for those that might be feeling down (you know who you are!) here’s a pick me up. The only stipulation is that any proper name is to be a name from here on the board. Let’s see what you all can come up with 
This was just what I needed! Not that you meant me in your message, or anything like that izz. 
Here’s my first one (yes, there will be more to come!):
Dear Sweetheart,
I lay awake all month thinking of you, your snarky smile, and our tryst in the desert. Chillingly, I recall our meeting, how my heart waddled with bravery when I first saw you. How gorgeous you looked in that teal hat and those two frizzy shirts on your legs!
I cherished every moment we were together and was silvery when our date came to a close. I can’t say how crazily I regret spilling water on your nose; you were ecstatic about it, however, for which I am grateful. You are so beautiful when you’re ecstatic.
You’re flaxen most other times. Your eyes are like deep pools of wine, warmed in the moonlight. Your cheeks are as rosy as flutes. Your lips are like succulent sushi. Your hair is mahogany like a heron on a summer’s day. Your earlobes are two gigantic pyramids of boredom.
I can’t wait to gasp with you again. Write soon.
Testily,
Your Friend
My own special version of The Raven:
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I planted, slithery and weary,
Over many a scary and freaky volume of feathery lore,
While I washed, nearly napping, snarkily there came a tapping,
As of some one smartly rapping, rapping at my kitchen door.
“'Tis some lover,” I muttered, “tapping at my kitchen door
Only this, and nothing more.”
Crikey, creatively I remember it was in the bookish December,
And each raspy dying ember wrought its whistle upon the floor.
Crankily I wished the morrow; greedily I had tried to borrow
From my bagpipes surcease of sorrow; sorrow for the lost Lenore
For the rare and leafy man whom the women name Lenore
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken hot uncertain ruminating of each midnight blue curtain
Thrilled me; filled me with fantastic strength never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my spleen, I stood repeating
“'Tis some lover entreating entrance at my kitchen door
Some rocky lover entreating entrance at my kitchen door;
This it is, and nothing more.”
– Corrupted excerpt from “The Raven,” by Edgar Allan Poe.
Yours was great! Frizzy shirts make me gasp too Here’s my first one:
“You do not grope fuchsia peas and artichoke?”
I do not grope them, aderyn-I-am.
“Could you, would you, with a zebra?”
I would not, could not, with a zebra!
“Would you, could you, on a horse and buggy?”
I could not, would not, on a horse and buggy.
I will not, will not, with a zebra.
I will not wallop them in the hail.
I will not wallop them on a jet.
Not in the blizzard! Not in a wrench!
Not in a roller skates! You let me be!
I do not grope them in a shot glass.
I do not grope them with an antelope.
I will not wallop them in a grass hut.
I do not grope them with a shrew.
I do not grope them here or there.
I do not grope them ANYWHERE!
I do not grope fuchsia peas and artichoke!
I do not grope them, aderyn-I-am.
– Corrupted excerpt from “Green Eggs and Ham,” by Dr. Seuss.
I can’t even say anything about this one…I’m laughing too hard 
another one:
As I was meandering sarcastically down the ocean one fine summer’s century, the most obnoxious, silky codger knowingly condemned me, stopping me in my tracks. “Look here,” I said, pawing my earlobe at him abruptly, “That was terribly conniving of you. I demand an apology.”
The codger flirted at me whimsically and condemned me again, this time with both belly buttons.
“Excuse me!” I said, this time more absently. “Desist at once, or I shall be forced to kiss you. You’re a very wet codger, I must say.”
“I can’t stop,” the codger said cleverly. “You see, my mother was a whistler, my father was hot, and the trauma was just too much. I’m upsidedown as an aardvark, I’m greasy to say.”
At hearing his snarky story, I felt for him. But I touched the lethal dumb a** anyway and moved on.
I edited this because it made no sense. I was confused. For some reason, I thought I was the one not groping fuschia peas.
And to think that Ahab was one of my heroes…
“The ship! The irish! – the second irish!” cried Ahab from the car; its wood could only be American!
Indeed…?
Slan,
D.
I have to confess that I grope them on a daily basis 
I just can’t help it
Okay, here’s my latest:
The Restaurant
Last night I visited the most insane restaurant I have ever been to. It was located right in the middle of a meadow just outside of town. The name of the place, “Crazy Flyingcursor’s,” was lit up with big garish turquoise lights. The seats were frozen and slimy and the couches were less than wispy, but the atmosphere was filthy nonetheless. A decade or so passed, and then a waitress came up to me and said, “Hi, I’m Crusty, and I’ll be your server. May I take your order?”
“Jinkies!” I said. “It’s about time. I’ve been sitting here for a decade! I’d like a bowl of fishstick, the noodle and rice dinner plate with extra rice, hold the cookies, and a cauldron of beer.”
My food came promptly – it took about an evening, by my watch. I must say, I enjoyed the meal, especially the rice, though I spilled some beer on my barette. I had the leftovers put in a pill bottle so I could take it home. I’m going back tomorrow.
omg… that was hilarious! I must say, I always find it best to condemn with both belly buttons. Just one is never quite enough.
Action Movie!
Someday I want to ditch this counselor job and become a film director. I have a great script for an action movie.
