Good to see you, Will. 
This is certainly very true, hence⌠âhope springs eternal.â
When death is inevitable, some are able to accept the fact and work around it, but others fight to live till the last drawn breath is done.
I do think itâs important that the person has the right to know they are dying, but I think itâs equally important that they have the right to try to survive, even when all the odds are against them.
Chances are, whether your friend admits it or notâeven to herselfâshe knows she wonât survive this.
I think it speaks volumes for your friendship, and for you as a person, that you have put so much thought into how to best help her.
As others have pointed out, her dying and death are a process that youâll have to heal from as well. Donât forget to be good to yourself.
Blessings on you both,
âJames
A good friend of mine (K.) passed a few years ago from lung cancer. She did undergo treatments and suffered terribly from them but never stopped until the end. K. and her family were very strong in their faith and even when she had accepted the inevitability and proximity of her death, her family had not so she kept going for them. To give up would have meant denying the possibility of miracles and that God might have something other than an early death in mind for her. The denial in her family was so strong that hospice visits had to be scheduled when her mother was at work. I believe it was the hospice nurse who convinced her to make sure her legal affairs were in order before the tumors that had developed on her spine paralyzed her. We (her friends) had decided that unless she brought it up, we werenât going push the issue of dying because it might alienate us when she most needed us for support and at times a buffer from her family when she wanted to rest. Would I have done things differently if it were me that had received the bad news? Probably, but Iâd still want friends that I knew I could count on to support my decision, whatever it wasâŚ
The worst thing is to have someone close pretend nothing is wrong and all is fine. Face up to the facts with them. Donât trivialize the whole thing. Fine to have hope and it is good, but donât treat them as if nothing is going on.
know this all too well myself. be there when she needs to talk and let her talk without belittling her. i canât stress that enough. there is nothing lonlier than having those closest to you treat you like there is nothing wrong and saying they donât want to hear about it. treating her like that just means she is going to die alone â regardless of who is nearby. going through this is something she has to do on her own. dieing is not something someone can do for us. just donât make her feel more alone by not letting her talk about it with those she loves. wish i could make better sense about what iâm trying to say. whish you all well.
You made perfect sense, Will. And your perspecitve is absolutely inarguably valid. So glad to see you!!
-The approaching death of a favorite uncle showed me its important to not permit the approach of death to become the centrality of our relationship with a dying person. That can happen easily but denies the dying and families and friends the pleasures of full, vital relationships if it does.
-Well-meaning delivery of harsh truths can ruin a personâs poise, equanimity and composure-among the last personal riches theyâll enjoy. Not to say it shouldnât be done sometimes-but that it should be weighed carefully first.
Granted it should not become the center of the relationship, but ignoring or denying itâs reality isnât being much of a frined, IMHO. I think it would be perfectly alright to ask the person how they want you to deal with it. Some people donât want to burden their friends with their troubles, but are much relieved when a true friend acknowledges what they are going through.
Iâm glad WE are talking about this; I visited one of my high school buddies (35 ish years ago) who is in the same spot; in hospice- I appreciate the talk. thanks
I donât think anyoneâs suggesting that the fact should be ignoredâŚonly that itâs not his place, as her friend, to make her face up to it. Heâs not in denialâŚhe knows exactly whatâs going onâŚbut SHE isnât at the point where she wants or needs to hear it from her friends (sheâs undoubtedly already had the bad news from her doctor).
Redwolf
Yes, avoidance is a choice, and arguably a valid one, but it is not a constructive one. To avoid admitting that our time is near is to leave everything up to others⌠an unfair burden, actually, especially given that they are left not only with the loss, but to clean up after us⌠in all ways. If I am unable or unwilling to face it, I would hope that I would have freinds who are willing and courageous enough to help me do so.
I suppose I have a different perspective, as Iâve had the honor of being at hand for the passing, and the time before, for several people. I know that the pain is very much eased when those who are left behind feel that they have had some hand in helping make that passing easier, more joyful and less filled with regret. The inevitability of death is hard enough for most people to accept, let alone embrace, and the untimely loss is even harder. That being known, it makes so much more sense to take death by the hand and do all that we can to prepare, and then make sure to not only enjoy the daylights out of what time we have left, but to share as much of it with those we love as we can. I know that not do so is to leave behind so much more pain and regret and depth of loss.
