advice for a new college freshperson

Poststructural Pub
1

Daughter #3 (child 3 of 4) is 9 days into her first semester, freshman year, at a lovely little college on the St. Mary’s river, an hour and three/quarters drive from home.

She has advantages that her sisters managed without–namely, both sisters (with whom she is fairly close) are nearby for an occasional meal or ear. One is an enrolled Junior, and the other a recent grad now working for the college admin, and living close to campus.

Still, every kid comes equipped with his/her personal challenges…and whereas daughter #2 was ready to leave home without a backward glance at age 3.5, the youngest girl–though extremely sociable within the context of her familiar home posse of friends–is struggling with the emotional hurdles of dealing with newness, new people with whom she can’t instantly click, and a lack of the comforting, familiar recharging stations of home.

As a consequence, much of my week has been spent answering anxious text-messages, fielding phone and Skype calls, and writing illuminative, allegorical emails as a means of encouragement and reassurance.

Still, though she’s a lovely, fun, sociable kid, she’s hitting the “everybody parties and I don’t want to” sandtrap, and feeling the general angst of not liking this new life.

So, perhaps I will send along the collective tips and wisdom of the Chiff. What could be better than Mom’s dorky message board?

How did you manage? When did you start to feel comfortable? What advice can you offer an unhappy 18 year old who has to face the dragon of growing up and wrassle it, whether she wants to or not?

2

Everybody partied and I didn’t want to either. I tried to join in the general social scene of my dorm a few times but soon found that I preferred doing my own thing. Eventually that developed into finding a few friends who did a similar thing, and their friends became my friends too, and slowly the circle grew.

Encourage her to join a few clubs on campus (first term first year is the best time for it too, as everyone else is also new and you’ll have the most time available compared to future years), things that she may not have had a chance to explore before. An anime club might be a good one if it’s an option, as people there are often not quite part of the mainstream party crowd.

I was fairly uncomfortable for my first term. At Christmas I both changed majors and got my own room (my roommate moved out and no one moved in), which were both great changes for me. In March I started meeting my new circle of friends. By the next fall I was reasonably secure on my feet, and by the following summer I was flying.

It takes a little time to settle in, but it’s well worth the journey.

3

I second the idea to join some clubs. There are so many. Many campuses even have a club that puts on alcohol-free alternative parties. Also, there are probably lots of volunteer opportunities. Intramural sports is another thing to explore.

4

Yes…she is joining the low-key cross-country running club, and the rock-climbing club. They have an excellent indoor climbing wall in the rec center, and she’s good at that.

Her biggest challenge is the zen art of learning to be ok with the state of being on your own-ness, while you wait for your more comfortable network to begin to crystallize around you. Crystals form slowly sometimes. One must be able to wait and not stress out.

5

I would tell her to ask her Mom to mail repeatedly all kinds of baked goods to her. There is nothing like homemade cookies to make everyone stop by a dorm room. Nothing brings young woman together like chocolate.

6

To put it into just a few words, this is a time for her to make a perhaps tough choice, to get serious about studies, or not, whatever the subject(s) could be.

To be a social animal is a real seduction, but the basic premise of attending higher education is just that, education.

In essence, those students who attend to their studies, especially at the undergraduate level, tend to go farther than any of the party animals.

So, that’s the message I could suggest. It may be tough love, but it’s really the best advice I could give.

Well, you did ask.

:slight_smile:

7

Yes indeed…and that has certainly been a theme in my streaming advisory–regardless of how the other aspects of college life go–you’re going to want that degree.

8

-She’ll make her way by dint of native wit and good character and there’s not much you can do to replace that process. A welcoming refuge for talk, non-college meals and diversion will give her a base of confidence & comfort from which she can grapple with the world and put it on its ear. Its important in student years to be able to expend one’s energies entirely, confidence of recovery permitting a whole-hog pursuit of goals, flopping down exhausted knowing exhaustion is OK for the moment.

9

Based on personal and professional experience, somehow. sometime, somewhere she will become a sophomore.

As we all have.

Sandy

10

I remember loving being relieved of the burden of high school, and that it was like starting over–being able to reinvent myself. I think everyone should have that chance, and for her, if she can just hang onto herself for a little while, stuff will find her. There are many like her, waiting, hanging onto themselves, and they’ll meet. Tell her to go to places she’d expect to find someone like her. It’ll be good.

11

Feelings are not facts. Just because she feels a certain way, it may or may not be true.

She can be average. Most folks are in a similar spot.

To know is not to know. She may think others are having a good time and making friends easily, when this may not be anywhere close to true. More likely, the above is true, that most students are in the same boat, including the party kids.

To compare is to despair. Comparisons, especially those based on a romanticized view of what others may be experiencing can make anyone feel bad. Stop the comparisons. Instead have the realistic thought that most other folks are also struggling to find their way in a new environment. Comparisons to her high school experience can also be damaging. Again, stop the comparisons and think about other things.

Bear the discomfort and comfort will come. This is a temporary situation, and it will likely get better.

Don’t take yourself so seriously. These are trivial matters. While it may be distressing, there is no danger, though the mind is attaching danger to the situation. A person can do their average best and be an average person.

Expectations and disappointments. She may have expected to make many more friends quickly and was disappointed.

Outer approval is a want, inner approval is a need. This is the big one for youngsters who more than any other group often seek peer approval instead of doing what they know to be best for themselves.

12

Emmline,

You might read this little article that reviews Richard Light’s thoughts/research on the topic: http://collegenine.ucsc.edu/harvard.shtml If you like it you can buy his book http://www.amazon.com/Making-Most-College-Students-Speak/dp/0674004787

It’s really good stuff and dead on. (It may not answer all the personal questions, but, as a parent, you might use this to help guide your student academically.)

Best wishes.

13

The “Clubs” advice is good, or, I mean, I’d agree with it, and the “cookies” advice too.

But I quote you the advice of the Commander of the Yamato Gun on Starcraft (remember that one?):

“Take it nice and slow.”

Don’t jump into anything. You are going to be around these people for the next three years. Embarassment will last that long (at least).

14

I teach freshmen a lot, and I have a new one of my own just off to college. That link that khl provided is good stuff. Learning to balance the experiential and the academic in college without shorting either is the real lesson, and not an easy one.

PM sent with a few more specifics.

15

I’m in the same boat as your daughter with the exception of having a roommate I have been friends with all through highschool, which helps alot. Anyway, what I’ve done so far is try to work my way into the music, and especially the trad music scene here in my new town. Some of my best times were spent in sessions back home, so its not going to be any different here is the reasoning. Such advice may or may not apply to your daughter, so in a broader sense - march to the beat of your own drum, and eventually you’ll march into another drummer.

16

emmline…
Make a poster of BillChin’s words, and send it to your daughter. Great stuff! Succinct.

Or…natch…just transfer them electronically.

17

I have, along with the rest. The Chiff knows all, as I’ve often pointed out to my kids.

18

Well, all my sage advice has already been said, much better than I would have said it. :swear:

One thing I would add: Congratulate this brave young lady for choosing to avoid the party scene. Seems to me that using booze to make friends is a bit like using a credit card to buy stuff: It’s fast and easy and it works, but none of it is really yours and you’ll end up paying for it sooner or later.

Better to tough it out and make real friends the hard way. My compliments. It will be worth it in the long run. I promise. :slight_smile:

Tom

19

Any news to report?

20

She’s doing much better, thanks, and is quite busy.

I think she just had a more outwardly traumatic than average period of adjustment in this milestone to adulthood. (And I am the sponge for mopping up the stress overflow.)