Chiff & Fipple Ottawa Emergency Response Unit

Poststructural Pub
1

Tonight we had a technical problem on the forum. Maybe you were here during the few minutes it lasted. Weird, Crystal-People style text warnings in boldface across every page. The problem was repaired in matter of minutes. It caused me to recall that many of you are blissfully unaware of all the machinations behind the scenes here on ChiffBoard. The editorial offices are located in Birmingham, Alabama. Our publicists, make-up people, and hairstylists are in L.A. The actual board programs and databases are housed in encrypted servers in an underground secure facility in Ottawa. Here’s a little description of the system that swings into action whenever there is a technical problem or security breech or a really annoying piper to deal with on the forums.

Any number of people may first note the problem. Several of the senior board members are specially trained to alert us here in Birmingham if there is a problem. They are not allowed to say who they are and you would never be able to tell from talking to them. Or from torturing them. And trust me, some of these people have been tortured on the board.


I usually receive an encrypted email or phone call from these stringers whenever there’s a problem. (I prefer the phone call, because the encrypted voice always sounds like Donald Duck, which makes me laugh.) I alert the Ottawa Emergency Reponse Unit by activating one of these devices:

These are located in everyroom in my house, and throughout the editorial offices, except the sauna and steam rooms. (Rich Lafferty is developing heat- and moisture-resistant Emergency Reponse Unit activator boxes). Interns are required to carry miniature versions on chains around their necks. Fortunately, these are already heat- and moisture-resistant. The buttons, I mean, not the interns.

These units alert Rich Lafferty in Ottawa, by simultaneously dialing his cell phone, sending his beeper a page, putting a text crawl across his TV set and causing his electric toothpaste to play a tune.

(Rich insisted on the latter).

Chiff & Fipple Ottawa Emergency Response Team Leader Rich Lafferty (disguised)

Using similar communications devices and protocols, Rich then assembles the full team.

Now, for obvious reasons, I can’t show external photos of the facility that houses the C&F servers. But, I can show this single security-cam photo of the interior.

That’s Rich, I think, going through his Post-Intervention Checklist. Last year, I had a little problem with Rich and his team not completing the Post-Intervention Checklist. I had to call him up and have a little chat with him about it. Since then, I’ve noticed there’s been no problem with the freakin’ Post-Intervention Checklists.

Anyway, that’s really all I can show you. Rich did, however, send me this photo of him and the team celebrating at the Post-Intervention Decompression/Decontamination Party.

I was not invited, but I don’t take it that personally. Somebody has to be the boss. I don’t have to be liked. I don’t even have to be respected. But, tomorrow, via FedEx, you can bet I’ll have a stack of Post-Intervention Checklists on my desk. How many of YOU can say the same thing?

Later,

Dale

2

This whole system will need revamping once we invade Canada.

3

John!! Shut up!! This is a non-secured website!!

4

Well, the cat’s out of the bag now. My sister, who lives in Thunder Bay, Ontario, has informed me that the ‘Natives’ are growing restless, and it would seem that there has been province wide stockpiling of arms, ammunition and Black Label brewski’s. Also, according to my sister, there isn’t a lb. of Back bacon to be found anywhere… I’d say this, beyond any other sign, suggests that the people of Canada are preparing for a US offensive strike… like we NEED another war on our hands! :roll:

5

I’m glad I’m not part of the ‘inner circle’ as it makes my neck sore from constantly looking over my shoulder… ir is that shoulders?

6

Is it possible for a person to have only one shoulder?

7

I’m wondering what I can do to improve my chances of getting a surreptitious invite to that clandestine C&F ceremony where all the guys wear black and all the girls wear white…

8

You have to be on the good side of one of the Senior Board Members. cough (Cash only. No checks or credit cards.)

Susan

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(An aside to Dale: Do you giggle when you write this stuff? I have a mental picture of you at Headquarters typing and falling off your Executive Leather chair laughing. At any rate, thanks for the laughs. I’ve had a perfectly dreadful couple of months [knee replacement with complications that are still, um, complicated…daughter who thought her marriage was in good working order being served with divorce papers and all the ensuing trauma–one part of which is that her Damn Beagle is living here again–and on and on…]. It was nice to sit down, bring up C&F, and laugh right out loud. Thanks, Dale.)

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It’s not suppost to be funny, Susan! What are you on?!?!? :roll:

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Beagle. (noun) Bee’-gl.

  1. A nose with feet
  2. Annoying voiced canine, typically housed in outdoor cages in the neighbor’s yard.
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Last fellow on the right: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

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Hey! I didn’t know palm trees grew in Ottawa. Mysterious thing, that Canadian climate.

14

I’m sorry Susan…no wonder you’re wanting to stuff people into lockers.
But I’m afraid you’ve given away a bit too much info. Anyone with a couple of neurons to rub together is likely to surmise that your position is in the “enforcement” branch of C&F security.

15

Daughter’s Damn Beagle:

  1. A large nose with huge feet (about 10 pounds and 3-4" larger than the biggest Beagle you’ve ever seen).
  2. Annoying voiced canine housed indoor at my house and still complained about by the neighbors x 2. (He now occasionally wears a shock collar.)
  3. Tri-colored garbage disposal who will eat anything made of plastic, metal, or fabric. To date he has destroyed and/or partially/entirely eaten three area rugs, mini-blinds on five windows, 3-4 sofa pillows, an infinite number and variety of dog toys, four pairs of shoes, multiple articles of clothing (which he will eat in their entirety if he can–he pooped out some red underwear just last week)…you name it, he’ll eat it.
  4. Last-in-class at obedience school (x 2).

sigh

Susan

(Oh, for those concerned, this dog is NOT bored. He’s walked multiple times each day and taken almost daily to the local large dog park. He has another dog and a cat in the home, so he’s not without buddies, and he has balls [until he eats them] thrown for him down a long hall for hours [well, it seems like hours] every day.)

16

Actually the background picture in the group picture, is in the rec room of the Canadian government bunker at Carp, just outside of Ottawa but far enough to confuse the Russian missiles. Or was the Canadian government’s cold war bunker at the time. The Canadian government now hides out in Shawinigan at the palace of Jean Chretian, aka Le Duc de Shawinigan, that tax payers paid for while he was prime minister.

17

I was thinking the same thing…perhaps it has to do with Dale’s sauna and a super scheme to take over the world.

18

You all can make jokes if you want but I once ran a random word generator to concatonate onto the end of http://www.chiffandfipple.com/<insert word here> to see if I could get to the source of all this “crystal people” jazz. Within minutes a black helicopter appeared, hovering over my house. My internet connection AND my phone went dead, my dalmation started doing cartwheels and I found a broken whistle nailed to my door.


Don’t mess around with things you shouldn’t.

This post will probably be deleted. I’m still in hiding and using a special program I wrote to insert false IP addresses and network card ID numbers.

I better go. I hear rotor blades.