Got a question for the parents on the board

Poststructural Pub
1

How do you determine when it is reasonable to leave a child alone at home for a length of time? (say, a couple of hours).

Johanna (12) really would like to be able to stay home more often rather than have to accompany me on every errand. I’m fine with leaving her for a short time, when I’m less than 10 minutes away from the house (say a quick trip to the grocery store, or a half-hour workout at our nearby Curves). I’m less keen on leaving her when I can’t easily get home quickly. For example, today I needed to run my husband down to the motorcycle dealership, where his bike was being worked on. With rush-hour traffic, I knew it would take me at least 45 minutes to get there, and probably the same length of time to get back. She wanted to stay home…I wasn’t comfortable leaving her under those conditions, so she (reluctantly) came with.

The thing is, I worry about the way she responds to emergency situations (real or perceived). She has a tendency to panic and react inappropriately. Heck, a car running a stop in front of us will have her freaking out about how “we could have been killed!” I don’t worry about her general behavior…she’s a good kid, and I trust her…but I worry about how she would handle an earthquake (a very real possibility here), or a fire, or someone trying to get into the house. She has never wanted to practice emergency procedures (in fact, she’s always been scared of even talking about such things, or has turned the conversation to why “it’s not fair” that they need to be worried about, which suggests to me that she’s really not mature enough to be left alone for any great length of time). Also, we don’t have any close neighbors that we can rely on to “keep an eye” on things, or that she would willingly turn to if there were an emergency situation (long story!).

She’s in Junior High now, and these things are going to keep coming up. It’s natural that she wants to be treated like an adult and that she wants proof that I trust her (and, as far as her general behavior does, I do!), but her tendency to panic and her reluctance to really face up to the fact that there are dangers in the world that she needs to PREPARE for really concern me.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? Advice? Am I being overly paranoid?

Redwolf

2

I’m not a parent as you know. But I was a kid till recently.

My first thought was to check and see if there were any laws in California with an age limit on leaving kids home alone. Didn’t find anything but you may want to double check somewhere. I did find this on counsel.net but without reference to a particular state:

There is no law regarding a specific age at which at child can be left home alone. It all depends on the maturity of the child & the surrounding circumstances.

Some 11-year-olds are mature enough to be alone for a few hours, while some 15-year-olds need round-the-clock supervision.

However, there are laws regarding child endangement and failure to supervise.

From your description of Joanna in stressful situations I would say she isn’t ready to be home alone yet. I too went through things like “what if that car had hit us” and it’s easy to get carried away.

I think you are very justified in telling her that until she is ready to think about and prepare for emergency situations, she is demonstrating that she is not ready to be left alone. What if someone came by claiming to need to come in and ‘read the meter’? What if the power blew? (the circuit breaker here flips every time we turn on a certain stove burner) As you say, what if there’s an earthquake? You have valid concerns and she has not demonstrated either a preparedness or a willingness to confront the situations.

When she asks about why she can’t be left alone, I’d say try to explain about your concerns without making her feel like something is ‘wrong’ with her, and that responsibility is not a matter of an age but an outlook. When she’s ready to exercise that ability you’ll be happy to coach her along, and when you are satisfied that she can handle what may be thrown at her (and is able to improvise without panic) then her responsibility and independence will increase accordingly.

Edited to add this interesting link: http://www.cyfc.umn.edu/publications/newsreleases/7-24-02nr.html

3

Red - you know your daughter, and I’d go along with your gut feeling…


Nate has always been very mature. I could leave him alone at home, with his younger brother (who would do what Nate asked) at ages 10 and 6. There was never any problems.

I’ve been leaving Noah alone since age 12 or so (Nate was working or whatever by that time). With Noah, I need to leave a list of things to do and times to do them (that old ADD will take over if I don’t).

I’ve always had a pager or phone for instant contact - and often there was a neighbor home that was willing to be an “emergency contact”. And with our situation, we live only 1/4 a mile from the kids’ father - so he was also an “emergency contact”. The kids also knew they could call the grandparents (7 miles and 15 miles away) if needed.

Again - if YOU feel she’s not ready, then she’s probably not ready. Go with your gut.

4

The no available neighbor thing is a concern.
I’ve left kids home sooner than most people might, but there have been neighbors, usually a grandparent five minutes and a phone away, a nearby aunt and uncle, and their dad’s store within shouting distance.

hard call.

