My father, 90 years old, passed away yesterday. It was my decision to conduct the service in the funeral home and at the gravesite without the assistance of a member of the clergy. My two brothers and I will do readings, show photographs, play music, and hopefully elicit positive memories about my father from the attenders.
My father, being from a poor farming family and coming of age during the Great Depression, was not able to attend college, yet he had a life-long interest in science, especially astronomy. His three sons all received graduate degrees in science, and his two grandchildren are curently students in science at Yale and LSU. I am looking for ideas and suggestions about any materials that might be appropriate to use in the memorial service.
My sympathies. I am sure you will receive many suggestions. I am not sure exactly what you are seeking. It seems your dad was not a religious man. I have been to a couple of memorials recently. The basic outline, surely is familiar to someone your age.
The eulogy usually includes a brief outline version of the person’s life (maybe five minutes) and then stories. Humorous stories, poignant stories, stories about how dad was there to help, or played a joke on someone, or had some habit that everyone will remember and smile. If people are up to it, they can tell their stories in person, or if they are not up to it, to write them down and have you and/or your brother alternate sharing other people’s stories.
Music is often the most moving part of the event. With your many years as a musician I’m sure there are many tunes to choose from. I suggest opening with something familiar and traditional, closing with one of your dad’s favorites. Maybe one or two other tunes depending on how many other people want to speak.
With an interest in science, it may be appropiate to find quotes from famous scientists and weave them in. If your dad has any inventions, gadgets he built himself, those might be appropiate. 90 years is certainly a full life, and it sounds like your dad used his time here wisely. Blessings to you and your family.
My sympathy to you, Doug, on your loss. My mother’s memorial service, though officiated by a Unitarian minister, was very “homespun,” almost literally, in fact. She was always sewing something or other, and we had long tables laid out displaying her handiwork–old doll clothes she’d made for my sister and me when we were kids, half-finished quilts, many wonderful samplers, lots more. We also invited relatives too far away to attend in person to send in memories of my mother, which were read aloud at the service. Those from the few remaining elders in the family were especially moving.
So I guess based on our experience, I’d suggest that anything that represented your father’s interest in science–maybe even a telescope–be brought in for the service, and certainly memories from people both present and distant would honor his life. As an aside, my dad was also an amateur astronomer and I remember many a night being roused from bed to watch an eclipse. Though I might have been mildly grumpy at the time–the bed was so warm and the night always so chilly! --I am so grateful for those memories!
I don’t know his work well by any means but I can also say that I was once very taken with a reading by a work of Stephen Jay Gould that was done in my church. It was an analysis of the burning bush and, if I remember it right, Gould’s point was that the story actually captures the miraculous power of photosynthesis; and he speculated (again if I remember right) that there are a few people, like Moses, who might be able to see the deeper reality of the physical world. I imagine you know Gould’s writing much better than I, but I just thought it might have some potential for celebrating the life of a scientist. Though it’s old now, another book that effectively links science to the bigger questions is The Dancing Wu Li Masters–there may be some potential readings there as well.
Planning and participating in my mother’s memorial service was a very big part of our healing, and I hope it is for you as well as you work through your sadness.
I to am sadden to hear of your lost Doug and I am sure that whatever you do will honour father’s long life, with dignity and caring.
I to have a love of astronomy which I got from my great uncle who was a ships’ captain here of the Great Lakes, sailing those long ore carriers from Duluth to Detroit. The three summers I spent as a cabin boy on his ship, he and his officers taught me to navigate using the stars, and as I stood my watch with him he would name every star and constellation in the heavens as they past overhead at night.
And he once told me that we are made of stardust and Joni Mitchell’s song always comes to mind for me, especially the chorus and the second verse;
Chorus*
We are stardust
We are golden
We are billion-year-old carbon
And we’ve got to get ourselves
Back to the garden
Then can I walk beside you
I have come here to lose the smog
And I feel to be a cog in something turning
Well maybe it is just the time of year
Or maybe it’s the time of man
I don’t know who l am
But life is for learnin
Chorus*
We are stardust
We are golden
We are billion-year-old carbon
And we’ve got to get ourselves
Back to the garden
my condolences on your loss, Doug. my mother died quite unexpectedly a month ago and she wanted cremation with a simple memorial service. my brothers and i put together poster boards and albums with photos of her throughout her life, and had her beloved iBook playing her favorite music and showing pictures. people thought it all quite lovely.
i don’t have any suggestions for readings… when it came time for the service, we did have a deacon come and do the readings and say prayers. my eldest brother delivered the eulogy and one sister-in-law and nephew got up to say a few words each and i for one was glad i didn’t have to because i could not stop crying through the whole service.
peace to you and your family and may G-d bless you all and keep you during this difficult time.
My sympathies go out to you Doug. I like the idea of the family service, it is the personal touches that matter the most and bring the event of your father’s life to an honorable and loving close.
Johann Sebastian Bach’s ‘Air On A G String’ comes to mind… a stirring and beautiful piece… reminds me of the stars on a clear winter’s night.
Hi Doug, I am very sorry to hear about your father.
One idea I have for readings would be possibly Richard Feynman. He was a physicist at Cal Tech and is quite well-known for his wide-ranging interests. His books should be available. I saw him interviewed on TV and he was talking about people finding science dry and boring and he was saying that to him it was just as beautiful as poetry to try to figure out the workings of nature and that he couldn’t really see the difference. The problem is, of course, I have no idea in which book, if any, he might have written about his feeling about science. Perhaps on the Web there might be a website about him that would discuss some of his views and that could give you a hint.
Oliver Sacks is a neuroscientist who is well-known for his humanism, but I can’t think right off hand of any particular passages. His studies of
brain-injured people led him into ponderings about what it is that actually makes us human.
I would second JES’s music suggestion.
Edited to say that this website: http://www.feynmanonline.com/
has information about Feynman. If you go to the folder titled “Life and Science”, and then to the lecture at the very bottom of the list called “What is Science?”, you may or may not find something helpful.
I wasn’t really able to find things Oliver Sacks has said on the Web, and I think maybe he was not a good suggestion on my part.
I’m so sorry; it’s so hard to lose our parents.
I’ll keep you and your brothers in my prayers.
Have you considered any of the writings of Wendell Berry (farmer, poet, teacher, natural scientist)? He’s got some wonderful things; I’ll try to do a search for specifics later.
Annie Proulx’s “Pilgrim at Tinker Creek” and Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s “Gift from the Sea” also spring to mind …
And stories are always good. That’s what a memorial service is; remembering the person who lived with us so long and brought us all those memories in the first place.
Musically, “Be Thou My Vision” is still #1 on my list; “Simple Gifts (aka Shaker Hymn)” is lovely, too.
Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. Kathy, we seem to be on the same wavelength. I am planning to use a reading by the philosopher/farmer, Wendell Berry, and, yes, I plan to play “Tis a Gift to be Simple” on the flute and also sing the lyrics. I have played that tune for several memorial services over the years, including my Mother’s funeral service seven years ago. “Simple Gifts” also has a connection with astronomy, as the last lines of the tune refer to turning: “to turn, turn, will be our delight, until turning, turning we come 'round right.” The Shakers loved to dance, and their turning dances are similar to the dances of the Sufi dervishes, Gypsies, and other groups around the world. I think that the turning represents the turning of the Earth on its axis. When I turn, that’s what I think of anyway. It’s too bad that the Shakers didn’t think more highly of sex. No sex, no survival, unless you are a simple organism, but that would be boooring.