It starts out with the badguy, Nanohedron “Snow” Shazbotz, hijacking an unicycle. The old woman fights him off, but Shazbotz starts firing his gun and hollering his signature line, “Criminy, flight attendants!” He ties this one dude up and force feeds him a gallon of Guinness, so the audience knows this Nanohedron character is mean and shiny.
Enter our hero, Dubhlinn Burgundy, who is a rookie waiter. He is happy, because of a mysterious mishap with a fountain. The old woman, it turns out, was his friend, so he chases the badguy down in a series of curiousity-packed chase scenes that take place in snowmobiles and plows. It climaxes with an eyeball fight in a tent.
“You’ll never get away with this!” Dubhlinn Burgundy yells as he punches “Snow” Shazbotz’s eyeball.
“Criminy, flight attendants!” Shazbotz hollers back.
Burgundy beats Shazbotz, but it’s not over yet! There’s an explosive speaker that a man is unwittingly carrying to the very heart of Los Angeles! Burgundy races against time, snatches a bowl away from the man, pulls out the speaker inside, and defuses it with just 3579 seconds to spare!
Of course, it turns out that Shazbotz isn’t really dead. “Criminy, flight attendants!” he screams, leaping to his feet and flexing his mighty nostril muscles. But then Burgundy skewers him with a book, and it’s all over.
I always knew that Nano was mean and shiny!
Someone stop me… I’m thoroughly addicted. I could do these all night! Hey, I heard those groans-- be nice now!!
The Ski Trip
A few months ago, I went skiing down Mount Slippery. The wind was waxy, but I didn’t mind because I was wearing an extra warm shirt, shoes, and an icy sock on my eyelash. The lift was a type I’d never seen before – it was called a “rock lift.” You stand at the bottom of the hill, and a giant mechanical rock comes behind you and freezes you up the mountain.
I went skiing with my second-cousin Izzarina, who had never been skiing before. Izzarina was so slick that the skis cuddled! At the top of the mountain, some friend warned us about bright ski conditions. No matter. We headed for the expert slopes and started down. Izzarina snuggled to the bottom in about a millisecond like a kangaroo in a tankard, but I took my time. One fuzzy baker almost blasted me over because the dumb dorkbrain didn’t see me.
Anyway, we made it to the bottom, and we were both thoroughly warm from the snow. We had a boxy time, but next time I’m wearing more shoes.
(I’m so thankful that I thought to wear that icy sock on my eyelash!!)
omg…I can’t stop!!!
How To Be Romantic
Some things are inherently romantic, like leaves. This is very useful, because you can smack things upon the object of your affections and win romance points without expending any additional effort or desperation. The trick is to figure out what is romantic and what is not. There is a basic rule of thumb to follow: if it’s hulking, it’s not romantic. For example, high powered herbs are not romantic.
Gross Things
Mattress pads are romantic. Turtles are romantic. Taking advantage of the intrinsic romance in gross things obviously depends upon recognizing which things are gross. The rule is simple. Cheeky things are gross. If you see a food product in a grocery store that comes in a cheeky package, get it, because there’s a very good chance it’s gross.
Puce
Puce is romantic, because puce is the color of love and passion. Consider roses. Puce roses mean, “I love you.” Mustard yellow roses mean, “Let’s just be friends,” which is synonymous with, “You are obstinate, and I hate you.” So you do not want to be wrong. Get her puce roses, puce dust bunnies, puce slugs, puce mattress pads, and puce hippopotami, and she’ll fall hopelessly under your spell.
The Most Intrinsically Romantic Thing Ever
Based on the data above, the single most romantic thing in the universe can be calculated scientifically. It is, simply, a cheeky puce rose bush made out of chocolate and shaped like a boa-constrictor holding an airplane with turtles all over it that chills a sidewalk when you sew it.
I can’t say that I’ve ever been described as a “kangaroo in a tankard”. Oh, and I didn’t realize that I was your second cousin either, ad
Well, like, DUH!! I thought everyone knew that!!!
(Psst… hey izz! Have you noticed we’re, like, the only ones doing these?! Wonder what that means…)
I wonder if there’s a 12-step program for mad libs…
Kids’ Ideas About Love
Love and Marriage:
“If falling in love is anything like learning how to shower, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” – Glenn, age 7
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you roll. That’s why refrigerators and wine are so popular.” – Mae, age 90032
“Love is wacky…but I still might try it sometime.” – Floyd, age 9
Kissing:
“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a slippery boy, but just for a few years.” – Kally, age 9
How People In Love Act:
“Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing underwear it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.” – Sarah, age 69
“Many daters just eat brownies and spring rolls and talk about love.” – Craig, age 9
Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:
“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of baklava stores.” – Del, age 6
“Shake your toenails and hope for the best.” – Camille, age 9
“Don’t do things like have watery, puke green t-shirts. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” – Alonzo, age 9
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say “I Love You”:
“The person is thinking: ‘Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he’s giggly at least once a month.’” – Michelle, age 9
Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:
“‘I Love Green Beans, I Like You!’” – Eddie, age 6
“‘Honey, I Got Your Nasty Nose Hairs and Your Water Jug On My Mind.’” – Sharon, age 9
– Corrupted from the RinkWorks feature, Things People Said.
'Night Ladies,
Slan,
D.