Eat cheese-n-crackers for Thanksgiving!
‘Cause roast turkey’s way too rich;
Give dental care kits for Halloween,
Don’t you know modern life’s a bitch?
We’ve got seatbelts on our couches
And if that’s not enough for you
We got a phone that won’t let you order pizza
Unless it takes your blood pressure too
For our Christmas Sunday dinner
We’ll eat rice, tofu, and peas
And our plates have automatic calorie counters!
It’ll drive you right to your knees
Of course life won’t last forever
We all know that that’s true—
But the way you eat in this modern life
Gonna make it seem like forever to you
Yeah! We know life won’t last forever
And nobody wants to die,
But by your fifty-second serving of tofu
You just might start wonderin’ why.
Yeah! Life just won’t last forever
But to stretch it out one more day
We’re gonna give up every single pleasure,
And eat damn tofu three times a day.
Did you hear about the elderly couple that died in a car accident?
They get up to heaven and St. Peter has a golf cart waiting to escort them around heaven.
The first room they see if filled with people eating. They are eating huge, rare, prime rib steaks. Loads of extra thick cut bacon. Huge slabs of BBQ ribs. The wife asks St. Peter if that is a good thing, seeing as how this meat has all that cholesterol, etc.
St. Peter says “Mam, this is heaven, we don’t worry about those things here”.
The next room they see also has people eating. In this room, they are eating “fair food” - deep fried candy bars, funnel cakes, cotton candy, etc. The woman again asks St. Peter if these aren’t bad for you and St. Peter says “Mam, this is heaven, we don’t worry about those things here.”
The third room they come to again has people eating. This room is filled with every type of dessert imaginable. Huge chocolate cakes. Pie - a-la-mode. Creams and sugars and mazipan.
This time, before the woman can say a word, the husband hauls off and whacks her up side the head.
St. Peter says “My good man! What did you do THAT for!!!”
The husband states “That’s for all those damn bran muffins she served me. If she hadn’t of done that, I’d have been here a long time ago!!!”
Tofu can be quite tasty if properly marinated and fried.
Lentils are an excellent alternative.
A well-seasoned dal, with pappodums or rice, can be a wonderful indulgence.
I cook with Lentils frequently, much to the chagrin of a few of the Izzlets. But if they are cooked right, they really are delicious. Plus, you don’t have to do the “soaking time” thing that you do with other beans. They cook within an hour, which is great on those days that I’m pressed for time. I have a recipe for lentils with rice and caramelized onions…it has loads of cumin in it, and it’s totally yummy!
Seriously, this poem cuts to the heart of the matter. Magazines and other media so sensationalize things that people no longer enjoy and appreciate things as they ought to.
