“Irish Shopping”
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini
after martini, each time removing the olives and
placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled
with olives and all the drinks consumed, the
Irishman started to leave.
“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled
over what McQuillan had done, “what was that all
about?”
"Nothin’, said the Irishman, “my wife just sent
me out for a jar of olives!”
“You’ve Been Out Drinking Again”
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all
night. The bartender finally said that the bar is
closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell
flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he ll crawl outside and
get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face
again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and
fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
into his bedroom. When he reached his bed
he tried one more time to stand up. This time
he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly
fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as
soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife
standing over him, shouting, “SO YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING
AGAIN!”
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on
bluffing it out he said, “What makes you say that?”
“The pub just called; you left your wheelchair
there again.”
“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and
wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down
his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he
was already homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me
luggage!”
“How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.
“Water to Wine”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and
gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state
trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of
the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good
Lord! He’s done it again!”
“The Reunion”
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a
bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.“Why, of
course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m
from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to
Ireland.”
“Of course,” says the second.
Curious, the first asks: “Where in Ireland?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it, Me too! Lets have another
round of drinks to Dublin.”
“Of course”
The second man can’t help himself so he asks,
“What school did you attend?”
“Saint Mary’s”, replies the first man. “I
graduated in '62.”
“This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in
union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars
and sits down at the bar.
“What’s up?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replied the bartender. “The
O’Malley twins are drunk again!”
“The Brothel”
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and
one of them said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see a man of
the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other
Irishman said,
“Aye, ‘tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’
victim to temptation as well.”
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and
one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity…one
of the girls must be dying.
“An Irish Fight” :
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a
sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean,the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
That little sod, O’Conner," says Sean, “He couldn’t do
that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself.
Didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s boob, and
a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
“Irish Cemetery”:
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling
home from the pub late one night and found themselves
on the road which led past the old graveyard.. “Come
have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael
O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the
ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick
O’Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”!
Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella
that got to be 145!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match
to see what else is written on the stone marker, and
exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”
“Irish Miracle”:
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is
driving home from the city one night and, of course,
his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the
driver, “where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the
drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite
a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, “that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute
there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Tony