Bodhran Jokes

[WhistlingGypsy]

These may have been posted before but I thought they might be worth repeating (obviously no disrespect meant to anyone dead or alive)


Fellow walks into a pub in Belfast with a plastic bag under his arms.
The bartender asks “What’s that?”
“Six pounds of semtex”, he answers.
“Thanks be to Jaysus; I thought it was a bodhrán!”
(Courtesy of Tommy Hayes)

Then there was the bodhran player who remembered that he had left his
bodhrán in his unlocked car. Rushing back, he opened his car door to
find two more bodhráns in the back seat.

(Courtesy of Scott Kellar)

A bodhran player was sick of the band abusing him, and decided to
start his own. He walked into a music shop, planning to buy the first
instruments he saw.
“Give me the red saxophone and that accordion!”, he said.
The assistant said, “You play the bodhran, don’t you?”
“That’s right. Why?”
"Well, the fire exinguisher I can sell you - but the radiator stays.

(Courtesy of Ben Knight)



What’s the only proper way to play a bodhrán?

With an open penknife.
(This, the primordial bodhrán joke, is the responsibility of Seamus
Ennis)

\

What do you call a groupie who hangs around annoying session musicians?

A bodhrán player.

What is the difference between a bodhrán player and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathisers.

What do bodhrán players use for birth control?

Their personalities.

How do you know when there is a bodhrán player at your front door ?

The knocking gets faster and faster and faster…

Why do bodhrán players find it difficult to enter a room ?

They never know when to come in.

What’s the difference between a bodhrán and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Bodhrán care is simple… Rub gently with lighter fluid and ignite.

(provided by Ed Dale; attributed to Seán O’Riada)

Then of course there was the fiddle player who, while visiting the
local pub, was asked for a dollar to help pay for the funeral of a
local bodhrán player.

“Here’s two dollars;” he says “bury another.”
(courtesy [if that’s the right word] of Ed Dale)

\

What is the difference between a dead bodhran player lying in the road
and and a dead rabbit lying in the road?

The rabbit might have been on it’s way to a gig.

\

Is a bodhrán-player a musician?

Is a barnacle a ship?
(courtesy of Paul Nicolaides)

\

Why is a bodhran player like a foot massage?

A foot massage bucks up the feet, whereas…
(courtesy of Bernard Argent, on IRTRAD-L)

\

What do you call a bodhrán player with a broken wrist?

A huge improvement.
(courtesy of John Birtwistle, on IRTRAD-L, attributed to the
Chippenham session)

\

What have a bodhrán player and a sperm got in common?

One chance in a million of ever becoming a human being!
(courtesy of Beverley Whelan, on IRTRAD-L, attributed to the
Inverkeilor session)

\

Collective noun: A skinful of bodhráns.

(reported on rec.music.celtic by Marcus Turner)

Best things to do with a bodhrán:
Set fire to the hoop and make the player jump through it.
Roll it over a cliff into the ocean.
Nail soup can lids around the rim and use it as a tambourine.
(from rec.music.celtic, 7/95)

Define an optimist.

A bodhrán player with a beeper.
(courtesy of Jim McGill; but Ken Larson says I just thought I’d
mention that I got two bodhrán gigs last week through my pager… So
there, Nyagh!!!)

\

How is pre-mature ejaculation like a bodhrán solo?

You know perfectly well what’s about to happen, but you can’t do a
thing about it.
(courtesy of Tommy Hayes)

\

What do you get when you murder a bodhránist with his own beater?

Tipper Gore.
(Submitted anonymously, no doubt to avoid reprisals)

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What’s the difference between a bodhran player and a drum machine?

You only have to punch the rhythm into the drum machine once.
(donated by Chris Pitts)

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Why do men make better bodhran players than women?

Because they have already mastered the wrist movement.
(posted on rec.music.celtic by Tracy Reith)

\

What’s the difference between a bodhran and an onion?

Most people cry when they cut up an onion.
(from Kirk Witmer)

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Customer: I’d like to buy a guitar, please.
Shop Assistant: You’re a bodhran player, aren’t you?
Customer: How did you know that?
Shop Assistant: This is a fish and chip shop.

[RonKiley]

What do you call a Bodhran player at a musicians convention?

An imposter

Ron

[Michael31856]

Gawd that lot made me howl out loud! Sad, but I’m new to bodhran jokes. Been around a lot of bodhran players mind you, hence the laughter.

Met a couple of superb bodhran-ists(?) in recent years - perhaps they’ll haunt your dreams…

[Chief_Wanganui]

Liked the Tommy Hayes one. Haven’t seen Tommy in years. I can just hear him telling it. (Incidentally, the greatest bodhran player I have ever worked with, and an absolute gent!!).

[Mitch]

A pig walks into a bar with a bodhran player under his arm …

[talasiga]

@Mitch

A pig walks into a bar with a bodhran player under his arm …

Only one pig?
So what explains the excessive number of bodhran players
at some sessions that I have been hearing about?

