‘I didn’t ask for an anus,’ I told my doctor during my recent physical, ‘but God gave me one anyway and it itches.’
He prescribed an ointment of clotrimazole and betamethasone cream, to be applied liberally both morning and night, especially after bathing.
As I got out of the shower this evening, in a hurry to get to an appointment, I failed to notice that a tube of toothpaste, the same size and color as the tube of betamethasone cream, was next to it on the counter.
I believe there is a journal article here, perhaps something for Nature or Scientific American. Toothpaste, liberally applied, doesn’t work hardly as well as betamethasone cream for the purpose my doctor prescribed the latter. Not even close. In fact, toothpaste, so deployed, can lead to one of the darker moments of one’s life.
Colgate was the brand–in case you’re wondering. So far there are no plans to see how Crest or other brands do, though heaven knows I may find out. Stay tuned.
Not only does it not work well, if it’s a fluoride toothpaste, you don’t want to put too much of it in those sensitive areas, because the fluoride can be absorbed, and it’s not good for your bones.
None of us likes an anus, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.
Better look carefully in future at products that instruct you to apply liberally once per annum. And as for paying per anum, it’s usually safer to continue paying through the nose.
(can ya believe that?)