5

Hi Red: I have 4 sons.
The youngest is now 14. It would be of no value for me to apply my situation to yours. Not the same. Each child is too individual.

I think Beth’s article is a good one, and I think you already have a feeling for what you’re comfortable with at this point in time.

Alternatively though, can she be counted on to use a cell phone responsibly?
That can be comforting, given the absence of neighbors who could help out.

Also, I will probably get flamed for this, but although preparedness is 100% of almost everything, it isn’t as though disasters are lurking around every corner waiting to strike as soon as you walk out the door (and at least, that’s been my experience over lo these 22 years) True, have a plan. Maybe type one out, and put on the refrigerator for her. (ie: “If this happens, then do this–> call 911” etc.)

M

6

Do you engage the person during these errands or is she an appendage. Did you ask her to read the map to get you to the motorcycle shop (even if you both know where it is). What other things do you do when she is around? When you shop do you ask whether it will fit into the budget and have her calculate the costs and how to minimize them? She is a 12 year old, she is probably bored to death! I was 12 not to long ago and I remember that I couldn’t stand errands because I had nothing to do with them.

PS Not a parent. Nor would I be a good one.

7

My parents would leave my brother and me home alone together since we were in middle school, but neither of us were particularly apt to panic. She’s your kid; use your best judgement, as you know her better than any of us.

8

Does California law allow for these?

9

give her chores and increase the level, that will give her responsibility and independancy.
even a three year old chould have chores, it makes kids feel important, they’ll feel more part of the family.
and never mind the law.

10

Unless you have particularly odd neighbors, that are just waiting for the opportunity to report anything…

M

11

you can’t leave your kid at home when she’s 12 and when she turns 16 she’s aloud to drive a car :confused:
anyway there’s still the law from above that rules all.
no offence meant Mary.

12

Under California law, it’s only illegal to leave a child of age seven or younger unaccompanied (and that’s one that will get you arrested immediately if you’re caught…I once saw a grandmother hauled off in handcuffs for leaving a six year old and his younger sib unattended in a car while she shopped in Safeway). After that, things are more or less left up to a parent’s judgement.

Jo does have chores at home. She actually doesn’t go grocery shopping and such with me…those are errands that are close enough to home that I can get back very quickly in an emergency (our local grocery store is no more than five minutes away by car, or 15 minutes brisk walking). I have, in the past, tried to engage her in helping with such things, but she has no interest in doing so.

With her, it’s more things like yesterday’s errand…I had to take Tony to pick up his bike in Capitola during rush hour, which meant that I was going to be stuck on the freeway, with no way to get home quickly, for quite some time. Or, for another example, if Tony and I want to see a movie she doesn’t care about. In the latter example, in the past, we’ve been able to work out something with a friend of hers…perhaps she’d spend the night at the friend’s house and we’d reciprocate when the other parents wanted to do something. But now she’s in a new school, hasn’t really made any close friends, and is drifting away from the old friends (who all went to a different school), so that’s not an option.

In our part of California, two very real, clear, and always present dangers are earthquakes and fire. You just can’t discount them…especially the earthquakes, which strike without warning, and can make it difficult for us to get home for hours if roads are damaged or power lines are down. And in fire season, a wildfire can go from being a dark smudge on the horizon to an immediate threat very quickly. The ability to respond immediately and calmly is absolutely paramount…it can literally mean the difference between life and death. I’m less worried about intruders, given where we live, but it’s not something I can entirely discount either…especially as the neighbor kid has kind of a creepy fixation on Johanna (one reason why she’s reluctant to go to the neighbors for help in a crisis).

I really am conflicted, because I do understand her desire for independence. When I was her age, my parents did leave me alone or in charge of my younger sister occasionally when they went out in the evenings or ran longer errands, but it was a very different situation…we lived in a less volatile area, we had close neighbors I knew I could turn to, my grandparents were less than a mile away, and I was pretty calm under pressure. And she’s getting to the age where I’m going to have to allow her to be on her own and damn the consequences (the time is not far off when she’ll be wanting to get a job, drive a car, the whole teenager thing).

