A minister’s young son was burying a dead bird that was found in the yard. At the side of the small hole that had been dug, the child conducted the short ceremony: “In the name of the Father, the Son, and in the hole he goes.”
=> This](http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=Fu9ibUWIq8A%22%3EThis) one makes me laugh.
The Afterlife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was none.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, ‘Mary. Mary.’
'Is that you, Fred? ’
‘Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.’
‘What’s it like?’
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast and go off to the golf course. I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, golf course again, then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts all over again.’
‘Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven.’
'Not exactly. I’m a rabbit in Somerset."
djm
A true one: When my daughter was about five we lived in San Diego and were very active in a local Mormon ward. One day in a mall I saw a woman we didn’t know very well, but who attended our ward. I pointed her out to Becky and said, “That lady’s in our ward.” She looked for a moment and then said, “I didn’t know she was a Mormon lady. She doesn’t look like a Mormon lady.” Wondering what she meant, I asked, “What does a Mormon lady look like?” She thought a moment and then said, “Well, they smile a lot on Sunday but they yell a lot the other days.”
I always hoped she was talking about her LDS babysitter. I have no idea if it comes across to non-LDS folks, but it brought roars of laughter when I had the occasion to relate it in church once or twice. I suppose it could be told of anyone, really, as we’re all hypocrites to some degree or another.
Susan
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ’ Happy birthday.’ I thought…well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… they will remember…
My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good morning, boss, and by the way happy birthday! ’ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?’ I said, ‘Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day…we don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?’ I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’ She said, ‘Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.’
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ‘Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’ ‘OK,’ I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday.’
And I just sat there…
on the couch…
naked…
We must be on the same distribution list. I was just about to post the exact same joke.
djm
That’s ok.
I liked it anyway!
The rabbit joke reminded me of another fav of mine…
Two old men were avid baseball fans. They followed all the games and even played on a senior citizen’s ball team. They made a pact that whoever died would try to come back and tell his buddy about the afterlife.
Old Joe dies first and after a week or so, his friend is awakened by a voice calling “Bob, Bob…”
“Is that you Joe?”
“Yes, and I have good news and bad news about the afterlife. The good news is that ALL of the old baseball players are here and we play together every day. Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, Willie Mays, you name him and he’s here!”
Bob asks “So what’s the bad news?”
Ed replies “You’re pitching tomorrow”.
the new priest to the parish was put straight to work , hadn’t met any of the parishioners , knew nobody , especially not the man who’s funeral service he was conducting .
he introduced himself to the congregation , and invited anyone who would be willing , to say something nice about the deceased man .
no takers .
he made a couple of encouraging remarks to them , telling them how we should all remember that there is always something good , however insignificant , to be said about our neighbour etc . etc.
at last , a voice from the very back of the church was heard
"His brother was worse "