3Fish Stock Plummets After State of the Union Address
AP. Phil Space, reporting. The water is milky in the corporate fish tanks at the 3Fish Productions, Inc. headquarters today. In frenzied overnight trading and in the first few minutes of today’s NASDAQ session, 3Fish’s stock has plummeted, sending shockwaves through baffled Wall Street analysts.
3Fish Productions, well-known in industry circles for the fact that nothing is known about it, was once the prodigy of a younger, reformed Wall Street. After the recent takeover by Dick Clark, this catastrophic day of trading is a second blow. We spoke to Dale Wisely, President, CEO, and Chairman of the Board of 3Fish (if rumors can be believed). True to company spirit, Mr. Wisely was at first reluctant to give an interview.
Phil Space: Thank you Mr. Wisely for taking time out of your busy day to speak to us.
Dale Wisely: Yeah, well… you convinced me. But it seems hardly fair that…
Phil Space: Now, now, Mr. Wisely. You know that we take our obligation to keep the public informed very seriously. But tell me: What happened? How could your company’s stock have plummeted like this?
Dale Wisely: In view of the certain inescapable contingent nature of econmic success axioms under the trilateral device paradigm of mono-focal success aspirations, our dedicated profitibality deficit global reduction strategic approach appears retrospectively potentially sound but marked by achievement deficiencies in the implementation phase and may have been post-maturely counter-indicated.
Phil Space: You mean, shit happens?
Dale Wisely: Right. Our business plan was generally seen as a sufficient base on which we raised considerable funds that were defensively invested in perpetual land conservation trusts, smarties, and a really pretty mauve suite of fabrics for the upholstery in DaleForce 2. We knew things could go wrong, but our business model was sound!
Phil Space: But now, with the State of the Union Address, it has gone wrong?
Dale Wisely: Yes. We were sure of red, and I believe we could not hide from investors that everything had been staked on red.
Phil Space: Red?
Dale Wisely: You know: It was blue instead, which no one saw coming. It pretty much shut down Bisky’s, over on Route 17, when the Address came on.
Phil Space: I fear I still don’t follow you.
Dale Wisely: His tie. I mean, he calls himself our president, but he wore a blue tie. No wonder our stock bottomed out. We will have to reconsider our entire business model. But I am not giving up the mauve upholstery, no Sir.
Phil Space: You mean to say your business model was to bet on the color of the tie the President would wear during the State of the Union Address?
Dale Wisely: Well, that and hiring as many interns as possible. But I don’t like the word bet. I prefer to call it a minimum-determinacy maximum-outcome risk-affirming payout business model. It’s never seriously been tried before on Wall Street, you see, which is its great charm. I don’t see how it could have failed.
Phil Space: What measures have you taken to respond to the current crisis?
Dale Wisely: We’ve hired more interns, of course. And we are considering re-designing our corporate uniforms for interns. I was thinking yellow, perhaps: that sends a positive signal to investors.
Phil Space: Has Dick Clark been involved in the operation of 3Fish after his recent take over?
Dale Wisely: Oh, yes. We appreciate Dick’s valuable contribution. He came by and then he made us take down all the haiku in the bathroom. And he wants us to become profitable. But I am putting my foot down in one area: Nobody touches the mauve upholstery.
Phil Space: Thank you, Mr. Wisely, for taking the time. You have been most forthcoming.
Dale Wisely: Sure, all right. Just put down the gun, now, please? I’ve a wife and three daughters, and…
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/bloomfield
[ This Message was edited by: Bloomfield on 2003-01-29 17:17 ]
