Disgusting, horrifying, mortifying joke...

Whistle
1

This is absolutely horrible, but I feel that I must report this tasteless joke I heard today, as part of an effort to stamp out such profane skullduggery…

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

“Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”

“Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”

“Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!”

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes!!”


I just had to get this off my chest, Dale.

Philo

2

You’re right. That is indeed a horribly tasteless joke.

3

Hey, I like that!

4

Hehe, good one. :slight_smile:

5

I really appreciate your efforts. Even if you know it’s a lost cause, at least you try and fight your best.

In France, we have a TV ad you’d be willing to fight just as readily.

It’s for the phone directory, where Mr Yellow Pages delivers immediately what you’re looking for, however complicated.

So there’s this pulpous young brunette calling Mr Yellow Pages for a summer resort, for herself and her husband. She’s a sort of sort of a Gina Lollobrigida reincarnation, with a delicious Italian accent purred in a quite provocative alto…

The man appears to be in his late seventies, stuck on his armchair with a plaid over his lap, and a rather unhealthy general appearance…

She calls "We want luxury hotel. Very luxurree. Close to the beach, very close, and waaarm water. Verrry warrrm.
— Here’s a choice, Ma’am. Any specific choice?
— Yes, make it close to Casino, verrrry close.
— Here’s a selection, Ma’am. Anything else?

There, she looks at her husband, whose case of cough sounds terminal…

— Yes, make it close to hospital. Verrry clooose…"

6

Thank you, PhilO, for bringing that horrible joke to our attention. Together, we will stamp out the plague of tasteless jokes.

Just yesterday, I heard this awful one. Anyone who would find this funny has to be sick.

A old man’s wife is dying at home after a long illness. He calls the doctor and tells him to come right over because he knows his wife won’t last much longer. The doctor comes, does the exam, and tell him that it does look like the end is near and she probably won’t last the night. He tells him to make her as comfortable as he can during the last night.

The man is moved to tears and when the doctor leaves he asks his wife if there is anything he can do to make her more comfortable and the wife says, yes, if it is possible, and I know it will be difficult, perhaps we can make love one last time. Somehow they manage.

The man wakes the next morning to the smell of coffee and breakfast and his wife singing. He opens his eyes and she is the picture of health. Standing in the kitchen cooking breakfast and singing. The husband quietly calls the doctor and asks him to come over to see this. The doc comes, does another exam, and pronounces her cured. Embarrassed, the man explains about the night before. The doc says, well, the only thing I can think of is that the lovemaking cured her.

The man bursts into tears. What’s wrong?, asks the doctor. If I had only known about that, says the man, I could have saved MAMA!



Now that’s an example of a joke that should not be protected by the first amendment. Join us in stamping out tasteless jokes!

Dale

7

Racist jokes are bad, too. Here’s an example,

This racist was thrilled to get a jigsaw puzzle for his birthday. He set all of the pieces out on a card table and every day when he got home he’d set out to work on it. Finally, one day he jumped up from the table and ran to the phone. “Mike!” he cried, “Remember the puzzle you gave me? I finished it!”

“That’s great,” responded his friend after a little hesitation. “But you mean to say it took you three months to put it together?”

“Not bad, eh?” the racist said proudly. “It says, ‘Two to five years,’ on the box!”

8

How odd, when I heard it before it ended,
I could have saved Rover!

9

Yeah, that must have been the pollitically correct version. Animal rights and all that.

10

Phil, is that you?

I met you at Bill Ochs’ apartment last Thursday, didn’t I? My sister was entertained by your stories while you waited before your lesson. :slight_smile:

What a great trip that was. I’ll let you know if I ever get back to the Big Apple again!

Cara

11

A terrible problem! Maybe it’s endemic to the instrument world? I just heard this yesterday from a luthier friend of mine (with whom I will no longer have any association!).

A boss at work needs to let a worker go…bad economy and all. It comes down to the most recently hired workers, Jack and Jill. Now, both of them were very good workers, good perf. reviews, nice folks, etc.

