So…someone…jokes, please.
p.s. - no reason for the funk but its really wearing on me…I just need something cheery.
Here are some re-runs
http://chiffboard.mati.ca/viewtopic.php?t=6539&highlight=math
Mike
Hi, Tyghress.
Sorry you’re sad.
How about a round of Fling the Cow to cheer you up? (Always works for me.)
Speaking of cows:
One cow asks the other cow: “Do you worry at all about this mad cow disease business?”
The other cow answers: “Me? Naw, I don’t care: I’m a helicopter!”
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh
day.
He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to
call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a small land
mass and said “What’s that one?”
“Ah,” said God. “That’s Britain, the most glorious place on Earth.There
are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills. The people from Britain
are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be
found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!”
God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the w*nkers I’m putting next to them in France.”
Here you go Tyg, Sorry, couldn’t resist!!! 
Hope this doesn’t make it worse! Feel better soon!
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says
“A beer please, and one for the road.”Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was great.Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other “Does this taste funny to you?”“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home’.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual.”Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull!”Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other says “Are you sure?”
The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”Answer-phone message:
“…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says “My dog’s cross-eyed,
Is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well” says the vet “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc.
Finally he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Just because he’s cross-eyed???”
“No, because he’s really, really heavy.”Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum, or my dad…or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chi-Choi.
But I’m pretty sure it’s Colin.I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he
couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said “No, the steaks are too high.”My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.I went to a seafood disco rave last week… and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank.
This proves once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat
it too.Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other “I’ll man the cannon, you drive.”What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.
Cheers,
Kathy
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says “Why the long face?”
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
… and for a moment I thought I was reading Turner’s post.
Oh-là-là, c’est la guerre? You sillee knnnnigggett with your sillee Qkkkween and boiled crazy cow meat, this settles it. I cancel my order of a Rose, and will melt publicly a Dixon during Mesquer’s Ceilid 4, 5, 6th July–be there folks!.
Also, I don’t want a Tryoomph motorbike now. I’ll take the Cowasakee instead. And if I won’t remove the Union jack “ornating” my bicycle seat, it’s only because I sit on it and fart in its general direction!
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a vet. As she lay her pet on
the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened the bird’s
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Polly has passed away”.
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something?”
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning
a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird’s
owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put
his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from
top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his
head. The vet patted the dog and took it out but returned a few
moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up and also sniffed
delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed
and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry; but like I said,
your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably … dead.”
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot’s owner, still in
shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my
bird is dead?!”
The vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it the bill would only
have been $20 for the office visit, but…what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan…”
All the Best, Tom
The Viking Kittens Immigrant Song has dissapeared from it’s original site and been replaced with a song about a gay bar. However, I found it here:
http://members.tripod.com/zirstemple/viking_kittens.swf
Steve
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Because he heard the referee was blowing fowls.
A couple of physicist jokes:
A young woman is out walking, and a frog jumps out in front of her and says, “Kiss me and I’ll turn into a physicist.” She’s really excited, picks it up and puts it into her handbag.
She gets back to her apartment and sets the frog up in a nice box on the kitchen table. Her roommate comes in that evening, and the woman says, “Look at this!”
Right on cue, the frog says, “Kiss me and I’ll turn into a physicist.”
The roommate says, “Well, are you going to kiss him or what?”
The woman replies, “Are you kidding, do you know how much more a talking frog is worth than a physicist?”
A lawyer, a doctor, and a physicist are discussing the merits of having a wife vs. having a mistress.
The lawyer prefers having a mistress; it avoids all the legal hassles that having a wife incurs.
The doctor prefers having a wife, who will stick by him and always be there after a tiring day.
The physicist says, “I’d prefer having both a wife and a mistress. That way, I can tell the mistress I’m with my wife and tell the wife that I’m with the mistress, then I can sneak off to the lab and work all night.”
I know, I know 
but it was the only vaguely clean joke I could recall at short notice, and this was an emergency! Couldn’t have Tyghress feeling blue! I’m still sniggering at Kathy’s butcher joke!
What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of Elephants wearing sunglasses coming through the jungle?
“Who are they?”
If I’ve stolen this from a member of the Board here, I’m sorry, but I think it’s really funny- yes, I have a weird sense of humor.
I’m sure you’ve heard about the Russian and Czechoslovakian scientists who had dedicated their lives to the study of the great bears. Of course all the great bears have long since been hunted to extinction in Europe and pushed to the far frontiers in Russia. So the two scientists begged and pleaded to be able to come to the US to study grizzly bears. It was pretty much impossible until all the changes had occurred in Russia but at long last their Visas were approved and they ended up at the Ranger Station in Yellowstone National Park. The rangers were very patient and gave their standard spiel about grizzlies but that wouldn’t do for the Russian and Czechoslovakian scientists. They insisted that they had studied the great bears and now wanted to see them in their natural habitat.
The rangers were very patient but the scientists insisted and finally they agreed to take them out to the wilds so they could observe the grizzlies. The help them set up camp and gave them a radio and insisted that they call in every day.
All went well for five days but on the fifth day, the scientists did not call in. The rangers gathered up their equipment and traveled to the camp only to find it completely destroyed and blood on the ground. They were concerned for the safety of the scientists and also feared an international incident so set out to find out what happened to the Russian and Czech scientists.
These were experienced rangers and while tracking the grizzlies figured out that there were actually two bears, a big female sow and even bigger male boar. They finally caught up to the bears and managed to shoot one and the other ran away. They approached the bear only to find that it was the female grizzly. They cut it open and decided that she had eaten the Russian scientist.
One Ranger looked at the other and said: “You know what this means, don’t you?”
The other ranger shook his head and said: “Yeah, it means the Czechs in the male.”
All the Best, Tom
A radiologist and internist a surgeon and a pathologist go duck hunting.
As the first group of ducks flies over the internist stands up aims his gun then lowers it, aims and lowers, aims and lowers. Soon the ducks are out of range without a shot being fired.
The other doctors ask “why didn’t you shoot?” The internist replies “well I could see they were ducks but I wanted to rule out all the other possibilities”
The Next group of ducks comes and the radiologist stands up aims his gun then lowers it, aims and lowers, aims and lowers. Soon the ducks are out of range without a shot being fired.
The other doctors ask “why didn’t you shoot?” The radiologist replies “well I could see they were ducks but I wanted to get a few more views”
A third group of ducks flies over. The surgeon jumps up kicks down the blind and fires his shotgun from the hip BAM BAM BAM BAM!
Birds fall from the sky. The surgeon picks up the dead birds tosses them to pathologist and says “here, see if they’re ducks”
Cheers Tyghress
Doc