Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I spoke to a Buddhist about the pain of dental work and not wanting to be medicated. His cure: transcend dental medication
Another buddhist was ordering a hot dog. He said “Make me one with everything.”
It’s well known that airplanes have small batherooms. What isn’t well known it that sometimes the collected wastes are jettisoned in mid-flight, and the befouled blue liquid freezes, collecting in large chunks of ice on the wings. Theses chunks of ice sometimes are knocked off of the wings. This has led to a few rare cases of large chunks of blue ice and feces falling into populated areas, thus proving that even in times of peace, it’s possible to be targeted by an I.C.B.M.
A piece of rope walks into a bar, and the 'tender says, pointing to a sign, “Hey buddy, can’t you read? No ropes allowed!” The rope walks outside, ties himself up, frizzes his hair and walks back into the bar. The bartender exclaims, “Arent you the rope that I just kiced out?” The rope replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot!”
There was a peasent who stole the King’s golden throne and hid the throne in the attic of his grass house.
For days and knights the King’s men hunted for the golden throne yet they could not find it.
But, true to the cliche, crime doesn’t pay. One night the weighty gold throne broke through the frail boughs that held the ceiling and crushed the thief in his sleep.
The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
BTW, BillChin and SLH. Thanks for the great puns. I’ve printed them out.
Once, when visiting a birsd sanctuary on the shores of NJ, I dropped my keys while meandering down a wooded path. Thankfully, I discovered my loss quickly and backtracked to look for the keys. After a few minutes, I saw a silver glint about 20 yards up the path, but as I got closer a small, lack-hooded bird, a Common Tern, swooped down snatching my keys and taking them to a small group of similar birds squawking happily at its purloined treasure. Being a calm-minded individual, I picked up a handful of stones, hitting each one of the birds until I finally knocked my keys out of the beak of the feathery thief. I recovered my goods and happily continued along my way.
MORAL: While looking for lost items, it is important to leave no tern unstoned.
The other day I was in a boat fishing with a buddy. I reached across for another beer, when my wallet fell out of my pocket. He tried to grab it, but fumbled it overboard. We watched it sink, and I figured I’d never see it again, so I popped the beer and baited the hook so the day wouldn’t be a total loss. After a while, I saw something that blew my mind. This huge carp leaped out of the water with my wallet in his mouth. He flipped it about 20 feet or so and another huge carp leaped up and grabbed it in mid air. After a minute or so, the second carp leaped out and flipped it back to the first who made a perfect catch. Like I said, my mind was totally blown - I had never see carp to carp walleting before.
Being too lazy to type them out, I Googled for some of my favorites and found what seems to be [u]the ultimate collection of Feghoots[/u], with 1737 of the bling-blanged things.
