Why Parents Drink

Poststructural Pub
1

I just read again the “water joke” thread, and decided to put this one in a separate thread. It was sent to me by my mother who happens to be an Episcopal Priest. Mostly she tells me blond jokes (she’s blond – or at least she was – now it comes from a bottle), because it’s a challenge for her to make me laugh. Apparently I’m a tough nut to crack. She cracked me this time. Anyway, she prefaced this with the following:

"I just had to send this to my children WITH children… "

You’ll see why.


WHY PARENTS DRINK

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad, she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

2

:laughing: :laughing:

Brilliant.

Slan,
D. :smiley:

3

Why parents drink


The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.



’ Hello ? ’


‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.


’ Yes ,’ whispered the small voice.


May I talk with him?’


The child whispered, ’ No .’



Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your
Mommy there?’

‘Yes.’

‘May I talk with her?’

Again the small voice whispered,



’ No .’


Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’


’ Yes ,’ whispered the child, ’ a policeman ‘.


Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss
asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman’


’ No, he ’ s busy ‘, whispered the child.


‘Busy doing what?’


’ Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,’ came the whispered
answer.


Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’


’ A helicopter ’ answered the whispering voice.


‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.


Again, whispering, the child answered, ’ The search team just landed a
helicopter .’



Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, ‘What are
they searching for?’


Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…

’ ME . SHHHHHHHH’

4

I thought that this was going to be one of those “Children’s Books You’ll Never See” asking for titles like “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry” threads.

5

Very funny :laughing: The both sound like something any one of my children might do…something tells me that if any of them were to, I wouldn’t find it so funny :wink:

6

… which is why when we read it in on a forum we laugh, and when it happens to us we drink.
:slight_smile:

7

Fyffer, buy your mom a drink next time you see her. That was a great read. :slight_smile:

8

I love your mom!

Do you call her “Mother,” by chance? :stuck_out_tongue:

9

The first female priest in my state (the Episcopal Church in the US only started ordaining women in the 1970’s) we called by the following moniker:
“Father Mother Pat Smith”. She smiled sweetly whenever we called her that. My mother – no. She is “Reverend Elizabeth.” No more, no less. Call her Mother, and she’ll swat you like the Mothers and Sisters who taught her her ABC’s. Worse still, call her “Liz”, and she’s likely to kill you, beg forgiveness from the Lord above, then officiate at your funeral.

She’s just “Mom” to me. I only call her “Mother” when I want to get her goat.

10

I know only one female priest and she prefers to be called her name (which is also Elizabeth, strangely). I was just wondering if there are female priests out there called “Mother.” :stuck_out_tongue:

11

I’ve heard visitors to our church ask our priest if they should call her “Mother”. She just laughs and says- NO! call me Fran.

Now, here’s one I heard on tv told by Lewis Black(I think)-



A man knocks on the front door of a house.

The door is answered by a boy, about 10 years old, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of Scotch.

“Is one of your parents home?” the man inquires.

The boy answers…


"What the f%#@* do you think?

12

I gave Fyffer’s story some thought and have come to the conclusion that I wouldn’t have been dismayed by such a letter left by one of my kids.

It the child has the sense of humor and personality to craft such a ploy then that characteristic would have been evident long before. Plus, I would have known the child well enough to know if they’d do something that dumb to begin with. Therefore, I would have known it was a joke or trick of some kind before I even finished the letter.

13

Do you walk around popping childrens’ balloons as well? :wink:

14

And let us not forget Uncle Shelby’s ABZ Book.






15

Thanks a lot, cowtime…now I have coffee all over my keyboard! :laughing:

16

I think this has been posted here before, but I love this joke. It makes me laugh even though I’ve seen it a bunch of times:

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was “DON’T!”

“Don’t what?” Adam replied.

“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.

“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve…we have forbidden fruit!!!”

“No Way!”

“Yes way!”

“Do NOT eat the fruit!” said God.

“Why”

“Because I am your Father and I said so!” God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?” said the Father.

“I don’t know,” said Eve..

“She started it!” Adam said

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“DID NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?



THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

  1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

    \

  2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.

  3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

  4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

  5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

  6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


    ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.


    AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

“TAKE TWO ASPIRIN” AND “KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN”