Okay, I didn’t actually write these–Dave Barry did. But they’re funny and true. And even true for those who play the whistle (see #3, 6, 14, and 15).
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above-average drivers.
A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
Your friends love you anyway.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Final thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
As for #16, I instead quote a middle school principal:
“It’s all about control.”
#16 sounds like somebody who, having never went ahead and got the divorce, believes, rationalizes and accepts then embarks on a life of passive-aggressive marital behavior. If you have run the gauntlet, you have a dislike for controlling people that nearly changes your entire emotional chemistry for good.
Very good. I like 13 because it is true. As for 16, the thought may be trite, but it’s expressed in a new and funny way, and I’ll take that any day.
BTW, Weekenders, I think you should examine your use of the term “passive-aggressive.” I mean, ask yourself: Is there anything in this world that is wicked or evil that is not passive-agressive (apart from liberals, of course). If there isn’t, I apologize for bringing it up. But if there is, you may consider restricting the use of the term passive-aggressive a bit.
Hey Sus dear, you forgot one. Not intentionally, I hope.
from Dave Barry… - “I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call,
they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to
be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women
hate in a man, they love in a cat.”
#3 and #7 (OUCH!) sure hit the mark!! Yes, I have really been stupid enough to lick a steak knife. I have also been stupid enough to pick up a safety razor by the head…another big OUCH!! I thought they were SAFETY RAZORS!!! Put a cramp in my whistling for a day or two!
I also like the grape stomping part…c’mere boys…
Hilarious! Thanks for sharing!! Got to share this one!
Hey Bloomfield: Don’t worry, I wouldn’t use the term “passive-aggressive” to describe you. I have other adjectives and even a few nouns in mind for your presumptive and critical comments.
But I stick to my assertion of the quiet married folk running around putting up with all kinds of things they never thought they would have to, with occasional outbursts of anger and/or peculiar black humor or just weird manipulative behavior. Have met many of them.
As someone just starting a painful separation process #16 is funny. But I don’t like being stomped like a grape just because of someone’s overwhelming need for control. “My way or the highway” does not work well in a relationship, and besides, I’m too damned stubborn to take orders from someone who is not writing me a paycheck (that would be slavery). Grumph.
