For those of you just getting started on the road to the Blues, Here’s a list of 20 things you need to know, Dig it:
How to sing the Blues . . . A Primer
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Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning…”
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“I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”
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The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes… sort of:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
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The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch–ain’t no way out.
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Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillac’s and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running.
Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
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Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
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Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.
A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
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You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
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Good places for the Blues:
a) Highway;
b) Jailhouse;
c) Empty bed;
d) Bottom of a whiskey glass.
Bad places for the Blues:
a) Dillard’s;
b) Gallery openings;
c) Ivy League institutions;
d) Golf courses
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No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
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Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if
a) You older than dirt;
b) You blind;
c) You shot a man in Memphis;
d) You can’t be satisfied.
No, if
a) You have all your teeth;
b) You were once blind but now can see;
c) The man in Memphis lived;
d) You have a 401K or trust fund.
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Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
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If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, it’s the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are
a) Cheap wine;
b) Whiskey or bourbon;
c) Muddy water;
d) Nasty black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a) Perrier;
b) Chardonnay;
c) Snapple;
d) Slim Fast.
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If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
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Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling
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Some Blues names for men a) Joe; b) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big Willie
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Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
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Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);
b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.);
c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.);
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)
- I don’t care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.
Aw’right now, I realize #20 above immediately disqualifies most of y’all from being able to play or sing da blues. Don’t fret none though, all hope ain’t lost - just follow these steps:
First start woodshedd’in you chops, this means play’in you axe every day till you fingers bleed. Bleeding fingers is the blues, chipped nails ain’t.
Next, quit you day job. Go to the pawn shop and trade in you sweetheart’s jewelry for an old Fender tube amp and a beat up bullet microphone. Remember you can’t have the blues with no shiny new gear you bought at MARS or Sam Ash.
Now, while you got some free time on you hands 'cause the land lord done kicked you out on account of all that racket you been make’in, get to work on mastering #'s 1-19 above.
Might want to find your self a dog while you liv’in on the street, dogs and the blues go together real good. The best blues dogs are three legged or one eyed.
Remember: junkyard dogs and mutts are good blues dogs, anything with fluffy hair or a pedigree ain’t.
Soon as you got all this down, take you computer, it’s been sitting in the back of that Chevy (Ford, or Caddy) you’ve been sleep’in in ever since the landlord gave you the boot, and hit the road. Once you find a lonsome stretch of highway, toss that PC out you car and keep driving till you get to Kansas City, St. Louis, or Chicago.
And do yourself a favor though: Don’t stop to shoot a man in Memphis along the way. Sure, it’ll insure you get da blues, but you can’t play no blues in the electric chair, Dig?
Aw’right, 'nuff 'bout that then. Blues is about do’in, not jaw’in, so get to your woodshedd’in and hard drink’in - cause a blues man is never far from his liquor.
Oh Yeah, one mo thing: You may be think’in I can’t be no real blues man cause I got a computer too, right? Naw man, you got it all wrong; I ain’t got no computer, I got webtv…NOW DAT’S DA BLUES!!!
Loren “Deaf Mellon Jefferson”
