Demise of the
Office Christmas Party
December 1 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the
banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No host bar,
but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing
traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t Be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
December 2 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
important holiday which often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy
applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this
time.
Happy now?
December 3 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a nondrinking table … you didn’t
sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but
if I put a sign on a table that reads “AA Only” you
wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody?
December 7 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December
2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes
the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party the days
are so short this time of year or else package
everything for takehome in little foil swans. Will that
work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Did I miss anything?
December 8 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you
expect me to do, a tapdance on your heads? Fire
regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our
“earthbased Goddessworshipping” employees, but we’ll try
to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band’s breaks. Okay???
December 9 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having
our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of
“Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil
connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?
December 10 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re
going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue
whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so
quaintly put it, and you’ll get your freaking salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have
feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve
heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now!
December 14 Memo
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a
speedy recovery from her stress related illness and I’ll
continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
Life is far to complicated these days!
MarkB
), which works out well because the 11th is our anniversary.
