An update on my mom

Poststructural Pub
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My thanks to everyone for the kind thoughts, wishes, and prayers for my mom. She is past 80 and is quite fragile and frail, and has been fighting both heart and kidney failure for years. She has been living alone since my father died several years ago.

Yesterday I had an update on her status from my brother.

She is now in the hospital. She was having extreme back and hip pain. They have found that she has a crushed vertebra in her spine; she was actuallly walking around like this and when she would walk it would grind against the bones above and below it. She’s had this break for almost two weeks. Just the thought of that brings tears to my eyes.

They are controlling her pain and she is comfortable for the first time since whatever happened that caused the break–she doesn’t know when it broke or what broke it.

She is still having extreme pain in her hip and screams if they manipulate it. They are gong to do more tests today to try to isolate the cause of the hip pain.

I am so relieved that they’ve got her pain controlled and that she’s more comfortable.

One thing that makes this particularly frustrating to me is that my brothers and sister for the most part can’t look straight at this situation or let themselves realize what it means. They are expecting some kind of medical miracle that will let mom continue her life as it’s been or even that could give her back her strength and health.

I’m not thinking there’s any such miracle to be found. I wish there were.

So I let them keep their fantasies of mom somehow becoming sixty again, and I face alone the knowledge of the difficult and painful decisions to come.

My brother who’s there with her, I think he also sees the situation as it really is. He’s doing a fine job. I am the youngest and traditionally this would have been my place to take care of our parents in their failing years, but fate forced me to move away to find work. He’s said nothing but I am sure that he resents this; he was also raised with the idea that it would be me, not him, and now fate has placed this burden onto his back.

So now we wait.

I appreciate you all letting me share this pain with you, and I thank you kindly for your kind thoughts for my mom.

–James

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James, I’m very sorry to hear this.

Would it be possible/appropriate to operate on her back? That wouldn’t fix the hip pain, but sciatica is about the worst pain I’ve experienced. It’s possible that arthritis is involved in both cases; at her age and in her condition it wouldn’t necessarily require something dramatic for her back to go.

I’m already on the verge of violating board guidelines on discussing medical matters so I won’t speculate further. If you’d like to discuss it, send me a PM. But it does sound like you, your brother and mother face some difficult decisions.

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the only advice I can give you is to go with what SHE wishes, even if it’s not what YOU want. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was to tell my dad it was alright for him to die. I didn’t want to let go, but he was ready to.
It’s never easy on us left behind, but we have to realize that it IS their life to live or not live as they see fit. And it’s so much harder when they are still in their “right” mind.

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James, I don’t have any advice to offer, but please know that both you and your mom will be in my thoughts. I pray that they can find the source of the hip pain soon.

Heather

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James,

I’ve had very similar circumstances in my family. I think many do eventually. I don’t say this to trivialize your circumstance - I say it so you know that I, and many here, understand.

Make good decisions. Be the best brother and son you can be from a distance. Hang in there - we’re with you in spirit.

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My thoughts are with you, your mom, and your family, James.

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Her age, heart and kidney issues make her a poor surgical candidate.

James, I am sorry to hear of your sadness. It is something we know we all must face, but are rarely prepared to really do so. Strength, courage and well wishes to you and your mom.

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Again, strength, courage, and peace be with you through this, all of you… and luck and skill as needed.

It is never easy to watch someone you love in pain.

I do believe in miracles, having been accused of getting one myself, but i also believe in viewing the situation from a ‘worst case’ position, and going from there. It’s kind of hard to be disappointed when you are prepared for the worst.

I would hope that the whole family could feel the same responsibility to contribute to her care in some way. I also know that I have a tendancy to hope for too much. :sniffle:

good luck, you and she are in my heart and prayers

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I’m glad for the update. I’d wondered how she was doing.

My mom (83) was told a couple of weeks ago that her aorta is almost blocked up. Surgery was suggested since other than heart problems she’s in remarkably good shape. She has decided against it. While that’s hard to take, it is her decision.

At the very least, your mother is getting some pain relief. At the very best, she could fool everyone and rally from this situation. Don’t beat yourself up about not being there. We all do the best we can under whatever circumstances we have to deal with. As long as she knows where your heart is, it’s ok.