Did you hear about the bigot who hates all things English? He makes a good living in the Concreting business, because almost everything in the City depends on this industry. It’s just a pity that reinforced concrete was invented by W.B. Wilkinson in Newcastle, England.
Our bigot’s home uses electric power generated by steam turbines, which were invented by Sir Charles Parsons. Many of his home appliances use electric motors, which were invented by Londoner Michael Faraday. These range from vacuum cleaners, the invention of Englishman Hubert Booth, to sewing machines, invented by Englishman Charles Weisenhall back in 1755.
However, not all of his appliances run on electric motors. There’s his Microwave Oven, based on the Magnetron invented by Sir John Randall and Dr H A H Boot at Birmingham University. His modern Central Heating unit, designed by Englishman A H Barker, and even his TV set, the brainchild of Englishman Shelford Bidwell. Even the television’s production depended on the invention of the cathode-ray tube by London physicist Sir William Crookes.
All of these things reminded our bigot too much of England, so he turned on his radio for news from another country more to his liking. It didn’t help much though, because he remembered that satellite radio transmitters are powered by fuel cells invented by the English chemist Francis T Bacon.
He thought of expressing his frustration by writing an angry letter. But it wouldn’t go anywhere without the postal system, created in London by Sir Rowland Hill. That is, unless he chose to send his letter by e-mail on a computer - the brainchild of Englishman Sir Charles Babbage.
Our bigot then briefly considered getting away from it all - flying off to some remote place with nothing to remind him of English genius. But then he recalled that modern jet aircraft engines were designed by English test pilot Sir Frank Whittle.
He then decided to do some home chores, so he thought about washing the dishes - but his kitchen sink is made of stainless steel, invented by Englishman Sir Harry Brearly. To make matters worse, he noticed that his favourite and most useful kitchen utensils were made of plastic, the brainchild of Birmingham professor Alexander Parkes.
So, desperate to avoid the brilliance of the English, he headed out doors - passing on the way his modern WC, designed by Londoner Alexander Cummings. Once outside, he noticed that the lawn was a bit overgrown because he couldn’t bring himself to use the lawn mower, originally designed by Edwin Budding of Gloucestershire.
Our bigot, now completely distracted by anger, turned around and walked straight into one of his prized rose bushes, badly scratching his arms and hands. Briefly, he was glad that his Tetanus shots were up to date - until he remembered that immunisation was discovered by Dr Edward Jenner, another Gloucestershire man.
This was all too much - All of this contact with English brilliance just about gave the poor chap a heart attack. It’s just as well that he had previously been fitted with a cardiac pacemaker, the invention of English surgeon W H Walshe.
Feeling very run-down, emotionally depressed and really quite ill, our bigot decided that he’d better go to the doctors for a check-up. After a breif consultation, the doctor announced that he needed an urgent blood transfusion to save his life. Fortunately, this was quickly arranged and our bigot survived - thanks mostly to James Blundell, who pioneered blood transfusions at Guy’s Hospital, London.
“…but apart from ALL that… What, EXACTLY, have the English ever done for us, eh?”
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