Many of us have experienced the joys and frustrations of trying to decipher packaging and instructions clearly not written by people who were speaking their first language.
With the holiday season, it is good to become informed, rather than just being blind consumers. In that spirit, I was contemplating the meaning of a few common phrases you’ll find on consumer packaging or advertising designed by Americans.
These translations may not be precise.
Sweetened With Aspartame- Flavored with orange baby aspirin.
Buy One Get One Free- Our prices are so over-inflated that we will still make a profit by selling two for the price of one.
Lovingly Handcrafted- Special high grade of product made by workers who earn better than minimum wage… in some remote region.
Six-Hour Videocassette- Product formerly known as Two-Hour Videocassette, AKA 120 Minute Videocassette.
With Retsyn- Contains chlorophyll and alcohol.
Hawaiian Kettle Cooked- Cooked for a longer time at a lower heat. This was the normal way of frying potato chips, in general, many years ago.
French’s Taste Toppers- The product formerly known as Durkee French Fried Onions.
We’re not Saying It Will Go Up In Value, But Previous Items Have- Beware of buying plates from companies calling themselves mints.
Sweetened With Saccharin- Flavored with Robitussin.
Walden . . . I would dearly love to add to your little list of label language. However, I currently cannot think strait. I am operating this pc under the influence of 80 proof Nyquil. WOW . . . Is this stuff great or what??? I’m having my own little party. Sorry, but I must go now . . . a pink elephant just tried to sneak past me and I need to find the bag of peanuts before he does. It’s hard lying on the floor and typing like this . . . It’s even harder getting up, I see . . .
I’m back. This time it’s me talking and not the Nyquil. Let’s see . . . I was going to list the ingredients from the back of the bottle but someone seems to have hidden it from me. Gee, one little hallucination and now I’m expected to go cold turkey. Brrrrr! It’s going to be a long, cold night . . .
I think the secret to Nyquil’s relief isn’t that it makes you feel better – after a few shots of the stuff, you really don’t care how you feel.
That applies to my Dad’s home-made cough remedy, too – and he got the recipe from a pediatrician. 1/3 whiskey, 1/3 honey & 1/3 lemon juice … yuch! But it does work.
Back On Topic, my favorite:
Lifetime Guarantee - will last until it breaks; we guarantee it!
This was the standard cough remedy among the old-timers in Oklahoma. Being teetotalers, we substituted vinegar for the whiskey.
When we moved to Mindanao, we quickly learned that the local remedy of daubing the juice of the gherkin fruit on your tongue was also quite effective for throat problems. It’s also a fantastic stain-remover.
