Getting Older (Reprise)

Poststructural Pub
1

GETTING OLDER

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

— Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She
simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

— The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs.

— Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she
replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker
commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

— I’ve sure gotten old.! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half
blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s
license.

— A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I
want my sex drive lowered.” “Sir,” replied the doctor, “you’re 97
Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?” “You’re damned
right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”

— An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
“Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be
sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

—My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not
as sharp as it used to be.

— Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

—I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my
body are just prone to swinging.

—It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker.

—These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For
fast relief.”

—Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your
inner child playing with matches.

— Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow
old because you stop laughing.

  • –THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
    the eyesight to tell the difference.
2

I had this one hanging on my cube for a while. My boss was standing there talking to me and read it… got silent for a minute… then walked away shaking his head saying “Missy - you’re weird.” :astonished:

3

I use to pick up loose change off the pavement of parking lots. Including pennies. Since age has started to come on, now it has to be more than a dime before I will think about the energy it takes to bend down there. :confused:

4

I would pick it up if I could see it any more. :cry:

Steve

5

I love it!

6

We could work togeather? I could spot and guide you to it. Then we could split it, or buy some prune juice with a scotch on the side. :laughing:

7

Only if there’s money left over after I’ve bought my incontinence pants.

Steve

8

LOL LOL :laughing: Stuffing paper towels from the public rest room would save some money?

9

Hey, it’s bad enough without you wanting me to smell of wee… :sniffle:

Steve

10

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re
getting Married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive at night!”


Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A
few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.  A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur. Be careful.'"

As we age, our priorities change… The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So … I tied her up and went fishing.

11

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

Wait till I tell my mum that third one!!

Steve

12

A preacher asked in his sermon ‘And who among us can say he has no enemies?’

‘I can, preacher,’ an elderly gent called from the back of the
church.

‘That’s wonderful! How have you managed it?’

‘I outlived the motherbleepers!’