For perspective, think what you would wish for if you suddenly were stripped of the presence of someone you love dearly⌠just another moment to look into their eyes ⌠just one more day to tell tales, sing songs, share a tune⌠just another chance to say âI love you.â⌠just the opportunity to say, âGoodbye, my dear.â⌠when you know that someone you love is on the shortened path, you donât want to let them go, but you cannot stop the inevitable⌠so pretense is not just futile, but it robs both the leaver and the left of the vital opportunity to share part of the journey together.
And⌠think what you would want, genuinely want, if you were the one facing your own death⌠people to ignore what is happening, or people who would love you enough to stand by you through it.
In my experience, Iâve found that a simple âDo you want to talk about things?â is often useful. If they do, they do, if they donât they donât â but they know youâre there either way â the door is open â and that can be a real comfort, I think.
Especially if theyâre afraid but donât want to upset anyone with their fear. I mean, itâs bad enough to have to spend a goodly portion of your life avoiding authenticity, let alone having to go into death the same way.
Hi!
I donât really know what to say, Iâm quite overwhelmed by the response to this thread, both in PMs, e-mails or the replies here on the board.
THANK YOU ALL for contributing with such competent and discerning replies on a very difficult and personal topic such as this. I whish I had time to write each and everyone a personal reply but I donât, at least not right now. I want you all to know that I read every reply more than once and I canât say how much I appreciated your sincere and open-hearted thoughts.
Thank you for sharing them with me and others!
I need to say that Iâm once again amazed by the combined wisdom, discerning thoughts and the will to share with others from the contributors of this board. At times like this, the C&F forum is far beyond the purposes that once formed this board around whistles and ITM. And in spite of all world tragedies I feel that there is still hope for mankind.
I also whish this thread could be found by others in the same situation as me. It made a significant impact and truly helped me to broaden my horizons of this difficult matter. I realize that there are other perspectives than my own and I now feel more confident of how I shall act to support my friend and still feel true to both her and myself.
All the best to all of you!
/MarcusR
Everything you said is very well-said, as always, Annie.
I donât imagine that what Iâm going to say will make any real difference to anyone, but Iâm going to say it anyway â Iâm getting to be more like that as time goes on. This is one of those things that if a student put it into a story or a script I would strongly advise them to reconsider it.
When I first got sick almost ten years ago I didnât know what was going on, but based upon the symptoms, I knew that the prognosis wasnât going to be good. At work, my office was right next to a lady that was two years younger than me. I wonât say that she was preoccupied with death, but she did seem to have what I characterized as an unnatural interest in âuntimelyâ deaths. She had wanted to be a Chicago police officer before I met her, but didnât make the cut. Iâm not sure why she was turned down because she appeared to be in perfect physical shape, was an avid long distance runner and lived on âbunny food.â She was fascinated by the idea that normally healthy people in that job or in combat could be alive one second and stone dead the next, without some transition like an illness preparing them for what was to come.
She was the only person at work that I confided in, as I was worried about losing my job because I was too ill to do the duties that were required. She discreetly helped me out by glancing over my work to keep things looking at least âadequate.â Two weeks later she developed severe bronchitus and could no longer walk down the hall without wheezing quite labouriously and without her chest burning. That was on a Tuesday morning. Wednesday afternoon she went home early. Thursday morning my boss told me when I walked into my office that her husband had just called and found her dead in their bathroom. Instead of bronchitus, it turned out she had (canât think of the medical term for when a blood clot has moved into your lung). The words almost knocked me over. This was one of the most health-conscious individuals I knew. But I was the one who was sick. 
There are a lot of different angles and morals you can pull out of this story depending upon what perspective you take. One that I hope you take from it is that just because you and your loved ones may be healthy right now, donât bet your tomorrows on what you have today.
Will OâB
I believe thatâs called pulmonary thrombosis.
Redwolf
Now that you mention it, I believe you are correct. Thanks.
Will O
actually the term that is used is
pulmonary embolism (or embolism of the lung)
but thombosis of the lung actually means the same.