to someone who has lost a loved one.
(1) At least you didn’t have children
(2) I’m sure you’ll find someone else
(3) Don’t be sad - it is all part of God’s plan
(Actual comments - by the way)
Sometimes we just need to listen patiently, hold tightly and keep our mouths shut and let people know that we love them and let them grieve.
pastorkeith
Yeah.
However well they’re meant, I hate hearing canned platitudes like “At least he’s in a better place now” and the like.
The best suggestion I’ve heard came from my Rabbi who suggests asking the bereaved person to tell you about the person they lost (especially if you didn’t know that person well). Being invited to share good memories of their loved one is often a very welcome opportunity.
I believe a well-timed yawn can help to quickly bring the bereaved back to the real world and put things in proper focus once again.
djm
“I’m so sorry for your loss” is always in good taste and usually doesn’t make the grieving loved ones want to belt you.
Susan
Couldn’t agree more. I give talks on the issue of speaking with people at highly emotional moments. I give a tip about platitudes (“part of God’s plan”, “God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle” etc.). The tip is–if you’ve ever seen it embroidered and hanging on a wall, don’t say it.
So, does that mean I may have caused some offense by saying “bless this mess”?
All those things were said by people who care and who don’t know what else to say. Often, they’re saying the things that they find comforting, especially #3.
Not much will prevent the bereaved from becoming furious at the ‘insensitive’ thing someone said, but whatever it was isn’t the cause of the anger: they’re angry because their loved one is dead, and that clueless person is the first suitable target to hove into view.
Let me disagree–I’m not seeing the problem. There are plenty of other times that rude and stupid things are said, and not just after someone has died. Some people are little impacted by the passing of a relative or friend, some are greatly so. Walking on eggshells and trying to be politically correct by avoiding tried and true phrases might be the last thing the grieving person wants.
The reason cliches and platitudes are so popular is because they are often appropriate. My opinion is that no words mentioned in the thread, are going to matter that much or add much to the pain. Pastor’s and counselors are there to listen, let them play their role. The real world goes on. When the grieving are ready to go on too, the real world will be there.
The worst things I have heard said are along the lines of “it’s your fault, so-and-so is dead, or did you know that you made so-and-so unhappy for so many years by your actions or inactions.” Close is, “you were always mean to that person, don’t you regret it now.” None of the other phrases mentioned in the thread come close.
My honest opinion is to say get a grip people. Use a cliche if that is what comes to mind, 90% don’t mind it, or have used the same phrases themselves, and the 10% that do, are probably in for a long ride no matter what is done or said.
Those are interesting statistics.
I have found, being someone with experience dealing with people in heightened emotional states and with people with severe mental illness (honestly there’s not a lot of difference) is that the best thing you can do is to simply listen. If you can get someone in a heightened emotional state to start talking, that is usually all that is needed. That goes for people who are grieving, people who are sad, people who are suicidal or people who are very angry.
If you have relevant personal experience, you can share that, but if you do not, you should just listen.
My experience suggests otherwise.
Of course I can’t and would never speak for all people in this.
I do believe that we [people in general] are far too uncomfortable with the silence involved with being among grieving people and far too often expect those folks to “get over” death as quickly as some of those Hollywood stars burn through rehab. That is, I believe , a disservice to their grief work.
Honestly, I am not sure that what grieving people want or need is to feel better for the moment, whatever that means. They need to heal and they know this most of the time and grief is work that must be done. And then they come to realize that no one ever gets over it - it changes us and we live on changed.
pastorkeith
So 5% or 10% of the people at the service might say something inappropiate. Another 50% or 70% might trot out some tired cliche. Do you think posting about it might even influence 10% of those reading? I don’t. If you do, I think you are fooling yourself.
People at the service are in the moment, and also dealing with their own sense of loss. Your post will have been long forgotten when one of the few hundred reading are at that crossroads.
It is not just the most immediate family or closest friends that might be impacted. Those are likely the ones a Pastor such as yourself, or mental health professional such as Dale, as spending most of their time with. How much of their upset is over what someone might have said? 1%? 5%?
