Okaaaaaaaaay…That’s just freakish! Funny in a bizarre sort of way, but I’m on the fence as to whether or not to forward it to my cube-mates or not… hehehehe I might do it just to blow their minds … 
And Tyghress, picture this: My two year old son walks into my room last Tuesday night while I’m changing clothes. I’ve just gotten my shirt off. His eyes widen… 
He points… and says, “Big … big … BIG TUMMY!”
True story. … I’m on a diet now. 
Little John
spews espresso
Two men are hunting when one of them clutches his chest and falls to the ground.
His frantic friend calls 911
“911 what’s your emergency” says the operator
“My friend’s had a heart attack or something” gasps the hunter “I think he’s dead!”
“OK sir” says the operator “Stay calm. The first thing I want you to do is to make sure he’s really dead.”
“Alright” says the hunter “Just a minute I’m gonna put down the phone”
The operator hears a single rifle shot then the hunter comes back to the phone
“OK” he says “now what?”
Doc
Dang it Doc! Don’t make me laugh like that while I’m at work! You’re gonna get me in trouble!
Steven
Speaking of hunting…three statisticians go deer hunting. A deer jumps up and the first one shoots but the bullet goes five feet to the left. The second one shoots but the bullet goes five feet to the right. The third one begins yelling “We hit him, we hit him!”
Just one more then I’ll leave you alone.
A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter greets him at the pearly gates and says “You know it’s about lunch time why don’t we go to the heavenly cafeteria and eat and then I’ll show you around”
When they get to the cafeteria there is a terribly long waiting line.
The man says “Boy I’m glad I’m with you Saint Peter. I bet we get to go right to the front of the line.”
“Oh no” says St. Peter “here in heaven we all wait our turn.”
Just then a short old man with a long white beard and dressed in green surgical scrubs comes pushing up through the line.
“Out of my way!” he hollers as he pushes and shoves his way to the front of the line “Out of my way! I’m more important than any of you! Move!”
The man is a little shocked at the scene and says to St. Peter “My goodness St. Peter I thought you said that in heaven everyone waits their turn”
St. Peter rolls his eyes and says “Oh don’t mind him. That’s God. He thinks he’s a surgeon!”
Doc
More?
Only in America :roll:
Only in America…can a pizza get to>
your house faster than an ambulanceOnly in America…are there
handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.Only in America…do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.Only in America…do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.Only in America…do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.Only in America…do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.Only in America…do we use
answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won’t miss a
call from someone we didn’t want
to talk to in the first place.Only in America…do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.Only in America…do we use the
word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning
‘many’ and
‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.Only in America…do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but
darkens our skin?Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline
“Psychic Wins Lottery”?Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do
“practice”?Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you
have to click on “Start”?Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved
tasting, who tests it?Why didn’t Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?Why do they sterilize the needle for
lethal injections?You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don’t
they make the whole plane out of that
stuff?!Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when
they are all stuck together?If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
Variations of this joke are very common in state border towns here in the U.S. (like Fort Smith, AR) - sorry, my Okie friends! 
Redneck Dog
If a dog barks in a forest, and no one hears him, is he still a bad dog?
oooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm!!!
Just got this in my email today…
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said was “DON’T!”
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve…we have forbidden fruit!!!”
“No Way!”
“Yes way!”
“Do NOT eat the fruit!” said God.
“Why”
“Because I am your Father and I said so!” God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?” said the Father.
“I don’t know,” said Eve..
“She started it!” Adam said
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
“DID NOT!”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has
never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble
raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for
you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut
up.
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.
Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn’t have said.
The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing
home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
“TAKE TWO ASPIRIN” AND “KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN”
Thanks one and all for the messages! I’m still funky, but there is a smile on my face. The last one will be printed out for my mother to read tomorrow before the graduation of her one and only granddaughter – my niece. She and my sister should get a major kick out of THAT!
Did you hear about the guy who had his whole left side cut off?
He is all right now…
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It’s alright. I’ll just sit here alone in the dark.
My mother sent me this one that she read in a British magazine,
THE UNITED NATIONS DID A SURVEY THAT WAS TOTALLY UNSUCCESSFUL. THEY ONLY ASKED ONE QUESTION. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ABOUT THE FOOD SHORTAGE IN THE REST OF THE WORLD? AFRICA DIDN’T KNOW WHAT FOOD WAS. WESTERN EUROPE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT SHORTAGE WAS. EASTERN EUROPE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT OPINION WAS, AND THE UNITED STATES DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THE REST OF THE WORLD WAS!
Here’s another she read there:
IF A TINWHISTLE IS MADE OF TIN, WHAT IS A FOGHORN MADE OF?
Also, you can read Waldentoons at http://www25.brinkster.com/waldentoons/
They can be amusing, if you’re tired and giggly enough.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the opossum it could be done!
A man goes up to a doctor and says, “doc, I have a strawberry stuck in my rectum.” The doctor says, “don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: the bulb contains within itself the seeds of its own revolution.
How many surrealistis does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
How many New Jersey residents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: one to change the bulb, one to witness it, and a third to shoot the witness.
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? It takes four: one to hold the light bulb.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender says, “why do you have a steering wheel on the front of your pants?” The pirate replies, “ARRRR, it’s driving me nuts.”
–Caj
when god created man, she was only kidding!!
a body builder parades on the sidewalks in his bare arms while it’s freezing. finally he gets a bit of sence and walks in to a pub. and there she is, the woman of his dreams, he waists no time and buys her a drink.
“are you a real body builder?” she asks
“well i’ve been doing nothing else in my whole life then pumping iron, so i suppose i am” says he
“and what might you be?” says he
“i think of women all the time, when i rise in the morning, when i shower, when i eat, work… so i’m a lesbian!!” says she and she walks away
a couple take a seat beside the bodybuilder and ask again “are you a real body builder?” “i always thought i was” says he," but now i think i’m a lesbian!"
There were these two friends, one who was gay, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them.
St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her.
The man replied, “I was unfaithful to my wife one time.”
St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven.
Now it was the second man’s turn.
St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her.
The man replied, “Actually I’m gay, but here’s a picture of my lover, and I never cheated on him.”
St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven.
After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, “I wouldn’t be bragging if I were you. I just saw your lover on a skateboard.”
Black AND redneck? Tough karma!
If he’s a physically impaired Jewish smoking Mormon homosexual, post his address so I can send some sunflower seeds…