I thought this was very funny. Anyone care to turn it into the UP version?
Question:
Hi,
Is there someone who can give me some directions on how to play the
sax? I ve just purchased one and would love to know how to play it.
Some helpful web links would also be great!Answer:
Yeah, first things first. If you re a white guy you ll need a stupid
hat, the more stupid the better, and preferably a beret. Sunglasses
are optional but all the really, really good players wear them
especially indoors. You ll also need some gig shirts. Hawaiian ones
are good. In a pinch, any
thing with a loud floral pattern is acceptable as are tee shirts from
various jazz clubs and festivals. The good thing about the latter is that
you can get them by mail order so you don t have to go to all the trouble
seeing and hearing live music. And, sandals are an absolute must even in
Winter.Once you ve assembled the proper attire you can start practicing. One
of the most important things about playing is being able to convey
emotion to the audience. This you do through various facial
expressions. The two emotions you ll need to convey are (1) rapture /
ecstasy and (2) soul wrenching pain and sadness - i.e., the blues.
You may find it useful in the beginning to borrow a page from the
method acting school. So, for example,
to convey rapture, try thinking of something nice like puppy dogs or
getting
a rim job from Uma Thurman while Phil Barone feeds you Armour hot dogs in
truffle sauce.To convey the blues , try thinking of something really appalling like
ulcerative colitis or Alec Baldwin. You should practice your facial
expressions in front of a mirror at least two hours per day. You may
feel a tad stupid at first, but you ll never get the chicks if you don
t jump around on stage like a monkey with your face all screwed up
like there s a rabid wolverine in your colon believe you me. And
bottom line, Chicks are really what music s all about.Next, you ll need the correct ligature. Some people think that the
ligature is just a stupid piece of old metal that holds the reed on
the mouthpiece. Well! Those people are idiots! Besides your beret,
the ligature is the single most important piece of musical equipment
you will ever buy. Mine, for example, is forty percent platinum and
sixty percent titanium. One wing
screw is rubidium and the other is plutonium. It makes me sound exactly
like Booker Erwin would if Booker Erwin were (1) not dead and (2) on Mars
and if (3) there was oxygen on Mars. You may have to spend years and
years
and thousands of dollars finding the proper ligature but in the end, it
will
definitely be worth it.Now, reeds. Optimally, you ll want to move to Cuba, grow and cure
your own cane and carve your reeds by hand. If you re just a weekend
warrior however,
you can get by with store bought. First buy ten boxes of reeds.
One-hundred in all. Next open the boxes and throw away sixty reeds.
Those
were unplayable. Take the remaining reeds and soak them in a mixture of
27.8 % rubbing alcohol and 72.2 % pituitary gland extract for a period of
seventeen weeks. Throw away twenty more reeds. Those were stuffy. Take
the remaining twenty reeds and sand each one for exactly thirteen seconds
with #1200 grit 3M sandpaper. Throw away fourteen reeds. Those squeaked.
Take the remaining six reeds and soak them for another seventeen weeks
this
time, however; in a mixture of 27.8 % pituitary gland extract and 72.2 %
rubbing alcohol. Sun dry the remaining six reeds for three weeks
optimally
at an equatorial latitude and then throw away three more reeds on general
principles. You now have three reeds that will last you several months if
you play each one only twenty minutes a day in strict rotation.Now, you say you bought a horn. Although you didn t say what kind it
is I d sell it immediately and get a different one. The best one to
get would be a
Selmer Mark VI made a 4:27 PM on June 14th, 1963, serial number 635543.
If
you can t get that one though, generally speaking, the older and more
expensive ones are better. The following brands are good: Selmer Paris
Mark
VI. The following brands suck: any other Selmer, Yamaha, Conn, Beuscher,
Yanigasawa, Cannonball, LA, Jupiter, Elkhart, King, Martin, Keilworth,
Boosey and Hawkes, Couf, Silvertone and Holton. On no account should you
play the horn before you buy it. Go strictly on reputation and price. If
you can t get a Mark VI and need further information, there s some broad
in
here who s owned every freaking saxophone ever made. Sherry or Sheryl or
something. She can probably tell you which one s best.You will also need some accouterments: a flight case capable of
withstanding atmospheric pressure of dP = -Dg dz where D and g are,
respectively, the density of air and the acceleration due to gravity
at the altitude of the air layer and dz is a horizontal layer of air
having unit surface area and infinitesimal thickness; a metronome; a
tuner; a combination atlo-tenor-baritone sax stand with pegs for an
oboe, bass clarinet, flute, English horn, and bassoon; Band in a Box;
every Jamie Aebersold play-along record ever created; a reed cutter;
swabs; cleaners; pad savers; pad dope; pad clamps; a Sennheiser
Digital 1092 Wireless Microphone; an effects rig with digital delay
and parmetric EQ; and a two-hundred watt (per channel
minimum) amplifier and eighteen inch monitor.It will be helpful if you listen to lots of sax players.
Unfortunately, listening solely to players you like is absolutely the
worst thing you can do. To really understand the music and
traditions, you have to back to the beginning and listen to every bit
of music ever recorded. I d start with madrigals and work forward.
Once you get to the twentieth century, pay particular attention to
players like Jimmy Dorsey and Sidney Bechet, the well-springs of the
modern jazz saxophone. In no time at all, or by 2034, whichever comes
first, you ll be able to understand the unique be-bop stylings of
players like Ace Cannon, Boots Randolph and Grover Washington, Jr.Finally, to play the sax itself, blow in the small end and move your
fingers around. Good luck!!!
I just spat out my beverage.