“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the
Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in
America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’. Need I say more?”
Some more of my favorites (I happen to collect quotes I especially like):
My current avatar is my favorite quote of all time.
I also submit this (related) quote:
I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Woody Allen
And this (unrelated) quote:
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
And, also, one of my favorite quotationizers:
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Friedrich Nietzsche
I LOVE IT SO MUCH! 
One thing this thread has made me realize is just how many music-related quotes I’ve collected (yes, I, too am a collector of quotes).
“Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.”
–Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)“There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.”
–George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)“Art is the proper task of life.”
–Friedrich Nietzsche“No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible.”
–W. H. Auden“When I speak of the gifted listener, I am thinking of the nonmusician primarily, of the listener who intends to retain his amateur status. It is the thought of just such a listener that excites the composer in me.”
–Aaron Copland“If anyone has conducted a Beethoven performance, and then doesn’t have to go to an osteopath, then there’s something wrong.”
–Simon Rattle
And, for the trad musician in us all:
“Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.”
–Kin Hubbard
You are my new best friend. In life, you don’t meet many people who collect quotes.
And I am stealing your Nietzsche quote.
Here’s one of mine of his that I like:
And here is one that some people here might find offensive, but I love:
And another…
..
Some more that I have loved and collected:
I have hundreds more…
Sounds good to me. You can never have too many best friends! 
And Nietzsche has a lot of good quotes.
And, just to provide a slightly different worldview:
“Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear.”
–Thoman Jefferson“Science can destroy religion by ignoring it as well as by disproving its tenets. No one ever demonstrated, so far as I am aware, the non-existence of Zeus or Thor - but they have few followers now.”
–Arthur C. Clarke“The greatest tragedy in mankind’s entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion.”
–Arthur C. Clarke“Without a doubt the greatest injury of all was done by basing morals on myth. For, sooner or later, myth is recognized for what it is, and disappears. Then morality loses the foundation on which it has been built.”
–Lord Samuel“You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.”
–Anne Lamott“We are punished by our sins, not for them.”
–Elbert Hubbard“The more I study religions, the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.”
–Richard Burton“A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.”
–Friedrich Nietzsche“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.”
–Stephen Roberts
And, on a slightly more light-hearted note, some words from my favorite personality of the literary world (with the possible exception of Oscar Wilde):
“Be what you would seem to be - or, if you’d like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”
–Lewis Carroll“Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop.”
–Lewis Carroll“I have had prayers answered - most strangely so sometimes - but I think our heavenly Father’s loving-kindness has been even more evident in what He has refused me.”
–Lewis Carroll
This is fun. 
djm, it’s very interesting that you’ve changed the title of the thread to “funny” quotes. 
Hell is full of musical amateurs.
George Bernard Shaw
You just pick up a chord, go twang, and you’re got music.
Sid Vicious
Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.
Mark Twain
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant, and the cat. He has no real style. He just goes on trying other things.
Pablo Picasso
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us!
It wad frae mony a blunder free us,
And foolish notion.
Robbie Burns
Geez, there are so many.
Only the true messiah denies he’s the true messiah. And I ought to know, I’ve followed a few (Monty Python)
They don’t know what milk is, but they sure know where it comes from (“Buzz Chromehunger,” Firesign Theater)
Oh, intercourse the penguin! (Monty Python)
I got kicked out of the Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas for saying shit. In a place where the big game is called crap (George Carlin)
I was born by caesarian section. I’m perfectly normal, but I always leave my house through the window (Steven Wright)
I like to keep an open mind, but not so open my brains fall out (Harry Anderson)
At the age of four I wanted to be a baker; at six, a policeman; at seven, Napoleon, and my aspirations have been growing ever since (Salvador Dali)
Everybody happy? Whee, Whee, Whee, and to hell with the chappy who doesn’t agree (E. E. Cummings)
Kubrick thought Malcolm MacDowell was great because he could belch oncommand? Add armpit farts to that, and my son must be a genius. (Paula Poundstone)
Arrogantly twisting the sterile canvas snoot of an icing and ointment utensile, he puts forth a quarter ounce green rosette near the summit of a dense but radiant muffin of his own design (Frank Zappa)
I’ve been an atheist for many a long year now, but this guy said some divinely wise things. I can read Matthew chapters 5 to 7 any time for inspiration. I could add that I adore the great religious choral works of Bach, Mozart and Beethoven. And I love majestic cathedrals and little village churches. Being an atheist don’t come easy y’know! 
Steve
BTW, my Burns quote wasn’t funny as such: I entered it before I spotted that the thread had changed tack!
Sorry, didn’t mean to throw you off. I had found a funny quote, and intended the thread to go that way, knowing the great sense of humour, as well as deep literary experience of many contributors to the board. When I suspected it was devolving into the 700 Club I changed the title to more clearly reflect what I had intended.
djm
By changing the thread’s whole topic mid-way through, you made a lot of people’s posts (who responded before you changed the subject) seem a bit out of place.
Changing the topic after a whole page has been written is in bad taste, if nothing else, in my view (but of course as you know, my view is always wrong).
Since the thread was already going in your original direction, I think it would have been better if, instead of changing the title and editing your first responses, you had started an entirely new thread for the new subject.
In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
Mark Twain
Our opinions become fixed at the point where we stop thinking.
Ernest Renan
It is the absolute right of the State to supervise the formation of public opinion.
Joseph Goebbels
You’ve no idea what a poor opinion I have of myself – and how little I deserve it.
William Gilbert
A couple more from Sam:
If you took all the economists in the world and laid them end to end, they wouldn’t reach a conclusion.
If you find a dog that is starving and sick and take him in and feed him and make him prosper, he will not bite you. That is the difference between dog and man.
love is for poets..
Connor MacLeod, Highlander.