Speaking of which. Here’s a selection of my own contributions to the legendary SPAM haiku archive. This was sometime in the early 90s, I guess?
Patient found, naked,
Babbling, eating SPAM with hands:
Instant commitment.
Psychotherapy.
Unless, of course, SPAM’s involved:
then do shock treatments.
For eaters of SPAM
Is analysis worthwhile?
I think perhaps not.
He tells his kind shrink,
“I admit I like my SPAM.”
His therapy ends.
Art therapy for
the young, regressed psychotic:
fingerpaint with SPAM.
In-patient unit
Recovering SPAM eaters
No one will work there
A Twelve Step program:
SPAMholics Anonymous.
One more SPAMless day.
Doctor tells his peer,
“I sometimes eat yummy SPAM.”
Loses his license.
There’s a new branch of
SPAMholics Anonymous
for SPAMku addicts.
Years of therapy–
Repressed memory returns:
Mom made me eat SPAM.
Can’t hate her for it.
Turns out she was SPAM-abused
by HER own mother.
For good of my kids:
I’m in SPAM recovery.
Must break these chains now.
A new SPAM Sweepstakes!
Ten million bucks to winner!
Fair price to eat SPAM!
I have eaten SPAM
and yet I live and I breathe.
A Dead Man Walking!
Mix some SPAM and TREET
A doubly revolting mess
Name it TRAM or SPEET
So many SPAMku:
Unconscious plagiarism
Becomes a real risk.
Haven’t done taxes
“SPAMku,” I tell IRS
Federal prison
Denial of Death.
Major spiritual problem.
Solved by sight of SPAM.
Much is made here of
the odd pink hue of raw SPAM.
But what of cooked SPAM?
The eerie pink glow
of SPAM from the can gives way
when fried in a pan.
Or rather, the pink
collapses upon itself–
Crusty Burgundy!
SPAM in wilderness:
No natural enemy,
Animals are scared.
He has, uh, congress
with this girl involving SPAM.
You don’t want to know.
All faiths hold to this
theological maxim:
No SPAM in Heaven
If one refers to
SPAM and Hell in same sentence,
One is redundant
Gods–The Hindus list
330 million.
But still SPAM exists.
.
I’ve gone months without
reading and writing Spamku.
Proved that I could quit
After months away
from Spamku, I’ve returned–but
I could quit again.
All those meetings of
SPAMholics Anonymous
helped me find my way.
I’ve learned so much from
months of SPAM sobriety–
feel good about self
Should call my “sponsor,”
I guess, since I’ve been tempted.
But what does HE know?
(Cho was the moderator of the SPAM haiku site):
Cho is gone again.
SPAMku accumulate like
SPAM in the colon.
Hormel sues Cho for
“damaging reputation.”
Judge dismisses case.
Grandchildren ask me,
What did you do when young, Gramps?
“Wrote poems about SPAM!”
On my bed of death,
reviewing worth of my life…
Wrote many SPAMku!
