneath one’s order. Not only is one’s repast freed from mere brutish shovelling by these moments, but one also graciously provides opportunities for one’s server to speak without awkward consequences. Beware of merely pausing to express a philosophical mood, though: the sensitive waiter or owner will likely feel alarm.
Here's a saying I just recently came up with, myself (although I'm sure it's been said before): Don't ascribe to another's subtlety what you can ascribe to your own paranoia.
Works for me.This seems to imply that the waitperson is waiting
for such an opportunity. Whereas, in my experience,
they’re pretty damned busy. So, if the time at which
they check on you can be considered somewhat
random, and you only pause in your mastication 50%
of the time (so as not to give alarm), you still have a
50% chance of having to mumble with a full maw.
(Or, if Murphy dictates, closer to a 80% chance.)