[Mitch]

@talasiga

@Mitch

A pig walks into a bar with a bodhran player under his arm …

Only one pig?
So what explains the excessive number of bodhran players
at some sessions that I have been hearing about?

And the barman says “Bugger-off Grumpy - since you came in last time they’ve been popping out of the carpet!”

[Chiffed]

@WhistlingGypsy

What is the difference between a dead bodhran player lying in the road
and and a dead rabbit lying in the road?

The rabbit might have been on it’s way to a gig.

\

.

Alternate Punchline:

There’s skidmarks in front of the rabbit.

[Rod_Sprague]

You see a banjo player and bodhran player along side the road. What do you do?

Run over the bodhran player first; business before pleasure. (I heard this as an accordion player joke.)


A bodhran player from North America converses with some Brits: “I understand you go in the opposite direction down the street in your country.” “Yes, yes, we do.” “Isn’t that hard on transmissions?” “No, we have multiple reverse gears (chortle) and the threads tighten the opposite way, so things don’t come apart whilst moving in the opposite direction.” “Doh!”


What do you do if your group has a bodhran player who performs the proper subtleties of dynamics and tempo?

Make all reasonable efforts to keep them!


What do you call a bodhran player who broke up with their significant other?

Homeless.

[boomerang]

Bodhran players come in very handy at times,
especially to tell if the stage is level,
if it is level the drool comes out both corners of their mouths at once

definition of perfect pitch,
To throw a crappy whistle at the guitarist, have it bounce of his head and spear the bodhran

[Rod_Sprague]

What do you call 200 bodhran players with their instruments on the ocean floor?

A good start.


How do you keep two bodhran players from getting out of sync?

Shoot one.


You’re lost in the woods and you’re in too bad a shape to trust your senses and judgment. You meet up with Santa, 5 good bodhran players, and a mediocre whistle player. Who do you ask for help?

The mediocre whistle player, the others are clearly hallucinations.


How does a professional bodhran player get better mileage?

They remove the pizza delivery sign from their car.

[gonzo914]

A family walks into a talent agency. It’s a father, mother, son, and the mother’s twin 17-year-old girl cousins, who are both dressed as gymnasts, and of course, a dog. The father says to the talent agent, “We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.”

The agent says, “Sorry, I don’t represent family acts. They’re a little too cute.”

The mother says, “Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.”

The agent says, “OK. OK. I’ll take a look.”

And so they all pull out bodhrans, even the dog. The mother plays her own bodhran with her own tipper, and then she takes the fathers’s tipper into her mouth and holds it with her teeth and plays his bodhran at the same time. Meanwhile, the son takes the dog’s tipper and puts his own tipper into the dog’s mouth, and the dog chews on the son’s tipper while the son rubs the dog’s belly, which makes the dog’s leg shake and beat the son’s bodhran.

The two twin gymnast cousins then both do interlocking back bends, and they each start flicking each other’s tipper and playing each other’s bodhran. The son then comes over to them and, with his tipper stuck behind his ear, rubs the insides of their bodhrans, one with each hand. While he strokes the soft inner skin of the bodhran head, the twins beat their tippers faster and faster, which gets the dog all excited, and he jumps on top of them and licks all their tippers.

Then the mom drops the father’s tipper and puts her own bodhran on the floor in front of her. The father then stands over it with his tipper in his hand and fills the bodhran with Guinness, which the mom sloshes around until the head is nice and loose, then gives it to the dog to drink. The dog drinks all the Guinness and passes out, so the son takes the two twin gymnasts’ tippers, one in each hand, holding them straight up and down, and the two twin gymnasts hang their bodhrans on the erect tippers, then pick up the dog and carry him off stage to the tune of “The Atholl Highlanders.”.

For the finale, the twins return and do headstands, holding their bodhrans between their legs. The son and the father each take a tipper and begin playing a fast jig beat on each of the twins’ bodhrans. Then they switch tippers and then switch twins, and while the son and the father and the twins are working their way through every possible mathematical permutation of twin, tipper and drum head, the mom rips off a string of fast wrist-shattering triplets, and the whole thing ends with everyone playing their own bodhran with their own tipper and lilting “An Phis Fluich.”

When they finish, the agent just sits in silence, dumbstruck. Finally, he manages, “That’s a hell of an act. What do you call it?”

And the father says, “The Aristocrats!”

[Sliabh_Luachra]

@gonzo914

A family walks into a talent agency. It’s a father, mother, son, and the mother’s twin 17-year-old girl cousins, who are both dressed as gymnasts, and of course, a dog. The father says to the talent agent, “We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.”

The agent says, “Sorry, I don’t represent family acts. They’re a little too cute.”

The mother says, “Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.”

The agent says, “OK. OK. I’ll take a look.”

