My agent has started blurting on and on about how every me is the same me.. like that the little guy in us all that we think of as “me” well that’s the same me in evry human, animal, insect and rock..
And I’m just watching him now gobble down a plateful of cow meat, acidopholis and herbs .. and I just saw him get a gobfull of peanuts and letuce leafs .. and he was saying “Thanks me” ..
So what am I to make of that?
I don’t eat anymore .. I supose I never actually did - I’m a stick. In the past when I was attached to a tree .. well the tree ate sunlight and dirt (how undignified!!) .. and then I dropped off and .. well I got an ego attached to me! Go figure. And that ego is a total heddonist .. well .. I supose it makes semantic sense because I’m a head on a stick .. heddonistick .. a .. well - you get teh picture .. and I truly enjoy being a heddonist stick. I can say (with absolute authority) that each typographical error is a mutation in symbol-space - hey - I live here!! And leme tell ya - it’s all mutating and adapting all tyhe time!! Spell-chquers come and brows on us all the time and eliminate the losers. I can see that the spell-chequere mutation seems to be flourishing! Mayeb they will becoem some kinda brain thing with lots of tentacles for qwertyuiop key boards. As for me .. well qwertyuiop is a pain in the stump - because to do caps I hafta hop onto the caps-lock once each sentence, and then once again to un-cap .. which kinda explains my long sentences.
So yah - I don’t eat .. I’m kinda dead and decaying .. and the ego that got glued on me also seems to be going back to the dirt I’m made of. My agent never suspected at teh time, but he seems to get some kinda secret glee from all that now!! THE B (lichen).
But hoy! I was created - so therefore I’m a creat-ure just like you!
So when you’re chowing down on that big-mac all crmmed full of cows and wheat and sugar and cheeze and a bit of gherkin marinated in sour grape-juice .. just remember - you’re eating me. Be thankful .. but make sure you don’t get any behavioural side-affects - the spell chequeres are everywhere .. like weeds!
(obligatory edit: mmmmmm weeeds! .. I supose Homer SImpson is a create-ure also .. I eat his Homerlies all the time! Tasty!!! .. erm .. thanks Homer)
unfortunatley Denny, this news is not odd .. it’s been going on for millenia (it’s all sooo “pedestrian” . not at all fashionable!) .. or so I am told .. and worse still ..there was a big windstorm here a few days back and I went to the tree I fell off to check it out .. you know .. for old time’s sake and it was laying across the house I used to live in .. it was horrible! And then I looked where all my old roots were - and they were all snapped off!! And sure enough - they go right down into dirt. My old mother tree was definitely a dirt-eater. So much for “roots” ..
And even worse than that - I googled the fine-print on the eating thing .. apparently, the “ME” thing only applies to things created of teh Earth .. and things created in the minds of humans are subject to the death of humans .. so when you are eating the big mac .. it’s not me you are eating .. because I don’t have the eternal “me” thing .. because I am not real .. .. well . the stick part of me is real, but the ego bit was always an illusion .. I’m soooo depressed about all that .. but .. on the bright side, whilever my creator lives I can paaaaartayy!!! And I suppose that if these words last longer than my creator I’ll have some kind of life .. But the ego bit will not be there to enjoy it.
I guess I better hand in my saffron robes .. now where do you do that kinda thing?? I was so hoping to get on the cover of “Times” like the dalai llama did .. erm .. is he a beast or a priest?
(Edit: anyone want to buy genuine saffron robe? .. will suit a 16.5 inch stick .. previous owner going out of business - will look at any offer .. .. I’m gonna pig-out on old Simpsons episodes for a few days .. I feel the need for a few homer-lies .. and I gotta be in form for my next gig .. yah .. I know that my F-18 is better than Charlie Xheen’s one .. but it don’t run on air .. and I need some spare change for another pack of goons …
And Denny - the stick thing in the emoticon did not escape my attention - I might write to the emoticon people about discriminatory pracatices! .. maybe it will fall under “intellectual property” … either way, I’m pretty sure my lawyers will be able to get together a darned good class action about all that! They certainly took their fee pretty quick when I mentioned the thickness of my bark! Remember - you are all sticks here - and rules apply!)
Sorry denny - sorry dwest .. My lawyers just looked at me like I was funding their next yacht ..
But I DO like that dali lama .. he looks kinda artistic. . Hey - there’s an idea - you could roll him in paint and drag him round Cristo’s wrapped things .. y’know .. cheer them up a bit on a grand scale! .. Might go through a few lamas .. but I’m sure they come in 12-packs …
Here’s a short poem on my exit from “enlightenment”:
The Buddha can sit anywhere
the rest of us have to walk
You can always steal a witch’s hat
but she’s sure to come and get it back.
Hey ho - I’m off to planet Typo for a littel entertainment. .. getting names wrong .. does that count as a typo? I’ll ask the Typoleans.
What!!?? a GENUINE Saffron-died robe hand-knitted by Jenny Keys!!! Are you mad man!!! Mind you .. If I use it as a handkerchief .. no one would know the difference .. Thanx fer the tip dude!! (I really am upset about not being able to do the sartori thing .. I already signed the book rights .. there goes my jakusi .. and the pool thing that runs into my cabana and diving board .. and the trampoline mezzanine .. and the blue underlight pimping on the limo .. Aaargh .. the goons will never forgive me for this I’LL HAFTA BUY ANOTHER 12-pack!!.. I know it’s not talk like a pirate day - but .. AAARgh!) <where’s me hanky?> Damn I could use a decent typo right now .. thank that my F18 can get to that planet in a blink! The universe is good after all!!
(edit: hmmm The value-add just doubled the price <sniffle .. SNOOOOORRRK> that should add a few grand at teh auction!! I gotta say - those Typoleans know how to live! .. such fnu here .. and they recon that the wrong name thing is beter researched on planet Fkn Eeejit .. oddly, that is where my dad came from . the roots might be snapped off, but .. this allows me to choose my own history! I’ve seen it done a million times but never actually got the knack till just now!)
Hey, it’s just stuff, so what is madness to one is just merrily indulging in conspicuous consumption, for the other.
I mean, just think of it: you could be saying, “Seriously? Rags? I don’t use just any old ‘rags’. My windows deserve only the very best, and for that I always rely on Armani [or whatever you like].”
