Signs

Poststructural Pub
1

Signs. . .

We see them everyday, in nearly every place
we go. Here are some we wanted to share
that just may lead to misunderstanding. . .
(and a laugh or two!)

In a restroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER…
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES…
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP
LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In another office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD
EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING -
BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG
AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A
DAY CARE ON THE 1st FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS
THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ,
THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW
TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR -
THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

2

Driving on a German motorway, this one puzzled me for a while,
though I reckoned there was danger if I did something too fast:

SCHNELLE AUSFAHRT
GEFÄHRLICHE AUSFAHRT!

Talking of house policies, a classic in the “gents” room of English pubs,
though I never attempted to light up a publican:

PLEASE DON’T THROW YOUR BUTTS IN THE LOO
IT MAKES THEM SOGGY AND HARD TO LIT THE MANAGER

Variation seen in a local French pub:
“ça donne un goût à la bière”

Ah… darleengue, nossing beetz our continentale élégance…

3

I was driving on I-95 in New Jersey a few years ago and saw this sign for the first time:

No Haz Mats

I had the darndest time figuring its meaning (I know now). All I could think was:

“No has mats. No haz carpets. Only drapes and rugs” :smiley:

4

I attended a presentation by a guy who used signs he’d actually taken from public places to demonstrate ways to communicate. The presence of signs instructing people NOT to do something usually indicates someone has done it. I found the most disturbing sign to be one taken from a public restroom in Arkansas. It read:

PLEASE DON’T EAT THE URINAL CAKES

Have a nice day.

5

SCHNELLE AUSFAHRT in your general direction…

6

Here’s more:
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER
On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS

7

What I’d like to know is why there are so many unicorn warning signs on East Australian roads.
:confused:

8

In a nearby town, there is a sign that says “PARK SLOW ZONE”. I still don’t know what happens if you park fast.

9

In Haiti, the pickup-truck/taxis called tap taps are usually decorated with bright colors and adorned with slogans across the top of the windshield, usually in French. Occasionally they are in English, presumably to attract business from American visitors. Sometimes one suspects that something got lost in the translation. My two farovites:

“Game Over”

“Apocalypse”

Don’t those both just make you want to jump in for a ride? :astonished:

Tom