Feel like staying home from work and practise some new tunes?
Get a free virtual housecall from Dr Lloyd Raptor-Minkowitz, MD and you will know what to say to your employer.
I have come down with “Tumescent Kidney Leeches” and have to stay away from work until we run out of strawberries or Tequila. 
Be aware of that the examination can be a bit on the rough side 
Cheers!
/MarcusR
Of course it’s blocked from my work.
The diagnosis appears to be somewhat random. I selected all the symptoms at the same time. The first diagnosis was “Unbearable Personality Disorder”. The second time, it was “Stage III Hypochondria”.
If I want to stay home and play, I tell my boss I’m having “eye problems” (i.e., I just can’t see going to work today).
(sigh) me too… 
"TERMINAL LUNG CANCER
Smoke ten consecutive cartons of unfiltered mentholated cigarettes. Death will be suffocating and excruciating, yet comfortingly minty.
7-10 day life expectancy. Begin composing poetry of regret."
Well, hey, I guess I’m off work for good. Farewell, folks.
Poem of Regret (a rather unfair requirement for those of us who are not poets!)
How sad that I
did not swallow that fly
last July.
As an elementary school teacher, if I told my boss I had advanced genital herpes, I’m betting he’d let me stay home forever.
Mark
They’re the same thing, Slude. The second diagnosis was just details.
“Marlon Brando’s Disease”!
Well, what would that be?
Majorly befatted jowls and haunches, basically. I didn’t read all of it, but there was something about liposuction. Just loved the name.
This is just too weird because I’m obsessed with Arts&Crafts style- from architecture(my house) to furnishings to the lifestyle ideas that went with this movement from 100 years ago. Heck, I probably should have been born then…or maybe I’m like Tom Cruise and am harking back to recessive memories of another life 
Anyway, I’m hearing The Twilight Zone theme now because of my diagnosis:
Chronic Arts & Crafts Dementia
Wow, this dr. is
really good!
Of course my husband has been saying this for years. 
I chose both “weight loss” and “weight gain” and here’s what I got:
ACUTE INTESTINAL LIQUEFACTION
Auto-evacuation of the bowel and colon may be slowed substantially via strategic insertion of tapered champagne cork from millennial Dom Perignon triple magnum.
Will die any minute now. Thank you for your patronage.
Here’s what I got when I choose “anxiety” and “ingrown toenail”:
Blood Sucking Nipple Chiggers
Myriad holistic remedies, including “purple nurple” and “titty twister” have proven surprisingly efficacious in the removal of this resilient and damaging parasite. Healthcare providers administering any such treatments are advised to double glove, as this variety of chigger is prone to resentment-fueled defecation.
Treated within 5-7 days of infection, recovery rates are high. If not, sufferer may experience irreversible nipple desiccation and ensuing death within 4-6 weeks.
That’s a funny site.
GARGANTUAL RETINAL POX
Chronic Guatemalan Pelvis Melt
Patient is advised to rent the 2002 Chevrolet Impala from Hertz, then proceed directly to Gary, Indiana - where CGPM was first diagnosed in the kitchen workers of a particularly unsanitary Chi-Chi’s. Patient must exchange bodily fluids with no fewer than three of the aforementioned kitchen workers.
I think I will just take two aspirins and call myself in the morning.