My Brother has a daughter that was born before he was married. The mother, her parents and the adoptive parents made him and my mother agree to not have any contact with her until she was an adult. This daughter is now approaching that age and my mother would like to locate her. Through her own efforts she has discovered that she live in the Sacramento Ca area.
There are tons of “People Search” services offerred on the net but how trustworthy are they? What other methods are available?
How would you suggest she procede? My mother is desparate and has pained about this for many years.
One thing I would caution your mom on…as an adoptee, the girl may not WANT to be contacted by someone from her biological family. While you hear a lot about the adoptees who are searching for their biological roots, you don’t generally hear much about those of us who really don’t want that at all (and there are a fair few of us). There’s a real chance that she thinks of her family only as the people she grew up KNOWING as family, and she may well resent what she might see as an intrusion.
I only say that so your mom won’t get her hopes up too high. More often than people may realize, an adoptee doesn’t want contact with the biological family, and that needs to be respected. There are all kinds of factors at play here…the need to identify with one’s actual family (i.e., the one in which one was raised), the very real desire not to hurt one’s parents, etc.
I don’t know much about the various agencies, never having used one myself, but I would look for something that requires BOTH parties to register before hooking them up (in other words, one that would only provide information about either party if the other party is actually looking for her). There’s a better chance of the outcome being a happy one for your mom if the girl is actually interested in contact.
I don’t know the answer, but I’ll bet our resident sleuth, Tyler Morris, might have some solid suggestions.
He’s usually around at some point each day, so I would imagine he might check in on this thread when he sees the topic, but if not, you could PM him- he’s a very friendly and very helpful sort of chap.
Wise words from Redwood there.
I knew a girl who was adopted shortly after birth and she often said that she would never make,or agree to, contact with her birth mother.
She bore the woman no animosity but felt that it would only stir up things best left in the past.
Other people may have a different take on the matter but tread carefully,very carefully.
My undestanding is that there are a couple of agencies in the US that bring parents and children from a post-adoptive relationship together, but only if both apply to the same agency. In other words, you as the parent could apply, but if the child never puts in a matching request, no introduction will ever take place. If the child never knows they were adopted, this pretty much assures that no meeting will ever take place.
Yep…there are a few of them, and it’s best to register with all of them, if you can. Increases the chance of a meeting, if a meeting is mutually desired.
In this day and age, it’s relatively unusual for parents not to tell their children they’re adopted. There are medical issues to consider, after all…children are going to ask “is there heart disease in my family history,” for example (especially if it’s a problem in the adoptive family), so it’s rather difficult to hide (and pretty much unnecessary, really).
It’s just that many adopted kids (and I was one of them) really don’t want to be “hooked up” with our biological relatives. It causes too many painful emotional issues…to our mind, our mother and father are the people who raised us, and having to deal with the physical reality of someone else who considers herself our “mother” or “grandmother” (or “father” or “grandfather”) is painful. It’s not a matter of bearing anyone ill will…it’s more a sense of loyalty to what we consider to be our “real” (and only) family.
Obviously there are adopted people out there who feel differently, which is why there are agencies that will bring together adoptees and biological family members, but I do think it’s very important that the desire to meet be mutual.