Keep it in perspective, your post is likely to change little to nothing. In any case, someone not showing up, or showing up extra late or extra early, or someone wearing a favorite color, or a bright color, or burping or their kid making noise might all be more upsetting than someone saying a cliche.
Again, get a grip. In the grand scheme of things, saying something like “it is God’s plan,” or “so-and-so is in a better place,” is nothing, nada, zilch, has zero impact, or very close to zero impact. Really. You’re telling me that grieving sobbing people are complaining to you about these kind of statements or expressions of sympathy? I call bumpkus and psychobabble on that statement. It is more likely your imagination, your own politically correct personal beliefs and not their feelings that are hurt. If folks really and truly are complaining about these very minor kinds of things, they ain’t so broken up, or would find something else to get all upset about.
If you spent $10 billion on public service announcements on this subject during the next year, I doubt you would change more than 3% of people’s behavior. Your opinion is duly noted, however, I stand by my strong opinion stated.
“Oh you’ll find another boy soon enough.”
“Get over it.”
“That’s no excuse for you to cry, get back to work.”
“Well, it’s not like you were married.”
All things my daughter heard almost immediately after her boyfriend (they were just about to become officially engaged) died this spring.
That bunch of words sounds like something someone who hasn’t experience this might say. Certainly someone who hasn’t been in deep grief lately.
I can’t imagine anyone saying any of the above to someone who has suffered such a loss.
Anyone making any of these statements will deserve an appropriate response/reaction.
Maybe they are words said out of my own anger at the forum. I’ve posted about personal loss on more than one occasion. Sometimes I’ve had one or two sympathy posts. Sometimes none.
I’ve had more than my share of grief, so I take your response bitterly and angrily. An apology would be appropriate, maybe you can even throw in a few cliches and platitudes.
For example I posted these song lyrics, and the story about my friend’s suicide, and got zip/zilch/nada from the politically correct crowd on the forum:
Light on the Ocean
Some days, its too heavy,
Some nights, its too dark
Some days, I want to fade away,
Some nights, I fall apart
My friend, dear friend, look out on the ocean,
My friend, dear friend, gaze upon the sea.
and you’ll see a light on the ocean,
and feel the calm of the waves,
when you see a light on the ocean,
you’ll know everything’s okay.
Some day, I’ll reach for heaven
Some night, I’ll touch the sky
Some days, you’ll remember
Some nights, you’ll wonder why
When you see a light on the ocean,
and feel the calm of the waves,
when you see a light on the ocean,
you’ll know everything’s okay.
Some days…
Some nights…
/ whistle solo /
Lisa lost her battle with bipolar disorder and committed suicide 1-16-2004. Readers know that I volunteer with a mental health group, Chicago headquartered Recovery International. Like I said, I’ve seen more than my share of rain and would like an apology for your crude statements. The song lyrics I take as a message from Lisa.
I’ll be the first to say I am very sorry. On my dad’s side of my family we have more than our share of folks who are bi-polar and have also had those who reached their limit(my grandmother was one) and decided to end it all. It is hard.
I have no excuses or idea why I did not respond to your original post.
I must not have seen the post or I would definitely have responded, as I know all too well what it feels like to lose a loved one. I am indeed sorry for your loss, and for somehow not noting it when it happened.
I still think your words were rude. If your pain makes you so angry at the boards that you would react that way, rather than say, “hey, i could really use some support right now”, it pretty much proves the point others have made that folks get pretty upset when the wrong thing (or no thing) is said to them.
Again, i am so sorry to hear about your friend’s suicide. Our neighbors just had a nephew do the same yesterday. It is such a sad, sad thing to know that someone felt so helpless/hopeless that leaving this world was the only way they could see to cope. It leaves a gaping hole in the hearts of all who loved them.
Please, Reach out, don’t lash out. Even this far after, there are plenty of folks here who care. A lot.
You are correct.