I play mostly in the company of men, it can be difficult to handle situations like these, they see things in a simpler light, ie turf him out and that is the end of it!
Really?..do we? well I’m off the forum then!!
Sorry to say Sylvester, but in my circle YES!!!
I’m afraid that circle is hugely spred all over the world. I own up.
That primitive simplicity is maybe part of our charm 
I thought that myself Sylvester, but I didnt want to be the person who had to point it out to you!!!
Cant live with men, cant live without them…
Many years ago, I was at a show where a female comic went into a hilarious extended rant about her boyfriend, and then took a deep breath and said …
“… Men. Can’t live with 'em.”
It took the audience about two beats to absorb the twist, but then everyone absolutely fell apart.
Argh, I wish it were that simple to me. I might lack confidence about telling people the right way, but to me it’s more philosophical. Who are we to tell anyone what to do?
Last november I spent a few weeks in Ireland and was at the Ennis festival. I recognized a guitar player friend from France and was very happy to be able to play tunes, so we sat down in the hostel kitchen and I started playing a few tunes and he was backing on his guitar. After a few minutes, a lady from Australia methink sat down and asked if she could join. We said “of course, no problem”. But then I realized quickly that she was playing tunes she didnt know, trying to learn on the fly, and it didnt really help the music.
I had an internal fight, I was like “Do I tell her?”. I was pushing myself to tell her because this trip had been very expensive, and I had the chance to sit with my friend and didnt want to have the whole thing spoiled. So I told her. But I felt guilty right after. I asked her to play tunes, and listened to her. She was mostly playing tunes individually, not in sets, and as a joke I said “Hey, you should play them in sets!”. She answered “That’s according to your rules, not mine!”.
So I was the guy who was narrow minded and was trying to bend her to my rules. This is certainly not the way I wanted to appear and, in retrospec, maybe I shouldnt have said anything. Even my friend made a comment similar to “Bah, this is an public place, you can’t expect people to act a specific way”.
Bottom line, it’s good to tell people what to do when you’re confident about it and won’t feel guilty afterward, because it’s no use if it’s going to make you feel bad for days 
Also, finding the right way to tell people is an art, that only a few of us have, and I don’t 
I don’t think you should have felt guilty because you didn’t do anything wrong. She was the one who came up and asked if she could join in. Also the concept of playing sets is a fairly standard one, is it not, so it wasn’t that you were jerking her with rules you just made up. Sometimes I think you have to fight fire with fire and tell people ‘no way man!’ when they are out of line. It would have been different i think if you were the one who had walked up to her and her friend and asked to play.
Playing in sets is only standard in certain areas, and the sets differ even in those that do it. She wasn’t out of line, she just didn’t know the same tunes. Horrors! 
She didn’t ask to take over… she just asked to join. It makes more sense when someone you don’t know joins in, that you take a few minutes to get acquainted.. how and what they play and see what adjustments may be needed, rather than assume that they are going to play just like you do and the same tunes… ever noticed just how many tunes are out there, even in just one genre? Thousands upon thousands… and then there’s ‘style’ of play and all that entails, and adding level of expertise in on top of that, and regional musical dialects… sheesh…
Instead of assuming folks should totally match before playing with them, consider that you don’t (no matter who you are) know all there is to know, even about what you do know… relax and share. It’s fun when it works, and a whole lot easier to get out of civily when it doesn’t. You’ll waste far less time, maybe make a friend, and never have to second guess if you did the right thing.
Hey! Az! I think you’re getting it though!
I don’t know though, in re-reading Azalin’s post first the lady is not even familiar with the tunes and then being a smart arse about ‘your rules not mine’ That’s where I took sides: she came into their group and asked to join in… I think you have the right idea though about getting along, chatting and all, not being sarcastic, i really admire that and you made me think about my own attitude but i’d tend to probably stick to my position.
Position is one thing, and we all have ours… no argument.
How we put forth that position makes a big diff though.
Personally, I might ask to join, though I think I would probably just ask to listen unless it came to tunes I did know, or I was asked to join and share my own. I might have tried to find the tune on the fly, as was said, but if I couldn’t, I’d have appologized for interefering, or asked for a short lesson on the tune/tunes. I would just be wanting to share some music, certainly not be wanting to butt into the fun of friends, … so that is the assumption I would make about another person in the similar position.
Likewise, I would not be offended by someone wanting to join us, but I would not have let it be a bully in and take over thing easily either… I would stand my ground after a line was crossed… we just differ on where that line is.
Hehe, you see, two different ways of thinking here. It’s not easy.
My personnal philosphy is simple. When you want to “join” in, first listen, get a sens of what the environment is and try to fit in. They are a bunch of people trying to play reels at 300mph? Don’t come in with your slow jigs, it’s rude, it’s changing the whole spirit. Same thing the other around.
If you listen for a while you might notice that they are mostly playing polkas and slided? Maybe a bunch of people from Kerry happy to play a few local tunes? Don’t come in and drop in zillions of reels.
They play verrrry slow and it’s a beginner’s session? Don’t go out there and show off.
You see, this is the way I see it. Analyse your surrounding, try to blend in. I have to admit it would have been hard for the australian girl to blend in because there was only two people playing, but still, asking to play after listening for 2 minutes and not really knowing what’s going on is a bold move to me, and doesnt earn my respect (and who cares about it anyway lol).
Az the snoby sucky beginner concertina player who forgot how to play whistle correctly
I totally agree Az, it would have been politer for her to have listened for a while to learn if she was actually capable of joining in. Her mere presence already altered the group dynamic.
The guy I remember best from WC 2003 was the old fiddler who would wander round the sessions with his case close, and just sit on the edge of the ring of players and listen. Only if things were flagging would he get his fiddle out and start a set. He gave himself time to judge the session on its merits, and if it would benefit from his playing. Of course, he did have the luxury of having hundreds of sessions to choose from.