I think we’re going to see if this is important enough to her for her to be willing to a) work with us on implementing and practicing a disaster preparedness plan (we actually have one, but she’s never wanted to deal with it). Then we’ll play it by ear from there. I’d feel more comfortable if there were at least one neighbor I could count on to keep an eye out (and that I knew she’d feel safe calling in an emergency), but there’s not much I can do to change that situation.

Redwolf

13

That’s a great article! Thank you!

Redwolf

14

I agree with what’s been said already. Every child is different, and you have to feel secure in leaving them. My oldest was ready to be left alone very early, where as her brother who is only a year younger STILL isn’t ready (he’ll be 15). So it’s hard to really tell you what would be best, and you have to really look at the situation and use your instincts. I think you’re doing a great job with that anyway. Maybe you can leave her in longer intervals each time, to get her more prepared. Start with the 10 mins or so, then on to 20, then 40…gradually work your way up to longer. That’s pretty much what we did with Katherine, and it seemed to work for us! :slight_smile:

15

I had one of those for Noah. Nate I never worried about - someone would have had to cut my leg off to get him to leave my side. Noah, however, would be off like a shot. No fears. And not being misbehaving while doing it - he just is very friendly and inquisitive, and wants to see everything.
Both my kids walked at 10 months of age, and neither would get into a stroller after that. I tried the wrist thing with Noah - that lasted all of about a minute before he had it figured out. The harness was the ONLY way that kept him near me.

16

Here’s another link, talking to the kid directly. It’s got multiple sections, some are applicable and some aren’t.

http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/family/homealone/

There’s a bit about a code word, you’re probably already aware of this:

Set up a “family code word”. If someone says they know your family, they’ll need the code word to prove it! If they don’t know the word, don’t go anywhere with the person.

My mom actually needed to use this once with me, a family friend who I didn’t remember came to the house to get me. I asked her for the code word and for a second she blanked but then she told me, and I went with her. Turned out my mom was at the hospital and hadn’t been able to call me.

17

Just curious: have you put it to her that her hysterical responses are unacceptable, and the main reason why you don’t trust her to be left on her own? That may sound a bit blunt, but at least it may get her thinking about the way she has condtioned herself to respond to stress, and modify her behaviour accordingly, i.e. if she wants the responsibility of being left on her own she must learn to act appropriately. Its a decision she must make for herself, but at least she will understand why you are so reluctant.

djm

18

Redwolf,

I certainly understand your worries. And concur with the other posters saying “every kid is different”.

My two are very different - my older girl was much steadier at 12 than her younger sister is now. We didn’t have many qualms at leaving Alyssa at home alone at that age, for reasonable (up to an hour) periods - but we have close neighbors, and she had several emergency numbers. And she’s a very level-headed. But though Alina’s a good kid, we’re much less likely to leave her alone for more than short periods of time - she panics more easily, and shows wildly varying amounts of common sense.

Having met Johanna, going by her public behavior I would have put her down on the “more common sense” side - but I’ve never seen her in an emergency situation. At first, I was surprised that you were asking - then I thought about where you live, and the need for a much higher level of self-sufficiency in an emergency. I can’t say you’re handling things “right” - but I think I’d make the same choices you are until she learns better self-control in an emergency.

19

I haven’t read the other responses, but I’d say go with your feelings about this. You know her best, and every child is not ready to be left alone at 12. Some are ready before. Your reasoning is sound for why you don’t want to leave her for too long.

Robin

20

None taken! :wink:

It never occurred to me that there might actually “be” that sort of law, until I left my then 12 year old son in charge of his brothers for a night class I was taking a few years back.
A nosy neighbor found out, and made some statement “wondering” how old a child had to be to legally be left alone at that age in Georgia (where we lived at the time).

As you say, I guess there is always the threat of natural disaster or fire or “odd” neighbor.

Also, I didn’t think about fears, but I did after I submitted my contribution to this thread.
I am fully aware of how a person can have all sorts of fears, real or imagined. I am so afraid of heights, I can’t really climb a small ladder without breaking into a cold sweat. To my knowledge, I have never fallen from a high height in my life. I can intellectualize this fear all I want, but it exists, nevertheless.
So if your daughter has a fear of unforeseen occurrances, then she may have a tough time overcoming that, and your calm understanding is commendable, in my book, Red.

Mary