THINKING ABOUT THE SPACE PROGRAM
WHILE LEAVING THE UROLOGIST’S OFFICE
They can put a man on the moon
but they can’t come up with a way
to check for an enlarged prostate
without sticking a finger up my
or Neil Armstrong’s butt.
The End
No matter how many folks
To outer space we send,
Our docs explore our inner space:
They’ll get you in the end.
–James
Just be thankful this is not a situation in which self-examination is required.
I guess this would not be the time to joke about Uranus and Klingons…
Actually, they CAN diagnose prostate problems without the digital exam using ultrasound, CAT scans etc. However, those are FAR more costly, and the DRE is amazingly effective.
Just be thankful that you are not a doctor that does routine physical examinations. Can you imagine what it must feel like when you arrive at your place of work only to find that the appointment person has scheduled your morning with five physical exams back to back. I think that I would rather teach five classes back to back explaining how to factor algebraic polynomials.
Why are there no female urologists? I’d certainly go to one if I could find one.
And no, it’s not because of what you think.
It’s because their hands are smaller.
And because I read somewhere women surgeons as a group have better fine motor skills than male surgeons, which would be reassuring in the event anything needs removed.
And because women doctors tend to be more empathetic toward their patients (read that somewhere, too).
And . . . .OK, maybe it’s just a little of what you think.
A stand-up comedian at Chicago’s The Playground told the story of how he was waiting on the train platform and he overheard a boy ask his mother, “Who was the first person on the moon?” The mother answered confidently, “That was Lance Armstrong.” So the guy weighs the rudeness of interrupting against the negligence of letting a kid grow up thinking that bicycle great Lance Armstrong was the first person on the moon and finally decides it’s his duty to step in. "Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear. Just wanted to tell you it wasn’t Lance Armstrong who was first on the moon, it was Neil Young.
(This might be the kind of thing that has to be told rather than written, but the guy’s emphasis was perfect, trailing off a bit on Young.)
carrie
The doctor snaps his latex glove.
A visceral reaction:
I dream of space.
An erect, latex finger,
pointing the way to the stars,
or is it my mistake,
and it’s pointing up my … eh… heh.. 
Well, I am glad to hear that they can find an enlarged prostate by sticking the finger up your or Neil Armstrongs butt.
So, while you were there, did they tell you if the rest of us are OK? Or are you going to have to go back later to take the exam for the rest of the menfolk?
Females are not all that more ‘gentle’ and there is no pleasure for a psychologically healthy person in that exam 
… guys who think that exam is no fun can at least bask in the comfort of the fact that they have only one ‘access spot’ being prodded, and only from one angle… females have the …um… ‘benefit’ of having an additional location for simultaneous ‘examination’, which is about as far from pleasant as you can get without involving anesthesia. 
Oh, and if you think about it, if the female’s hand is smaller, she’ll have to reach further in to get to the spot in question, and therefore the widening of her hand will negate any percieved advantage.
I’ll bet that really p!sses you off. 
What more can one say about colorectal surgeons. Canadian comedy team Bowser and Blue. Here.</A](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otcVrKomXbk&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bowserandblue.com%2F">Here.</A)>
djm
If your doc is a girl, that doesn’t necessarily make things a bit easier.
For one thing, this kind of exam is a kind of invasion of your privacy and personal space (literally!), and it does not allow for dignity.
For another thing, for whatever reason, women are not sympathetic at all to men regarding this kind of test. Rather, they seem almost to…well…to gloat about it, and to sort of rejoice that we had to experience it.
(Edited to note that Annie’s post came in while I was composing this post. See her post for an example of what I mean. )
Finally, without going into detail, sometimes a test such as this can trigger responses that can be quite embarrassing enough without your doctor being an attractive lady. 
The very thought of such things makes me feel both uncomfortable and a bit paranoid.
/me shudders…
–James
Because this thread is only getting worse, I shall ask a linguistics
question. This “needs removed” is interesting. I would have said
“needs to be removed”, or “needs removing”, but somehow it’s
getting more common to forgo the “to be” when using the “-ed”
form of the verb after “needs”.
e.g., “This tire needs pumped up,” or “My cat needs spayed.”
I first encountered this in the speech of an Ohioan who had just
moved to NC, but years later I’m hearing it more and more. Is it
regional? How can it most effeciently be fought? It needs stamped
out.
We might could pass a law agin it.
According to this article, the usage is seen among engineers and scientists, Midwesterners, Pennsylvanians, and Scots, to which I would add “people facing the prospect of having something removed from their nether regions” and “folks who need to be scanned with a metal detector prior to certain invasive procedures so as to ensure the doctor does not prick her finger.”
There’s a bit of a debate going on in medical circles in Australia about scans. To cut a long story short—if only to show I can—scans pick up signs of early trouble, much earlier than space probes, so can save serious treatment later. The downside is that scans also deliver loads of false positives, so people who don’t really need treatment get it and have to suffer side effects. Swings and roundabouts I guess.
There’s the mildy embarrassing response and the very embarrassing response. But I won’t go into details either. Except to say how ironic it is that German businessmen go to Amsterdam and pay for the kind of experience you find embarrassing.