What the heck is the manager supposed to do? He thinks about it and decides that whoever of them goes to the water cooler first, gets the ax.

Unfortunately for Jill, she went out and partied it up with some friends the night before (girls’ night out, you know) and she had a bit of a hangover and parched mouth that morning. So the boss sees her heading over to the cooler to ease her pain and walks up to her.

“I’m sorry, Jill, but I’ve either got to lay you or Jack off.”

“Could you just jack off? I’ve got a headache.”

:tomato: :roll: :tomato:

12

“Hi, please come in! What about a drink? I just received the smoothest rum!
— At this time of the day? I’ll just take two fingers.
— Ok, but don’t you want a drink before?”

13

Hey Cara, yes it’s me. It was I who was entertained by your sister actually. Thanks so much for the mini concert; you really wail!

Regards,

Philo

14

Little Billy is a straight A student in all subjects except for math in which he always gets an F. No matter what his parents try… personal tutors, talking with him, his teachers, etc. nothing seems to work. One day, some friends of theirs down the street suggested a private school. Billy’s parents thought this might be a good idea and their friend said "oh yeah!! smaller classes, better teachers, and I bet I could get your son into the catholic school that my son goes to. "

So after much thought and another report card, Billy’s parents agree.

The first day of school comes and Billy’s father drops him off in his new school uniform and tells him not to worry and he’ll se him after school. When school let’s out and his father picks him up. Billy is silent all the way home. When they get home, he goes straight to his room and doesn’t come out till dinner, then goes straight back to his room and doesn’t come out until time for bed.

Well, this is very odd for a usually outgoing and happy golucky boy, and after several weeks of this behavior, even on most weekends, Billy’s parents are getting worried rather than impressed and stop him on his way to his room which happens to be report card day. Upon opening Billy’s grade card they find straight A’s!! including MATH!!!

Obviously blown away, they ask him what made such a drastic diference? But Billy remained silent and gave them a solemn look. They asked him “Billy, was it your teachers? Do you like them better?” “No” “Was it the smaller classes? were you able to understand easier?” “No” “Well then.. what was it!!!” “Well… (as he shuffled his feet, lower lip trembling a little) the first day of school, when I walked in and saw that one kid in the hallway nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!!!”

An interesting and clean joke I thought via my cousin the other day! :stuck_out_tongue:

15

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: A real knee slapper, McHaffie!

16

The following joke is totally offensive,and I apologise profusely.

A young woman was walking through the park,when a ‘Flasher’ leapt out of the bushes and exposed himself to her.
“OH - It’s GRUESOME!” :astonished: She exclaimed.
To which he replied; “LOOK again- It’s grew some more!”

17

horrible

18

Okay, I only know two Catholic jokes, but my Catholic friends laughed at both, so I hope this isn’t any more offensive than saving Mom…

Two priests who were good friends finally got to take a vacation. They decided to go to the beaches of California. Well, not wanting to be recognized as priests, they left the clerical collars at home and bought bermuda shorts and loud shirts.

First day on the beach, they are enjoying the sun, the relaxation, and so on. Then a shapely blonde, wearing only the bottom half of a bikini walks by. They may be celibate, but a man notices this sort of scenery. She then addresses them both, saying “Good afternoon, Father. Good afternoon Father” to each in his turn.

They are startled to have been found out. So, they buy even more outlandish outfits for the next, just as un-priestly as they can find.

They are on the beach again when the same blonde, in the same outfit, walks past again, saying “good afternoon, Father” to each. One of them can’t stand it and says “pardon me, miss. We ARE priests, and we are not ashamed of the fact, but how did you know?”

To which she replied “Father! Don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”

Um, maybe this one should be stamped out, too. I’ll save the other one for a different venue.

-Patrick

19

Hmm. I didn’t know nuns were in the habit of going topless. :laughing:

20

Now that’s my kind of humor. Goog going!!


All the Best, Tom