A small point that I’m sure you’re aware of too: I don’t think ‘falling in love’ is a ruse to get us to procreate
so much as a process that leads to mating–that includes procreation but it goes a lot further, cause
one ends up with a mate. I do think it’s been selected for, that the mating dances of birds, for instance,
are the result of selection. And I think the same thing goes for us. Also the proximate mechanism is indeed
a mechanism, it’s something like a bird building a nest, a preprogrammed series of stages
that leads to a result. I don’t think falling in love is something we do because it’s pleasant.
I think we do it largely because we can’t help it. Also it often is at least as unpleasant as
pleasant, even when it’s successful. There’s a mechanism in place that brings people who
don’t know each other into extraordinary physical and emotional intimacy, and they aren’t much in control,
and that’s often scary for the participants–many of whom have never been that close
to another adult. Sudden intimacy with another human being, the involuntary breaking down
of restraints and barriers and self-protection, can be painful. It’s certainly more interesting than drying the
dishes, something extraordinary is going on, that’s for sure, but I think we
tend to forget the pain of falling in love.
Transitions and cross-cultural situations are tough, that’s for sure. Of course we don’t know
what would have happened to your friend who fell for the girl in the states. Our divorce rate
is at 50 percent, I believe.
In India situations like these are beginning to arise as people take up middle class
professions outside of their caste. So a young physician will wish to marry a nurse,
and his parents will object: ‘But she is from the fisherman caste!’
Astrologers also play a role in Indian marriages, which sometimes don’t happen because
the astrologers say the union will lead to awful trouble, it’s in the stars.
It’s not that the Indian situation is perfect, only that it works a lot better in general
at creating lasting and happy marriages than our way of going about it.
The underlying premiss in our society is that one should marry for love
and that has contributed to the destruction of countless marriages.
The Indian idea is that one marries, not for love, but for stability
and compatibility. If love comes, as it often does, wonderful,
if not, respect is enough. And young people are in no position
to select for stability and compatibility, nor is the mechanism
of falling in love.
Of course there is no mechanism in place in our society that can
select for stability and compatibility. In India there generally is one:
the family (especially the mother) does it pretty reliably.
Finally people may simply have a moral right to select for
themselves who they will marry, but it’s worth noting
that the outcome is often extraordinarily destructive
for a number of people, including children.
This seems to assume predesignated and described roles and responsibilities. No such thing exists in today’s western society - at least, none that I am aware of. It also ignores the amount of spousal abuse that goes on in Indian marriages, especially, but not restricted to, Muslim marriages.
Yes, I have friends in exactly the same situation, but their families in India are quite well off and well educated, and don’t seem to have such objections.
I would agree with this 100%, but there is no guidance on how to select a mate in any society. I am vaguely curious about the claims from firms like eHarmony, but I don’t know how truly scientifiic their method is. I don’t know that anyone in our society is knowledgable enough to help others become sufficiently stable enough to support and maintain a fairytale relationship for life. It seems to “just happen”, as dissatisfying an explanation as that is, and damn seldom, to boot.
As far as Indian society goes, I fear you are seeing things through rose-tinted glasses, as I know of no-one living such a charmed existence. They may be able to put a good face on it, but then, don’t we all?
I wouldn’t be surprised if Indian marriage law and culture had a lot to do with long lasting marriges in India, whether they are equally as happy might be difficult to quantify. My other Indian friend who married an Anglo-American girl has been married nearly as long as I have, 30+ years. No reason to suspect my climbing buddy who lives here now also wouldn’t also have had the same type of marriage. It was really quite cruel, what his parents did, it knocked a spark out of him he never regained and my other friend lost his parents long before they died, not an admirable cultural aspect IMO.
There is a reason to suspect it–though not to positively believe it. The odds going in that he would be divorced
are 1 in 2. The divorce rate for second marriages is 65 percent. There are divorces happening all around
me, in fact. Two of my closest friends have just split up. They have a five year old daughter. In my wife’s family,
two of her siblings.
are divorcing from their spouse. Several children involved. A large percentage of American children
are living in broken homes. But I don’t mean to minimize the
grief your friend’s parents intransigence caused. I agree, it’s quite cruel.
