IMHO James Taylor’s best work ever was his appearance in the Deep Space Homer episode of The Simpsons, back in 1994. Here, straight off the Internet and with thanks to unknown transcribers with way too much time on their hands, is a summary of that appearance:
Controller: Er, some good news, gentlemen. We have quite a treat for
you. We’ve been able to coax superstar James Taylor in here
to Mission Control to wish you well and play you a little
bit of his own brand of laid-back adult contemporary music.
Homer: Wow, former president James Taylor.
Taylor: How ya doin’, fellas?
Buzz: With all due respect, Mr. Taylor, this isn’t the best time
for your unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. We have a
potentially critical situation here. I’m sure you’ll
understand.
Taylor: Listen, Aldrin, I’m not as laid back as people think. Now
here’s the deal: I’m going to play, and you’re going to
float there and like it.
[sings]
When you’re down, and troubled,
And you need a helping hand,
And nothing, oh, nothing is going right…
Kent Brockman reports on Channel Six.
Kent: We’re just about to get our first pictures from inside the
spacecraft with “average-naut” Homer Simpson, and we’d like to
– aah!
[Camera shows a close-up of an ant floating in front of the
three astronauts]
Everyone: Aah!
Kent: Ladies and gentlemen, er, we’ve just lost the picture, but,
uh, what we’ve seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft
has been taken over – “conquered”, if you will – by a master
race of giant space ants. It’s difficult to tell from this
vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men
or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain, there is no
stopping them; the ants will soon be here.
And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to
remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful
in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar
caves.
Marge: Mmm, don’t worry, kids. I’m sure your father’s all right.
Lisa: What are you basing that on, Mom?
[pause]
Marge: [with forced cheer] Who wants ginger snaps?
James Taylor continues to sing to the hapless astronauts. “{There’s
hours of time on the telephone line,/Talking 'bout things to
come.}/Sweet dreams, and flying machines,/And pieces on the ground –
um…” He pauses, then continues, “Sweet dreams, and flying
machines,/Flying safely through the air…”
Things go from bad to worse on the spaceship. Some of the ants land on
the controls and crawl into them.
Race: Oh my God, the ants are shorting out our navigation systems!
[the astronauts smack back and forth into the walls]
Taylor: Ants, huh? We had quite a severe ant problem at the vineyard
this year. I had Art Garfunkel come by with his compressor,
and we created a total vacuum outside the house, and we blew
the ants out the front door. But I’m sure you high-tech NASA
people could care less about our resort-town ways.
Assistant: [menacing] Quiet, you –
Scientist: Wait a minute…this unkempt youngster might just be on to
something.
Race and Buzz prepare the shuttle to be evacuated of air. Buzz pushes
the button with a “Make hatch blow now!” The ants and chips get sucked
out, as planned, and Homer (who has forgotten to attach his seat belt)
dusts off his hands, says, “And that is that!” He, too, gets sucked
towards the hatch.
Luckily, he manages to grab the handle of the door, but it bends under
the strain. “Oh my God,” says the scientist, “this is a disaster!”
James Taylor uses the distraction to run away.
Dale, was this trenchant and ground-breaking work on the part of Mr. Taylor even alluded to in the PBS tribute? No, you say? And they call themselves broadcasters. Hah! Their new insect overlords would make short work of them.