And so they all pull out bodhrans, even the dog. The mother plays her own bodhran with her own tipper, and then she takes the fathers’s tipper into her mouth and holds it with her teeth and plays his bodhran at the same time. Meanwhile, the son takes the dog’s tipper and puts his own tipper into the dog’s mouth, and the dog chews on the son’s tipper while the son rubs the dog’s belly, which makes the dog’s leg shake and beat the son’s bodhran.

The two twin gymnast cousins then both do interlocking back bends, and they each start flicking each other’s tipper and playing each other’s bodhran. The son then comes over to them and, with his tipper stuck behind his ear, rubs the insides of their bodhrans, one with each hand. While he strokes the soft inner skin of the bodhran head, the twins beat their tippers faster and faster, which gets the dog all excited, and he jumps on top of them and licks all their tippers.

Then the mom drops the father’s tipper and puts her own bodhran on the floor in front of her. The father then stands over it with his tipper in his hand and fills the bodhran with Guinness, which the mom sloshes around until the head is nice and loose, then gives it to the dog to drink. The dog drinks all the Guinness and passes out, so the son takes the two twin gymnasts’ tippers, one in each hand, holding them straight up and down, and the two twin gymnasts hang their bodhrans on the erect tippers, then pick up the dog and carry him off stage to the tune of “The Atholl Highlanders.”.

For the finale, the twins return and do headstands, holding their bodhrans between their legs. The son and the father each take a tipper and begin playing a fast jig beat on each of the twins’ bodhrans. Then they switch tippers and then switch twins, and while the son and the father and the twins are working their way through every possible mathematical permutation of twin, tipper and drum head, the mom rips off a string of fast wrist-shattering triplets, and the whole thing ends with everyone playing their own bodhran with their own tipper and lilting “An Phis Fluich.”

When they finish, the agent just sits in silence, dumbstruck. Finally, he manages, “That’s a hell of an act. What do you call it?”

And the father says, “The Aristocrats!”

Okay, that’s really freakin’ funny!!

Mark

[gonzo914]

@Sliabh Luachra

[
Okay, that’s really freakin’ funny!!

Mark

Why, thank you. I’m just surprised it didn’t get this thread moved to the Pub.

[Lambchop]

@gonzo914

A family walks into a talent agency. It’s a father, mother, son, and the mother’s twin 17-year-old girl cousins, who are both dressed as gymnasts, and of course, a dog. The father says to the talent agent, “We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.”

The agent says, “Sorry, I don’t represent family acts. They’re a little too cute.”

The mother says, “Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.”

The agent says, “OK. OK. I’ll take a look.”

And so they all pull out bodhrans, even the dog. The mother plays her own bodhran with her own tipper, and then she takes the fathers’s tipper into her mouth and holds it with her teeth and plays his bodhran at the same time. Meanwhile, the son takes the dog’s tipper and puts his own tipper into the dog’s mouth, and the dog chews on the son’s tipper while the son rubs the dog’s belly, which makes the dog’s leg shake and beat the son’s bodhran.

The two twin gymnast cousins then both do interlocking back bends, and they each start flicking each other’s tipper and playing each other’s bodhran. The son then comes over to them and, with his tipper stuck behind his ear, rubs the insides of their bodhrans, one with each hand. While he strokes the soft inner skin of the bodhran head, the twins beat their tippers faster and faster, which gets the dog all excited, and he jumps on top of them and licks all their tippers.

Then the mom drops the father’s tipper and puts her own bodhran on the floor in front of her. The father then stands over it with his tipper in his hand and fills the bodhran with Guinness, which the mom sloshes around until the head is nice and loose, then gives it to the dog to drink. The dog drinks all the Guinness and passes out, so the son takes the two twin gymnasts’ tippers, one in each hand, holding them straight up and down, and the two twin gymnasts hang their bodhrans on the erect tippers, then pick up the dog and carry him off stage to the tune of “The Atholl Highlanders.”.

For the finale, the twins return and do headstands, holding their bodhrans between their legs. The son and the father each take a tipper and begin playing a fast jig beat on each of the twins’ bodhrans. Then they switch tippers and then switch twins, and while the son and the father and the twins are working their way through every possible mathematical permutation of twin, tipper and drum head, the mom rips off a string of fast wrist-shattering triplets, and the whole thing ends with everyone playing their own bodhran with their own tipper and lilting “An Phis Fluich.”

When they finish, the agent just sits in silence, dumbstruck. Finally, he manages, “That’s a hell of an act. What do you call it?”

And the father says, “The Aristocrats!”

Can someone explain, please?

[Sliabh_Luachra]

@Lambchop

Can someone explain, please?

Sure, you must run out and rent a movie called, “The Aristocrats”. It’s about one, perhaps the raunchiest entertainment in-joke of all time, joke and it’s many variations told by many comedians. The funniest, and grossest, has got to be Bob Saget. Yes, Bob Saget from that stupid show with the Olsen twins and the idiotic home video thing. He was, and is, a great stand up guy. This movie isn’t for the sensitive or easily offended, though. Cran, for example, would hate it.

Mark