I have no idea how to quantify how happy people are, but there is no question that Indian families
are generally happier than American families. You can see it all around you if you live there. There is enormous
affection and stability and sanity. As I’ve mentioned, families tend to be extended, so
the young man who marries brings his wife home, as does his brother. Also there is a sister
who doesn’t wish to marry and Uncle Louie living on the roof in a closet, who never amounted
to anything. Grandma and Grandpa are at the top, there are a number of children playing
in a central courtyard, child care is shared, hence a lot more pleasant, andif Mom or Dad are innadequate at parenting,
Grandpa and Grandma or Uncle or Auntie or another Auntie or…fill in the gap. American
nuclear families maximize the destructive impact on children of defective parenting
and they often isolate grown ups.
Indians take enormous satisfaction in their families, they are like pieces of a jig saw
puzzle, they hardly exist as individuals.
Of course India is known as The Land of Infinite Contrasts. Sure things go wrong,
certainly there’s a lot wrong in India.
But one of the most salient features of Indian society is that family is the center of life
and families do work well, usually. As one Indian said to me, talking about Indian society
and its problems: ‘At least we still have our families.’ And arranged marriage is the
bedrock of family.
By the way I do take the point that there are other features of Indian society that
make for stability in marriage, other than that the marriages are arranged. For instance,
the professional role for wife and husband, which you could have without
arranged marriage. People go into the marriage knowing what they are supposed
to do and there is no wrangling over who does what. For instance, it is generally
understood that the wife will control the finances, the husband will give her
his wages and will need to ask her for money if he wishes to buy things.
This is because the woman runs the household, that’s her professional turf,
expenses are household expenses and so she controls the purse.
But I do think that arranged marriages make for compatibility and stability
because, as my Indian friends said, an Indian mother knows the sort
of girl who will make her son happy a good deal better than he does.
One of the serious problems for American marriage is that we often
fall in love with someone with whom we haven’t a hope of being
happy. Young people really are not very good at selecting
people to marry.
There is no way we can be like Indian families; most of us can’t imagine
what they are like. Imagine
a society where most people are not dealing, one way or another,
with the consequences of defective parenting. I found that I couldn’t
hang out with Indians in a family setting, because they were at
a level of intimacy I couldn’t attain. People just sit around
and do very simple things and smile at each other moronically.
But it’s very hard to get anything
done. If you are defending your dissertation in the morning,
and your friends show up and want to play Scrabble, you
can’t say No.
Poetry and song: our mating calls. Biological robotics in action.
There was a point of view among some Plains Indian cultures that love is, in fact, a form of actual insanity. Bear in mind that in such cultures that doesn’t necessarily mean intrinsically “bad”; but it is “other”, perilous, obsessive, and judgment is often clouded. And, where the tradition was that a man hung out and played his NA flute when he was calling for his beloved, like as not he made bad music into the bargain. We can’t all be Mary Bergin. Insanity indeed.
This would not be alien to me or many of those I grew up with at all. And we didn’t even have any of those less fortunates, slaves, servants, whatever, working for us to relieve us of many of the everyday burdens of running a house hold as is common in India.
This sounds like many families I know here in my mountains. We’ve always been like that. I’m not going to say that there aren’t broken homes, divorce, shack-ups, because these are also common here now-but they weren’t a generation ago. I chalk that up to the rest of the world invading changing our society. Heck, my grandparents, aunts, etc. lived with us at various times.It was wonderful to grow up that way. Now, my granddaughter has a huge extended family that takes part in her care everyday. We are still a clannish bunch too. Mess with one, you’ve messed with us all. Oh, and while marriages might not be “technically” arranged, believe me, by the time any feller gets to the girl, the family knows who he’s kin to and what kind of people they are. If they don’t pass muster, he’s history.
"The Waltons "are still alive and well around here I’m happy to say.
